Obligations

the search for answers placed me in a state of dissatisfaction and frustration recently. when faced with a problem or a question, i sometimes, feel tired in having to discern God's will and constantly trying to hear His voice and only succeeding in hearing whispers that point me every which way.

I NEED A LOUD, NEON FLASHING ARROW TO SHOW ME THE PATH TO TAKE!

so i either have to be patient and continue searching or i can give up the quest. the problem with being patient is that, i'm not. and yet, giving up is not an option. how can it even be one? i'll just end up more lost than ever. and that outright rejection of God is something i can't do.

thus the lack of strength to take the next step or a general loss of any feeling is what i end up with. and i NEED to FEEL. it's a NEED. i feel dead otherwise.

+++++

yesterday evening, i went down to Risen Christ to interview Father Loiseau for a story on his 80th birthday celebrations.

i was there to conduct an interview so i got into the right disposition, which usually means, not having a clear idea of what to do but just being there for an informal chat with the person i'm meeting and letting the conversation unfold. usually, all i need to do is to nudge the person i'm interviewing with a few questions and they will reveal bits about themselves that i think i am astute enough to pick up for a good enough story. i don't like to push if they don't wish to speak. in that respect, my journalist instincts are definitely not honed sharply enough - i lack that hunger for a story. i just want to talk to them because i have that opportunity to. and i suppose talking to people usually gives you some insight into how another human being works. in the general scheme of the game of Life, these little nuggets of their personal lives have proven to, more than usual, be instrumental clues to how i should lead mine.

i'll take what i can get. stories are not worth offending others for. neither will i be able to justify upsetting somebody just to churn out a nice little article to put my name to. Ambition has never been something i have. it's a gift i lack, if it's a gift at all.
(Disclaimer: in my job, maybe Ambition is a gift... hmmm...)

WELL ANYWAY!!!! i digress.

Father Loiseau was roughly silent in the beginning. he only spoke to tease me about knowing so few French priests or not knowing more about the Church. =)

but as the evening unfolded, he asked two simple personal questions, possibly out of courtesy or just to keep the conversation going. those questions i answered factually, and i revealed nothing about my state of mind or how i might possibly be feeling.

yet, suddenly, he was talking as if he knew the problems i had, or the situations i was in, or that i was an open book and he could read every thing that i was thinking and feeling.

several times, i caught myself thinking, "did i forget that i said something?" because i did not! so how is it he was speaking to ME?

i didn't get the answers i needed... well, maybe because i don't even clearly know what the questions i'm asking are.

but Father Loiseau said a few things that struck me right at the heart of my heart.

"learn more about your faith. you are not obliged to be a charismatic (Hell, NO!!!). you are not obliged to be a Divine Mercy devotee (thank God!). but you are obliged to be a child of God."

now what does that mean? i thought i knew. i thought he was trying to tell me i am obliged to live by my baptismal promises. but... not really.

"God wants you to be happy."

(*SCREAMS!!!*)

so i am obliged to be happy.

it's so simple! why have i been so blind?

the pursuit of answers can drain me so much, to the point that i feel... either empty or filled only with negativity... and all i need to know is that i need to be happy.

it's not like 'sinning'. you know doing A is a sin but sometimes, you just like A so much that you actually consciously choose to give in to doing A. or you are not strong enough to not commit A so you sometimes end up sinning anyway. that's different.

being happy is different. i wasn't even conscious that i was BEING unhappy! i think i have a lot to be happy for. but sometimes, i surround myself with fears, doubts and allow them to ensnare me in feeling insecure and frightful of non-existent pain that may come my way if i'm not careful enough.

how dumb is that?

I am obliged to be happy because I am a child of God and God wants me to be happy.

GOD wants me to be happy.
God wants ME to be happy.
God wants me to be HAPPY.

it's sooooooo simple.

i'm not exactly sure why i felt so uplifted talking to Father Loiseau last night. but he looked at me and he looked right through me. he looked at me and he SAW me. he spoke and his words were meant just for ME. he spoke TO ME.

i know enough Christian language to be able to pinpoint directly, he was an instrument of God just for me last night. God works in mysterious ways. but in one of those occurences that stand to be less and less rare the more i grow, and yet still never fail to amaze me, God appears always in just the right way that i NEED, just the very moment i NEED Him to.

these days, i find myself open and waiting for Him to show Himself. rather than expecting Him to, i know He does in His own time. and His chosen time is always, ALWAYS the very time i NEED. He knows when it is. and the same words said on an occasion picked by Him are just the very words that become soothing balms for a barren state... the nourishment for a weak soul, the relief for an aching heart or the answers to unasked questions.

i guess i am still left with that many questions... not even real ones because i don't know what the questions are exactly so i don't know what it is i'm looking for precisely... BUT they don't matter. cos God has spoken. and he said, "I want YOU to be HAPPY."

i want to be an obedient child of God. i am obliged to live as one.

so... oh well! i guess i have to be happy. ;)