my new old fwen, Mr C

had drinks at Ice Cold Beer with kodok a couple of weeks ago, me decked out in my MNG black dress and him in... his usual shirt, minus the HS tie that he was commanded to wear.

we had to be present at the Meritus Mandarin Hotel for a 'state' ('state' not state, cos the president wasn't there) dinner (though i prefer to call it the GALA DINNER), the culmination of Cardinal Renato Raffaele's one-week visit to Singapore. he was in town for the celebrations of the 25th Anniversary of Diplomatic Relations between the Holy See and Singapore. whatever.

yeah... so we popped into the more welcoming and more relaxed Ice Cold Beer for some reprieve before the long night ahead. i arrived and usurped his chair because mine was too low. he's right, i think i bully him too much. =)

hurriedly, we exchanged stories and caught up on everything we had missed in each other's lives, things that we would have discussed to death if we had this little box to facilitate our communication. it's known as Yahoo Messenger that some barbaric companies firewall to prevent it from being a communal tool.

i like talking to kodok as a friend. that's why i always ask him to shed his persona as a coordinator and talk to me as a friend. and he has learnt to!

he says i am very matured for my age. he always says that. i don't know what to make of it. because i know i am matured but i don't see how i am more matured than others around me. but the way he says it, it's almost like saying... that in Life with God, this maturity is a strength because i am able to accept things that don't go my way and to respond as an adult would, to take it in my stride and have the tenacity to weather on without throwing the towel in. (*blush*, i complimented myself!)

but this maturity can also be a bad thing because i see things differently from my peers, which can create a loss of identity amongst my peers. i don't know... this is what i think HE thinks because whenever i tell him about some problem i may have, which isn't very often, depending on how often we talk and what kinds of problems he is facing at the moment, he remarks almost to himself, "that's why i always say you're very matured for your age."

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!!?

i don't want to be more matured. i just want to be a normal girl. and sometimes, i think i am not. not that i think i'm above others. i just... don't fit in. and this isn't some growing up issues because i am past that.

but many times, i still feel like i'm outside looking in.

but back to Mr C, i have to say that kodok gives me a lot of reassurance. he sees my strengths and knows how to turn my weaknesses into some things better. he understands what i say much better than boys my age. but of course. he's old. :P

in many ways, he used to be my pillar of support and strength. he used to teach me what faith is. does he still? i don't know... but he's my fwen and i've undertaken the responsibility to see that he remains in line with what he believes in.

i hope he never falters. for selfish reasons, i can't see my mentor fail and i can't bear to see him go offtrack... especially when i think that the only reason why he will go offtrack is because he's opened himself up to the temptations to pull him away from the right path that possibly, his position tends to require of him... and these temptations are not things people are conscious of.

he's my fwen. my 45 year old fwen who babyspeaks with me. and i also like the fact that he's able to tell me when i've done something wrong without making me feel like a worm or able to teach me grace without making me feel like a duck... or how to be less socially inept without embarrassing me or making me feel inadequate.

and he shares some stories with me that he doesn't even tell his wife, as he so innocently announced to the bartender who eyed us that evening. must be thinking, little slut, over-dressed to be in a bar with this old man... he's really not that old, but his white hair makes him appear otherwise.

the bartender was looking down as he was filling up a mug for some other patron... but his eyes flitted upwards to check us out when kodok boomed that statement in his loud voice. i squirmed. and then i thought to myself, hoping the bartender and everyone else in that room saw that exclamation of thought bubble, "He's MY FWEN! and i am proud of it! i don't care what people think."

i never thought i would like older men until i came to church and got to make many good friends who are older men. what does this say?

young men don't go to church! Grrr.