my Death Sentence

so i must have had all these thoughts of the Death Penalty in my head because i spent one night living out the moments before my death.

i was sentenced to death and i had spent a day freely with my mum who was naturally grief-stricken. i consoled her and explained the tenets of our faith where Death is concerned. of course that can't take the pain of losing her daughter away but it did soothe her to a point of acceptance and possibly, even belief of my destination in Heaven.

the day is at hand and i make my way in thick chains to the gallows. there is fear but it is so deeply set within that it won't surface. i am taking much care to keep it there. and basking in the calm acceptance and peace that permeate my entire being.

it is dark but i am aglow with an inner light. everyone is either jeering at me or looking with pity. i want neither. i feel like a hero not because i am going to die a matyr but simply because i choose to do the right thing and can then meet God in a while.

suddenly, a door opens and in come my parents.

"What!" the alarm bells ring in my head. "NO!"

my mum comes in and she can barely stand up. someone has to help her in. next comes my dad who is a pale shadow of the man he is. he is ghastly white and just trudging along.

i feel the first stirrings of desperation. this is ridiculous. i don't want my parents to be here! they will not be able to survive watching their child be put to death!

no, i cannot die. i have to get out of these fucking chains. a part of me is fighting to restore the calm i felt just a while ago. i am reaching hard for that holiness but i cannot grasp it. i am sinking fast into the suffocating depths of desperation.

no. i am not fighting anymore. i just want to break free.

i look around me. can i punch the living daylights out of the guard who's holding onto me? i can take his gun and hold him hostage. i can ransom my way out! but where can i go? can i make my parents fugitives? i can't...

so i have to die. but that will break their hearts. i catch a glimpse of how their lives will be like from then on. they will slowly be engulfed by the sorrow of my death and never recover. they will sink into depression and oblivion of what goes on around them. for the next two to three decades, that is how their lives will be.

i am fully frightened now. what can i do? what should i do? like an animal that's caught and sensing imminent death, i am looking for a way out but cannot see any. i don't mind dying but i cannot put my parents through that!!! HELP ME!

*****

i don't know the ending to that story because i awoke. and thank god i did. it wasn't my life that would be snatched away. it was my parents'. how can i do that to them? what choice did i really have?

i felt immense relief that it was a dream but i returned to sleep with a twinge of deep sorrow at that person in my dream who had no choice but to be cornered no matter which way she turns.