gramma and grandpa

3rd night of my grandpa's wake... am sitting at an empty table typing this out.

i had wanted to do some work, that is, finish an article on the Prisons Ministry but unfortunately, no information came in yet from my contacts. i'm getting worried because time is running short, i'm exhausted and the next 2 days will be even more hectic than the last 6 days because it's the last day for the wake tomorrow (and i've been told many, many people will suddenly show up because it's their last chance to bid their farewells to my grandpa) and the funeral's on Friday... gosh, i dread Friday...

i still remember my gramma's funeral just one and a half years ago. was sad man. and the last day was the worst. when they took the coffin away to make its way to the crematorium, we had to follow behind while she was loaded into the hearst. i felt like they were really tearing her away from us, taking her away for good. i'm very accepting of death as a result of old age but i guess i couldn't reconcile with losing a beloved in a very human way.

gramma's family on my mum's side is a big one. we have 2 uncles (the adopted one being the most filial and her flesh and blood, eldest child being a callous bastard), 4 aunties and all their spouses are absolutely wonderful, loving people. i have so many, many cousins on that side and most of us grew up together in Kim Hock Guan, my great-grandfather's bak kwa shop, that he set up, the pioneer in the bak kwa industry in singapore! we grew up together there, when our mothers used to work there, from the time we were babies. we saw one another get caned. we went through our most humiliating times together. :)

my grandpa on my dad's side though, is different. there is only my dad and his elder brother and younger sister. i have one cousin only. so we, this small family, are absolutely short-handed when a crisis arises, as we just learnt. plus the fact that my uncle and his wife don't do late nights, the night shifts that last till the next day are shared between my parents, aunt and me. *FAINTS*

so here i am, at the void deck, in the tentage and i am tired. i have remembered so much of my grandparents. but NOT ENOUGH. i have spent so little time with them, the less the more i grow up.

gramma had a very hard life. she was married to my grandpa (who died one year before i was born) at a very young age and suffered with him. he didn't treat her very well. and though she is the eldest wife, she was mistreated by the concubines. he died early and she had to take care of the shop and eventually get turned out by her eldest son. she was so well-to-do with my grandpa's family but when she died, she had absolutely nothing. she cried when she couldn't give me and my cousin money to buy some snacks. i worried for her when she passed on. she didn't know her parents... my grandpa didn't care for her, her in-laws didn't care... who's she going to turn to 'on the other side'? i know i'm being silly cos God is there but i couldn't reconcile the image in my head... it's like, how is she going to speak to God in hokkien? hahaha...

grandpa on the other hand, led a very simple life. he used to be a bus conductor and the family was so poor that only on occasion can he buy a packet of food, say, char kuay tiao home, late at night after work. the whole family will wake up hungry and eager to share that one packet of food. but he was contented and he was happy. he loved life. that's why he could not understand why his body broke down. because his spirit was intact and he luuuurrrrved to live.

my most vivid memories of my grandparents are mostly of the times when i was a kid.
my gramma bought me a pair of clogs cos i used to love those (and still do!) and my mum refused to buy me any. everyday when i reach Kim Hock Guan, i would run to our box of toys and dig for my clogs. every night, my only other female cousin (then) and i would have to sing a performance for our family before our dads picked us up.
my grandpa took me on many walks at Toa Payoh Garden. he nursed me when i cut my feet with each pair of new slippers i have. he was the one who introduced me to 'mee hoon kuay', one of my favourites dishes now.

i had come home from school one day to see him peeling dough into little thin slices. i asked him what he was doing and he gave a shout and laughed at me for not knowing what it is and he promised i would definitely enjoy it when he cooked it for me later. i did.

he had come to our house the day after we got our little kitty. she was so small then and she was kept in this HUGE box we made into a home for her. my grandpa is deaf so he was standing right there, with her yelping sharply (yes, cats yelp when they're kittens and very loudly) without hearing her cries. we pointed her out to him and he said in hokkien, "what is this? a rat?"

because of his deafness, he used to call our names so loudly each time we met him to go out. we would arrange to meet at an MRT station or a specific place and we would try to be there early so he wouldn't be there first and shout our names so loudly when he sees us. we were not ashamed of him, but at that young age, we were self-conscious and easily embarrassed. how i wish to just hear him shout my name once more...

i opened his wallet once and saw 3 mug-shots of my brother, cousin and me. that broke my heart cos i felt his love for us so strongly

then more than 10 years passed by and my next memories of my grandparents are of their hospital stays. staying over with them is always tiring but those experiences have become just the very least i can do for them.
holding their hands and helping them along when we meet... i love them so dearly. it just wasn't expressed enough.

my Catholic faith has helped me to accept death more readily and easily. it's nothing bad, it's just going home, returning to God. yet, it's still hard. especially when they've been the sweetest grandparents i have... had... i won't say the regret is deep that i didn't spend enough time with them. i tried, with the crazy schedules i had... and a life i chased after. for myself. and i didn't try hard enough for them.

i have one surviving gramma but truth be told, i feel like i have no more grandparents left. i wish... so much... that she had left first and then my grandpa could've spent his remaining time enjoying his freedom. i've lost the only two who ever sincerely, truly loved the people around them enough to help us to love and appreciate them in return.

ah gong... ah ma, rest in peace. i love you both. i will see you again... rest in peace.