Boys to Men - III

potato had left... and a part of me really died.

for some strange reason, a year later, Blue Cap was to return. and out of the blue too! pun not intended. we had not kept in touch for two years... and suddenly, he contacted me and asked me out. i didn't want to for some time, because i was too busy nursing my broken heart.

but one day, i felt good and thought, why not? so i said ok though i didn't have any real interest in him. but we laughed a lot and the thought that struck me was, i had found a soul friend.

things happened on that first night... i felt incredibly comfortable with him and it seemed only natural when we got together.

but i couldn't get over potato.

i guess there wasn't much i could do because potato was in the states and would remain there for 6 years.

so Blue Cap became my partner and i loved him deeply.

potato returned one year and there was tingling in the air. actually, a lot more than just tingling. but i was with Blue Cap. i did the right thing. big deal.

3 years after, things fell apart between Blue Cap and i. we went our separate ways. hurt like hell but i survived. maybe cos a part of me had died when potato left, nothing could ever hurt me the same way again.

[RECAP - i am much older than when in Boys to Men - I, had fallen in love with potato, didn't work out, loved Blue Cap, didn't work out... and am totally disillusioned for a while because i cannot grasp how honestly loving someone can inflict so much pain on myself... and am confused too but in a good way because i want to make a big effort to take my time to heal.]

about 2 years passed. potato returned. we had become friends by then.

it was a looooooong process. remember... we were strangers ->acquaintances ->friends ->couple ->enemies (yup) ->awkward friends ->friends.

we hung out and guess what???

i am with potato now again. my dark knight. he will hate it that i call him that. =)

am i any wiser? i guess not! because i see a frightening pattern here.

but i am with the only man i have ever known, potato. and i am friends with Blue Cap, who calls me when his heart gets broken, the ass, but he's still my soul friend and i ran into Mr Animal Rights recently.

does it matter? i guess not. will there be a "happily ever after"? i don't know. am i stronger? somewhat... will i survive? no freaking idea. am i afraid? FUCKING TERRIFIED.

but life is amazing. and thank you for reading these, if you are. no idea what possessed me to write these entries. but just did. sat here and wrote, and wrote, and i realized it would be much longer than i thought.

and now, i have a lump in my throat that hurts... a bittersweet heaviness in my heart as only the best and most terrible memories can bring, as how only the most devastating and heartbreaking memories can also be the loveliest and most cherished ones that you will never exchange with anything more or less than what they are.