a fork in the road

when i was a catechumen, all i cared about was to find out where God is in my life. i had to learn how to do His will because i like to do my own but i sometimes get confused as to what exactly should be the next step to take in life's troubling decisions that had to be made. i was terribly sheltered but even as the journey progressed and i caught glimpses of the uglier side of politics in Church, they mattered little to me. my heart was set on God and to do the right thing. if i knew what that was!

my lenten retreat was a good one. i had felt the calling to be a sponsor for a while but it only managed to break free of my fears and grew full-fledged at the retreat when i encountered Jesus in my ponderings. still, there was a part of me that kept me from saying 'yes'. a sponsor on that journey said on one of the nights when we were in the pantry sipping hot milo. i remember thinking, "this retreat is full of abstinence. no sleep, no food..." i was tired and hungry, trying to complete the reflection that we were told to jot down in our journal. this sponsor said that he was sure i would return as a sponsor the next year. i felt like God was deliberately and playfully teasing me, since He already knew what i was pondering. my immediate response was "No!"

on the third day, we returned to Church... by then, i was sure i would say 'yes' so i tried to look for Tony as i wanted to find out more about it. i hardly knew him then. except that he was our co-ordinator and that he was always involved and probably personally cared since he does cry with us from time to time!

i couldn't find a chance to talk to him. i left Church thinking, maybe this isn't meant to be.

across the road, my boyfriend called to say he got the family car and that he was coming to pick me up. so i jaywalked my way across the two busy roads and made my way back to Church. i don't know why i preferred to wait in Church. probably it is a place of comfort and solace. i was physically exhausted but had all these thoughts of discipleship in my head.

on my way in, i ran into Tony on his way out. we stopped to say hello and he apologised for crying at the retreat. (shhh....) i said something to the effect of how he crying made us cry too. and before i knew it, i said, "Tony, i want to be a sponsor next year". my exact words.

if the time had not elapsed for me to walk across Church and head back in, i might not have run into him. i probably would have gone back wondering if i should still pursue being a sponsor. most likely, i would think i shouldn't. from then till the next journey, i had many doubts. i wanted to pull out, especially after realising how difficult a period Lent can be. but i didn't want to go back on my word. even then, i knew, God paved the way for me not to back out.

on my second journey, i grew a hundred times more. i learnt Humility, above everything else. i learnt how i can try so hard to convince the catechumens that baptism is the way to go and they will not change their minds. but when God calls, they respond the very minute. HUMILITY. it isn't what we do. sometimes, it isn't even how much we do. we just do out best and God will take care of the rest.

i saw more ugly sides to ministerial work. but i believed with all my heart and soul in the RCIA. and all i wanted was to serve, to give something back to God in gratitude of the immense love and peace he gave me.

things happened along the course of the journey. very difficult twists and turns. i hurt people and i got hurt in return. i made friends when i didn't expect to and i lost friends that i would have loved to cherish for life. the joys i experienced gave me glimpses of what Heaven must be like. the pits i fell into showed me glimpses of what Hell must be like too. in my young life, heartbreak from broken relationships and forced farewells from deaths are the two most painful experiences i have encountered. but in the lowest of my times on the journey, it surpassed all that in DESPAIR. i think i understand what Hell is, when you are separated from God. it isn't the same as when you haven't found God. at least then, ignorance is bliss. but having been with God and then unable to reach Him gives you a deep despair that it cuts right through your gut every minute, every breath, ever waking moment.

but i survived with more friends eventually. a new found family. deeper bonds... new perspective. a little bruised, a little more fragile... all of which makes me that little bit more humbled.

i started my third journey trying to make up for the mistakes made from the previous. trying to give more to repay the love that has been given to me. wanting to give more for the undeserved forgiveness i received from so many and from God.

these days, i seem to have lost faith in RCIA. did i make too many friends and forget the one i should treasure above all? did i allow human inspirations to overshadow the light from God? do i work to serve God or because it is work i had said i will do? if the journey adopts a different method, will i still be faithful to what the RCIA stands for? if my friends are not on this journey, will i be here? i feel slightly disillusioned. a lot of disappointment with the way people are, including myself. is this a little obstacle in my path or have i steered the wrong course? did i lose sight of why i loved the RCIA? without the RCIA, will we be friends? will we care enough to care?

i seem to have come full circle. back to my catechumenate days when i was afraid to let go.

Lord, help me to do your will. Help me to let go of damaging relationships, painful as they may be. Help me to serve you... remember your presence in my life. Not anyone else's.