a last date? - Part II

picked him up from his place in the evening and we headed to east coast park.

there, we went to BFD (and no one else i know likes that place as i do, and him maybe?) and we had a good (really good) time talking.

he's getting married too, in January next year. i can't explain how happy i am for him. looking at him sitting across me, i didn't see the Apostle i used to know anymore. in his place, i see the man that i had always seen inside that playful one i know. i see the man who has finally come into being.

and with that, comes a realisation, all over again, that we have grown up. we have.

and with that, comes another realisation, that the Apostle i used to know, is nothing but a memory from now on.

i don't know also, if it's because both of us were sitting there, strangely very much aware of how we have grown up, that we started to talk more openly.

(by the way, as i'm writing this now, he and i are chatting over sms)

he said he never understood why he feels a special closeness to me - not in a relationship kind of way, not entirely platonic either, and definitely not as a brother-sister sort of kinship. he just feels close to me.

many things were said that night. we talked about how we first met... and how both of us were going through a lot of shit in those years.

looking back now, again, i think God has been remarkably kind and gracious. for us 2 souls in need of perking up, spacing out, casual friendship, He has indeed provided.

as the night went on, we got more comfortable with each other, this especially after having not met for more than a year (maybe 2?).

at the end of the night, we headed to the beach ("I need to get my feet wet," he said).

there we sat on the beach, looking at the ships in the distance, and suddenly, he looked sad.
which sort of reflected how i felt too... it felt so, final. like we were 2 friends meeting for the last time.

i don't know why.

maybe because our friendship had always been a sort of casual dating. whenever we meet is when we're not attached. whenever we meet, we hold hands, we date, we kiss, etc... and the amount of respect i have for our situation despite the fact that i don't get physical (AT ALL) with anyone but my partner, is because it's very much with mutual understanding and respect!

anyway, we walked in the sea, we walked along the beach, we laughed really heartily at young boys throwing one another and all falling into the sea, we climbed the breakwater...

and some other stuff that i so wish to record but probably shouldn't...

(i feel like crying now)

when we climbed down the breakwater, we stood at the beach and suddenly, we were hugging each other, in a "there-there" sort of way. like as if we were comforting each other. i told him to be good, and he told me to be a good wife from now on.

it never felt so real with the Apostle before... and it had never felt that sad either.

firstly, i missed terribly the Apostle of yester-years, whom i will never get to meet again.
secondly, it felt like we were parting ways when we had truly become friends.

(at this moment right now, we're planning to meet up again. but will that happen? i don't know.)

i cannot figure out why that night unfolded the way it did and it really ate me up inside wondering why it ended so sadly when things went so fine.

i don't know. i still don't.

a last date? - Part I

when i left here some months ago to my new blog, i didn't think i'd be back here.

but now here i am; maybe this blog is meant to be a very personal diary of sorts then.

met up with the Apostle on 21 May.

that few weeks, the whole getting-married bit was getting into my psyche. it hit me that i won't get to date anymore, nor will there be anymore getting closer back to ex-es thing anymore either. honestly, not that i want to get back with my ex-es. it's just always been that way, like when things fall apart, it seemed to be a matter of time before things got back together.

how do i put it?

not getting back together, or not getting together with anyone is fine. but not having that option is a different matter altogether.

so it started that one night, i dreamt of potato. one of those usual dreams i had over many years - when i had to choose between him and someone else. in some dreams, i would choose to go with potato and though it made the other partner sad, i knew it was the right choice. in some other dreams, i had to leave with the other person and it was so sad to leave potato behind.

those are dreams - remnants of the amount of hurt i went through all those years ago with potato. and while i know even exactly how long it takes to recover from those nightmares - one day - they affect me nonetheless.

i went through one day agonising over this pointless dream. pointless because it's a DREAM, nothing more.

one night, reaching home at about 3am after pump room with ruby-doo and trix, i made 2 calls. one to potato (who didn't answer, haha, and who never returned my call either) and another, an sms to the Apostle whom i then spoke with over the phone and chatted with over sms.

and so we planned to meet up.

strangely, at a time when i didn't think we would ever meet again.

Goodbye?

Dear friends who come to this blog,

Please visit my new blog at www.joycegan.wordpress.com

I haven't decided if I'm leaving this blog behind. It pains me to do so; after all, it's been my companion for almost three years. Empathride turns three in January 2009. But there are reasons why I'm moving this and I hope to see yall at the new blog. :)

Thanks for reading this whole time and for being so supportive, reminding me I haven't posted when I lag...

All the best!
Jois

a very random thought

i realise i have no patience for people who have no ideas of their own.

i mean, yes, we all make observations of the world around us and pick up on vibes all the time. but short of just repeating what we have seen and heard, there is a crucial process between receiving this knowledge and transmitting it, that some people simply miss out on altogether.

we have to THINK and decide for ourselves what we choose to accept or discard.

not just take the information wholesale and pass it off as your own knowledge!

i despise that. and in the last few months, i've seen someone do it and i realise i have no tolerance for that.

we have a brain for a reason. we don't have to be smart and intelligent and possess knowledge about everything out there but at least, use it... THINK! have some originality! surely you can't only be thinking about what others have thought about and told you?

Pink Party - August's birthday & Ed's farewell 2/2

August and i met at AMK Hub after my parish lunch at Holy Spirit. i was armed with a long shopping list of things to buy. August arrived with the list in his head which i quickly added on into my list.

we went to NTUC and for the next 45 minutes, proceeded to fill up our cart with items that were OUTSIDE of our list before taking another 20 minutes to begin working on our list.

gosh.

we bought so much!

here's what i remember: besides the 4kg of prawns and 2kg of squids we bought from the fishery... 4 Red Tilapia fish, 15 potatoes to bake, capsicum, tomatoes, 2 whole pineapples, a pack of carrots, 5-7 big bags of chips, 6litres of juices, 3litres of soft drinks, 10 corn cobs, 20 chicken wings, 20 otaks, mushrooms, sausages, 4 more packs of sliced fish, eggs, and i'm sure there's a lot more though i cannot remember now.

and my mum prepared: 1 pot of beehoon, 1 tub of salad, 1 whole watermelon.

for alcohol: 2 bottles of Absolut vodka, lots of beer and 5 bottles of wine.

it was a nightmare.

but i have to say, the boys started the fire really quickly and got to work cooking everything. which is good for us!

Ruby-doo's family and Trix went to play basketball while Addy (August's sister) and i chatted the whole time. i've changed my views of her. i like her now.

we ate, we drank lots and the girls swam. i actually didn't eat much.

all i remember eating was: one otak, one chicken wing, a pc of fish and one tiny morsel of squid (excellent!) August said i ate the salad, but i don't remember.

then August and i raced. he said he's a dog and so he chases. i said i'm a human and so i run when i'm being chased. we raced to the toilet (i have NO IDEA WHY) and then we raced back.

i'm quite sure i won! and when i almost reached the pit, i saw this damn bench there that i would hit. so in a bid to avoid hitting it, i swerved. August tells me i did hit it and flipped and fell on my back.

my left knee was bruised swollen from where i had hit the bench and it was badly scraped.
my right knee had one whole piece of skin loose and flapping, attached only by one bit.
my right ankle was mildly sprained. funny, i could move around without any problem at all but later that night it hurt so badly i couldn't move. and the next morning too, i was hopping around cos i couldn't put any weight on it.

anyways, look at this picture below. i remember lying there, laughing and half crying, going "Pain! Pain!" and then, "Who's taking photos?!!"

know why i was going "Pain! Pain!" without exactly knowing what's hurting? check out where August's hand is - on my right knee. now scroll up to read what i wrote about the injury on my right knee. haha.
the night went really well. i had a lot, a lot of fun though i didn't think i would have. my friends said they did too. it just felt really nice - a very light-hearted fellowship, lots of happy-laughter moments and an easy and enjoyable time throughout.

i'm glad i was convinced to have this BBQ. it was really, absolutely GREAT!

oh. i realise i'm blogging so poorly now.

Ed is August's good friend from JC and his sister's bf for the last 6 years. he left on Mon to Copenhagen to pursue his PhD for a year. *sniff sniff*

we miss him.

Pink Party - August's birthday & Ed's farewell 1/2

it's been a while since i last wrote and Blue Caps asked me why yesterday. i guess i've been busy writing my book(s). but all's great. anyways those who read this blog are all my closest friends and i already keep in touch with yall!

Sunday 170808 was sort of fun though it started out really stressful.

let me begin from the start.

for some reason, the boys wanted to hold a BBQ though i was lazy and subsequently, them too. in any case, we went ahead with the deal.

one day before, on Saturday 160808, August and i were already with Trix at our Landings (a church ministry to welcome home returning Catholics) BBQ at FTP poolside. i didn't drink much because we had to go to the fishery to buy seafood for the BBQ at 3am.

*faintz*

i kept asking Tom, one of the boys, "Are we buying fish to feed an army that we have to go to the fishery to get them!?"

what happened at 3am? Tom was asleep! so i went back to sleep while August hung around and woke me up at 3.30am. we made our way to the fishery (they were yakking and i fell asleep, sprawled out on the back seat of Tom's car).

lots of smelly fish. BIG fish. quite an experience.
we saw giant prawns. there are hei bis, and shrimps, prawns and tiger prawns. then there are the GIANT PRAWNS and this was what i set my eyes on.

we bought 2kg of them and 2kg of slightly smaller prawns.

got home around 5.45am and i took a quick shower and crashed while August and Tom continued on to the regular market - i dunno why.

honestly it was quite an eye-opener. besides the fact that i was the ONLY GIRL at the fishery, it was quite intriguing to see so much BIG fish (though the varieties are quite limited).

but i don't think i'll want to do it again. the timing is too weird.

Redang - the island of my dreams

Backdating File: Redang
Date: Wed 30 Apr - Sun 4 May
Venue: Laguna Resort, Redang Island
Company: August

It happened to be our 6th month anniversary, down to the date. This still seems like such a young relationship!

Anyway, that's not the point.

After spending much time deliberating over where to go, the beach lovers in us overtook our decision-making faculties (thank God!!!) and we finally selected Redang. And after many difficult attempts made to book the resort had failed, the more we were determined to get our asses there.

It took a 9-hour coach ride, departing at 1030 at night and arriving the next morning, waiting for another hour for the ferry, and a 2-hour (??) ferry ride before we eventually saw the sea water turning from murky brown to dark blue, to an overwhelmingly refreshing aquamarine.

Redang is everything as I have always dreamt beaches should be. And more.

I found paradise.

+++++


Trix says I was doing 3 things at once - napping, smoking and drinking coffee...

This is me after the 9-hour coach ride, waiting at Merang Jetty for the ferry.


There were a lot, a lot of Chinese nationals at the terminal with us. I tried not to be stereotypical but it was difficult, especially when they were shoving their way to get ahead of us into the boat.

So it was that when August and I eventually stepped foot into the ferry, there was no space for us. Truth is, people could've made space and we all could've shared. But no one did and guess what?

We were invited into the cabin! HA. HA. HA. *gloats a many good ha-ha-ha-s*

...

And suddenly, there we were, at Redang.

It was an island of cocktails and powder.

For sand, Redang has soft, white powder.

And for the sea, Redang has a cocktail of Blue Curacao.

August and I had searched for blogs on Redang prior to the trip. One writer wrote, if not for the fish that were swimming next to her and around her, she would've forgotten that she wasn't actually in a swimming pool.

When I dropped my goggles into the sea, all I did was dip my head underwater and there it was! I could see it lying on the sand.

Here below are some photos that will speak more than my words can, of just how clear the waters are.

And then we decided, since we were there, we should at least learn how to dive...

We were actually leaning forward for this shot.

Why, you may ask.

Because we don't want to fall backwards from the weight of the heavy tanks!!! And heavy, yes they were!

And then we found NEMO.

My favourite pic of August examining the Brain Coral.

What struck me most about the beauty of the underwater world was how silent it was... we were intruding quietly into a world that ran according to its own rules, mostly disregarding trespassers like us and for the more curious, quite possibly observing us just as we do them, but for the most part, probably with less intrigue than us.

And while we aren't swimming underwater, we continued splashing around in shallow waters. Then we got adventurous and swam near rocks. Well, the tide was strong and I was gently slammed against a huge rock. I felt a tug on my knee - a slight scratch and I gasped.

I knew what happened the last time I brushed my elbow against a rock in Bintan. It resulted in a scarred scratch. This time round, it was more painful than the elbow brush but I was quite sure it wasn't anything serious.

But it did hurt! So I grabbed my knee and August said, "Oh dear, is it bleeding?"

"No no, I don't think so. Just a mild scratch."I replied holding my knee up above the water. I let my palm leave my knee to inspect the scratch:

Enough of that. We settled down for Cocktails by the cocktail-sea.

What else would I order but my favourite Margarita cum Aruba-Jamaica-oooh-I-wanna-take ya to-Bermuda-Bahamas-come on, pretty Mama-Key Largo-Montego-Baby, why don't we go to the-Kokomo... We'll get there fast-and then-We'll take it slow... That's where-We wanna go..oo..o-Way down in Kokomo...

And non-alcholics might find that enough but obviously, not alkies like us.

Notice the water droplets on the underwater camera...?

Alright, then there's the More-More-Tea Tea Hut, fashioned after the original hut that was made for the Hong Kong movie "Summer's Romance" (Xia Re Mo Mo Cha). Obviously the original built was such a hit but also such a temporal shelter that a new one had to be built.

It's located slightly off-site from the movie. Otherwise, it's an exact replica.

Here it is by day... and by night...

+++++

And so, of all that Redang had to offer on this trip, the romance of sipping wine under the magnificent skies, dancing at beach parties with a million stars overhead, the colourful corals we greet everyday, powder-fine sand to roll in and lovely waters both warm and cool, it's this feeling I can't forget:

And so, I bade one Paradise-Conquered farewell ...

... till the next time.

"The Little Girl Who Loved"

Recently, I met a young mother who wrote a children's book for her daughter, Ashley who passed away in 2005 when she was 7.

San San approached us for a book review. We don't do book reviews.

After some thought, I felt it might be a good story to share about San San's journey through the loss of Ashley and that's how we ended up with "The Little Girl Who Loved".

We met at Cafe Cartel at Serangoon Gardens. She's of the same age as my ruby-doo, really young.

So we started the interview and San San shared candidly with me everything she went through, from the first time she found out about Ashley's Brain Stem Tumour, her family's pilgrimage, the angels she met through her friends and family, how she handled Ashley's suffering over a year before she left.

Along the way, I had to swallow back lumps in my throat and blinked furiously to hold back the tears.

This brave, young mother wasn't going to break down, and neither am I. Who am I to steal that right to grief from her?

San San moved me a lot for her courage to be fearless. I cannot imagine how much this must have hurt her but she dealt with it, from beginning to end, and worked through the pain.

I had asked for Ashley's photo to accompany the story. And I had hesitated because I really didn't want to open up any wounds that might not have completely healed by making her look through old photos. But San San brought them and when I took them from her, I saw a most beautiful, sweet young girl. Gosh, that broke my heart!

I left Cafe Cartel shaking that afternoon, with a headache from tears I could not let fall freely. But through Ashley and San San, I have once again, witnessed the grace of God. Thank You.

+++++

During the interview, San San had mentioned a good friend of hers who signed on with the RCIA after hearing of her story.

Last week at our Landings meeting at my Holy Spirit parish, while preparing for the pilot run, Mr C spoke of the book. San San had given a few hundred to that good friend who had just gotten baptized through the RCIA journey we had just passed. This friend donated the books to Mr C for fundraising if need be.

Apparently, San San's friend was one of our catechumens all along.

Terror @ Pulau Ubin (Breaking it Down)

1. I imagined it all based on an irrational fear. August made up his version of the story and fed my fear.

2. Our minds fed off each other's and created this whole situation.
- I had vocalised my thought that the Clearing would have a lot of insects when we saw the swarm. Is that why he said later those birds looked like insects?
- I was the one who brought up the eeriness at the Clearing first (over dinner). Is that why he also felt that there was something there?

3. We did encounter some thing(s) along the way at Pulau Ubin.
- August's take is these things have their own reality, their own realm that they possibly fully believe in and that's what shapes their realm. We too, have our own reality, the here and now that we exist in. But their influence was stronger there, that's why we got sucked into their reality and we lost ours. That's why we couldn't see the exits even if they were in front of us.

4. Parts of it were generated by his mind... and parts by mine.
- At the Clearing, on our way out, I saw the road we should've taken. I saw it though it looked like a really small road and while riding up towards the dead end, I saw the road the whole time. But for some reason, I felt really confused and was just looking at the road without it registering.
--> Maybe his mind was latched onto not seeing it that I don't know what I was seeing too?

- On one of the paths leaving the Clearing, there was an angmoh boy cycling alone. I thought, why is he alone? August thought I meant he was a manifestation but no, I just didn't want him cycling alone to where we came from - a really bad place. With that thought, the dad suddenly appeared behind him. Did I conjure that? What is real and what isn't???

- A lot of times on the way, I wanted to just say "Let's turn around." Given how scared I was, that made sense but for some reason, I didn't and just followed him. He got lost and I got lost. I just didn't say anything. Why? Was I caught in his dream?

+++++

I don't know anymore. I've forced myself to go through it in my head over and over again and I've forced August to repeat his version of the story and what he actually saw and felt, all this time just looking for a loophole, a clue that would suggest that we had imagined this. But I can't find it.

+++++

On Monday, I think my mind fractured a little. Because of what August said about not being sure if we had left the island at all, I kept expecting at any moment, to snap awake from this reality right here, right now, to find myself back at Pulau Ubin, like I hadn't left at all.

It doesn't help that the images of the Clearing and the paths are at the back of my mind the whole time, like a wallpaper against which every other thought is placed. So they remain there!

I know why I feel like that. Though I have encountered spirits before, I've never been engaged for such an extended period of time. It felt like we were trapped in a nightmare that we just couldn't awake from. Was it real? Was any of that real?

Worst of all, my reality has never changed before. The spirits had remained there, infringing into my world but my world has remained the same. This time round, reality had changed.

Whatever had happened, be it my imagination or our imagination or not, the roads did change! It was concrete, I experienced the toughness of getting up that slope that didn't exist later! The maps that didn't make sense. They were there!!! How could they be unreal???

I don't understand it. And I'm still struggling to let go of this fear. I ask for your prayers, whoever reads this, for both me and August.

Terror @ Pulau Ubin - IV (August's version)

We had dinner at a seafood restaurant by the sea. I was so badly shaken. On the way out, I had been bitten and possibly even swallowed a small insect. All this would've made me fall off the bike normally but I was so crazed that I didn't care about any of it.

I was shaking and close to tears even as we sat down. And finally, I told August how scared I was back in there. He asked me to describe exactly what I felt, and I said, I don't know except I felt like we weren't alone at all.

In my mind, I could see the paths with the trees on either side stretching on forever and ever. Even now, they are still so vivid in my mind. I keep trying to cling to some form of logic, some explanation to make sense of it all. But I can't grasp any of that. So I keep questioning if it was my irrational fear and over-active imagination that placed me in that state.

+++++

About 8pm. We left Pulau Ubin after dinner.
On the ferry to Singapore.

August turned to me and said, "It's ok. You held it in pretty well. If you had lost it, it would've been quite tricky for me."

I apologised for perhaps, having spoilt the fun. He kept wanting to say something but holding back and I thought he was simply comforting me. But he kept repeating it until he eventually said, "I counted at least four places we went to where there was something there."

FUCK.

+++++

According to August, at the very first drink stall we passed, there was already something there that followed us for a while. That was why he slowed down to keep pace with me side by side. He said when he encountered that at the first drink stall, he was already thinking, we are screwed.

"Why didn't we turn back???" I asked to an incredulous look he threw me. We can't, he explained, because it wouldn't make a difference. We just had to keep going liaoz.


The Clearing

His take was that that place wasn't real at all. He asked didn't I notice the whole scene look funny? The sea didn't look right, everything looked hazy? I didn't notice because I was dead set on staring at the ground in front of me though he was peering at the sea the whole time.

He said the dogs didn't look real cos they didn't move AT ALL. Like they were pasted on the scene. I insisted the dogs did.

He said, the birds looked like insects.

YES THEY DID.

He said on the way out, by the time I had asked, "didn't we come up a really steep slope?" he already knew we were fucked but didn't want to say anything.

He apparently didn't even see the road on the right hand side on the way out (the true path), the one I had seen as a really small lane, at all. He only saw the one on the left, heading uphill, where the map was.

Upon entering the Clearing, he felt we were in trouble and he said the 'thing' at the Clearing followed us for a while too. When we were smoking, he started to feel like it was just getting too close and it was time to go.


Trying to find our way out, he said he knew the maps were fucked so there was no use looking at it already. We just weren't seeing the right things anymore.

He said we had passed a few maps along the way and every time he would turn to glance and the spots marked were always at the same place. It was only until we got off to check the maps did they change to show us at a different place from the rest he had glanced at as we passed.

NOW, I did not see any other maps. I insisted on checking the map whenever I saw one. I saw no other maps.

He said if I had lost it, it would've made it harder for us to find the way out. All he felt was we just had to look harder to find the right way.

The cement floor near the cemetery was another place that felt ominous to him.

+++++

At Changi Bus Terminal, while waiting for Bus 2.

We were smoking by the side of the bus stop. A bus pulled in in front of us. A Malay couple sat at the last row. The guy was gesturing to me and pointing at August. I said, "Is that your friend?"

"Who?"

The bus moved off so he couldn't see them.

"I don't know, some Malay guy with his girlfriend."

August gave me a scared look.

"What?!" I asked.

"The only Malay guy I know rides a bike. Why would he take the bus?"

"How would I know?" I asked but as the bus made a U-turn, I was suddenly seized with a thought, what if I don't see the couple at the back row???

But I did.

Later, when I asked him about that look, he said, "I was scared that we haven't actually left the island at all."

This statement of his really broke my mind.

Terror @ Pulau Ubin - III

I wanted to turn right, where we came from, back to the jetty. I had had enough. And as I said, the Clearing was where I had started to lose control and I could feel that slipping from me as I sunk deeper into an anxiety that was fast turning into a sharp, gripping fear.

But August said let's turn left. And though I wanted to protest, I didn't and just followed him. I don't know why.

We went on...

Now, I don't remember the sequence of events that happened next.

His bike broke down for some reason. The noise that came from it was similar to how the bike would sound when the bicycle chain is dislodged from the groove it is supposed to sit in. But the chains were intact. August said something about the teeth.

I started to lose my mind.

We started to get lost. There were left roads and right roads. Both sides we looked showed a path that led off into the distance, with trees on both sides. There was only supposed to be one main path round the island.

I felt like a hunted animal. It wouldn't be accurate to say that I felt like something was chasing us - no - but my focus was all on the road before me and on getting OUT. I could think of nothing else.

We came to a map. I made him look and was rather irritated initially because that seemed obvious. I cannot remember where it showed we were at but August later said it showed we were on the top left hand of the island. There was one time I thought it showed we were on the top right (but that even more doesn't match the actual map of Pulau Ubin).

It was a rather empty map, not one cluttered with lines and words and scale drawings. It only showed the route and a simple, "YOU ARE HERE."

I said, "Where's the jetty???" cos that wasn't labelled which was frustrating. Both of us agreed one spot on the map looked like a jetty but it was useless cos we didn't know for sure if it was where we thought it was.

August suggested to go on this road and of course, I followed. By this time, I wasn't thinking anymore. I was gripped in fear and literally, out of my mind.

Shortly, we arrived at another map. Again, I forced him to check it. This time round, we were at somewhere else incredulous. He said it showed we were at the bottom right hand of the island. I honestly don't remember what it showed.

What I remember though was, the map didn't make sense. How did we travel across the entire island when we had just cycled from one map to another? I was pacing and thought I'm not in the state to register anything anyway.

NOW, on hindsight, as I looked back, I'm not even sure if I had actually looked at the map. But I must have because the only feeling I remember is, "THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE."

We passed a cemetery. Not that it was particularly frightening which ought to be odd cos I was in a very bad state by then. But I didn't want a sight like that to make me crumble further. Then we hit a dead end where there was a cement flooring by the corner that I didn't want to look at. To be fair, I had by then, been keeping my eyes down. I was half afraid August would suggest we check out a shortcut but he didn't. He seemed pretty hurried too.

At one point, I started praying. Now, get this. It wasn't that I thought, "Turn to God." NO. Cos by this time, I was close to shutdown mode. It was a huge effort just keeping it in. Simply because I knew we had cycled for a very long time from the jetty and if I was to break down, we might not make it in time. But I was desperately clinging on to a last thread of sanity that I didn't feel.

So I just started praying. For God to please protect us, both of us, from any harm and all evil. And suddenly, my prayer branched out to, Help us return to Singapore the way we came, with nothing following us. Dear Lord, please get us out of here. Please, please, please...

I think it was the Holy Spirit that prompted me to pray.

And we were cycling SO FAST. SO DAMN FAST.

We got to a third map that looked different from the first two. We had come out on another two lanes, one to the left, one to the right. Both looked exactly the same. I was close to tears. This time round, the map labelled where the jetty was. Again, there were very few words... and it doesn't say where we were.

I was gone. That was it. I was half screaming, "WHERE ARE WE ON THIS DAMN MAP?!!" Pacing once more because I couldn't take it already. If a little pussy cat or a cute rabbit had so much as hopped out onto my path while we were cycling, I would've gone berserk. That was how close it was.

I remember breathing really hard, straining my muscles, and pushing myself on relentlessly cos I was too scared to be even slightly apart from August. I remember choking back tears and gasping all this in, all the while my eyes weren't registering anything around me except the road before me. One long road led to another that led to another... it just went on. I felt I was out of my mind because it just collapsed. There was NO WAY I could even rationalise and try to set things right in perspective. And I knew I should. I knew it, I knew I had to control this but all I could do was spend every last ounce of thought and concentration to not fall apart. If I had so much as allowed one tear to fall from my eyes, or one cry of distress, I would've gotten sucked into the world I was fearing. Then, I truly wouldn't know how to return. I KNEW THAT AS SURELY AS I KNEW I JUST. HAD. TO. KEEP. ON. GOING.

I was out of it. As it is, a butterfly had come near me at the second map and I didn't even feel frightened, short of avoiding its flutter.

August said, "Wait. Wait. Just wait and look." Me, pacing. Him, peering at the map continuously.

Suddenly, he said, "There. Here we are."

I went back and I still couldn't see it. And all at once, there it was. "YOU ARE HERE." in different font and colour from the first two. I swear, it wasn't there before. And I swear, when he pointed it out to me, I couldn't see it only until a while later.

I studied it to make sure we concur on the path to take and dashed off.

We cycled SO. DAMN. FAST.

I checked my watch. It was about 6.20pm. I must've checked my watch along the way cos I seemed to remember doing that but until that time, I had no idea what time it was. I was simply overwhelmed by a feeling that we had cycled for HOURS and had no way to get out. And we just HAVE TO FIND A WAY OUT BEFORE THE SUN SET.

I remember checking my watch that last time also because a rational thought that crept to my head was, we've only cycled for one-and-a-half hours! To my right, I saw the sun halfway in the sky.

If this was the right road, we will make it. If it isn't, we're screwed, I knew.

And I just pushed myself on, August too. Both of us were pretty much silent, and I was just trying not to cry.

And then, we got out.

WE GOT OUT.

Terror @ Pulau Ubin - II

We cycled on the path and came to a rather steep slope shortly after we entered the Clearing. It wasn't just caked mud and soil on the slope, but one covered with cobbles and stones, broken and messed up together.

Augut and I rode up and I overtook him on the way because I knew if I stopped, I would've rolled downhill so I had pedalled faster to keep momentum. I thought he stopped to wheel the bike up but he didn't. So we were close together, both of us panting away when we got to the top of the steep hill.

Nice place... I thought. But... still...

In the distance, I saw a swarm of something flying together.

"There are a lot of insects here, right?" I asked. He said yup! I wanted to use that as an excuse to say I didn't want to be there and to turn around. But for some reason, we carried on.

Strangely, I headed towards the swarm of something flying nearby. Up till this point, I hadn't thought what they were but only when they flew right by me did I see that they were birds - funny looking ones - and I said, "so cute!" This doesn't make any sense on hindsight because with my fear of insects, I wouldn't have gone so near them without knowing they weren't insects.

Anyway, August kept looking at the sea that was on our left. He was standing on his bike as he was cycling and constantly looking at it. I was staring at the ground we were cycling on to make sure I could warn him if there was a pothole or some huge rock in front before he fell and hurt himself. Mostly because, I didn't know what I would do if he injured himself. Left to my devices, I doubt I could help us find a way out.

And all this time, I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable.

We remained on this path that took us round a broad bend, turning right, with the grass on our right. It was like cycling one big round. Then we reached the end where the path stopped so the start and end of the path didn't actually meet. I was ready to turn around and head right back out.

It was here that I started to lose control of my thoughts.

August said he wanted to pee. I said, "Must you pee here?"
"Yeah, why not!"

Then he suggested taking a smoke. "Now?"

I was nervy. But to quell that, I deliberately did what I normally would, which is to take a smoke break. It was a big effort holding this unreasonable anxiety in.

Halfway through the cigarette, he suddenly said, "Ok, let's go!"
"Now?" I asked again. We got on our bikes and moved off, hurriedly, for some reason.

I kept repeating, don't leave me behind.

We passed the same two dogs resting in the grass on our way out. We continued to turn left around the same round.

I kept expecting to reach the downhill slope - the one we had panted on our way up.

It wasn't there.

"Didn't we come up a very steep slope??" I asked August in confusion. He muttered something like a yeah.

Then we reached a fork in the road though it wasn't really a fork. There was a road to the right, something that resembled a small little dirt path that didn't seem to head to anywhere. By this time, I was really confused and determined not to take any small lanes as I wanted to get out of this Clearing.

To our left was a steep cobbly slope uphill, with a map standing to the left of the path. August said, "OK, you wait here, I go check the map."

I threw my bike down and ran after him. He said to take that uphill road and I said, "But we came up a steep slope! We should be going down!" I don't know what he said.

Both of us wheeled our way up the slope because I think we were somewhat tired. Got on the bikes at the top of the slope and went on our way. I remember looking down the grass patch to my right and seeing another lane that led out to a van and some huts. I remember because I thought, if I had to reach that lane fast, would it be wise to cycle downhill through the grasses? And I decided no because the grass was really tall and I couldn't tell if there were places to fall into or trip over.

We hit a dead end. A gate that said "No Entry" and something about "OBS". August actually wanted to ride on. I said, "It says 'no entry'! Can we take the main road?"

"Where's the main road?"

"There!" I pointed at the road underneath. I don't know why we went up that slope to get to the dead end. All I remember was feeling utterly confused at this point and I just couldn't wait to get out of that place.

So we backtracked and the feeling of coming down that steep slope that we wheeled our bikes up made me think that was the slope we had gone up on upon our entrance to the Clearing... except, that didn't make sense cos that road led to a dead end whereas the one we entered by took us round the bend.

We got out.

I felt my mind was starting to come apart.

Terror @ Pulau Ubin - I

Sunday, 13 April 2008

It was 5pm as we got off the ferry at Pulau Ubin. The ride was smooth and short, much shorter than the amount of time we had spent waiting at Changi Ferry Terminal for more visitors to the island - the ferry wouldn't leave unless there were 12 people. August, me and another couple ended up splitting the fare amongst ourselves.

It had seemed like a better idea than waiting another hour for eight people to show up.

August hadn't been so keen on cycling by the time we arrived but I was as I didn't want to make the trip for nothing. So we got our bikes from one of the many shops with big signages that shouted "$2".

We got on our bikes and pedalled our way through the little town, onto the path that would take us to explore the island. Before long, we reached a left turn into some grass patch amidst sand and soil.

That was when the first wave - or perhaps, more accurately, a little ripple - of an unpleasant feeling came over me. I breathed hard and sucked it all in. This wasn't a good time to let my imagination run wild; we had only just started on our 'expedition'!

"There are many people around, and the sky's still bright," I rationalised.

So off August and I went... further into the island... leaving behind the throngs of crowd... finding ourselves meandering on the path surrounded by forests on both sides.

We passed a couple of derelict drink stalls. I cannot imagine when they were ever patronised.

We went into a side lane to see some temples built on a mound beside a lake with many dogs lazing by. August asked if I wanted to stop to visit the temples and I had said I didn't particularly want to.

That uncomfortable feeling of unpleasantness had not been dismissed.

We went on. Came to a yellow and red signboard that pointed out, "German Girl Shrine" up ahead. Apparently, this German girl who had been running away from British soldiers back in WWI had ran there and fallen to her death. Subsequent sightings of her had led the islanders to build a shrine for her but her remains had long been moved elsewhere.

I was overwhelmed by anxiety by this time - without knowing why - and the best that I can liken it to, is perhaps, a feeling of claustrophobia.

So when we reached a path that led to a Clearing where open skies could be seen, I was relieved to be able to turn left onto it.

Did the place really exist? I've been wondering for the last 2-3 days. After poring over 620 photos yesterday and not finding a single shot of it (despite it being a rather nice place, with green grass and ferns, cobbled pathways that wound round the grass patch, overlooking an island opposite, the sea in between and big, open skies) only serves to make me wonder more.

It was a mistake to turn into that clearing.

it's just past 5pm and i'm finally settling down a little with my cup of coffee. the last few days have been crazy at CN and the last few weeks have been crazy with RCIA.

after lunch today, as ruby-doo was driving me back to the office, it suddenly hit me, with such force like a brick being dropped from the top of a skyscraper downwards to be caught by me, lying down on the floor, faceup - that Holy Saturday is THIS Saturday.

of cos, i knew that.

but of cos, it hadn't fully hit me yet. the brick was still on its way down.

well, today, it connected. smashed.
my face, not the brick.

at work, my boss is away in China so we had to source for foreign news besides managing our own articles. well, it ain't no fun with a computer as crap as this. every page you turn to takes a minute to load, and just when you think you've got it - you can just catch the first glimpse of the page you want to turn to, the damn thing hangs and dies!

yes, take it easy...
i do. i've learnt to.
but after a few hangups within one hour, you will explode just as i do.
today is printing day so it's on its way out, after clicking back and forth on various news agencies and downloading hires photos and transferring them to thumb drives and all. and we all know how long that can take on a snail apple like mine.

this has been great fun but enough already.

i need to focus on Easter Vigil. as usual, no matter how early we start planning and working, the work will still be halted by some cockups at some point or other, in this case, i think it's FKOS (Killer of Spirit).

but we will persevere. and as i told Mr C, we shouldn't let him bother us because we know why we do the things we do, and we are well aware of the spirit behind what we do, the spirit that we work in... if we pander to his childish and immature insecurities, then all we will be doing is to vie for his approval... which we don't need. why do we need to be in priests' good books?

that puzzles me. why do some people like to suck up to priests? i mean, i don't blame the priests... but i question the integrity of these people concerned. especially when they aren't like that in the first place. or maybe they are but just never displayed these traits before.

anyways, i don't know if it's my job that helped me open my eyes to see that a lot of people are more human than we imagine them to be - with the same prejudices, biases, failings and weaknesses that you and i have, which is excellent and to be celebrated! only it's a pity because they possibly think they are higher and mightier than you and i.

but this is not what it is about. i guess i'm venting.

Easter Vigil is 5 days away! we had our first actual rehearsal yesterday and i was so exhausted by it... i forget how tiring it can be every year... but it feels so great.

God is good, isn't he? despite my straying, He still gives me the strength i need. but i'm begging him not to let my personal failures reflect upon the journey. Please continue to watch over us all.