"The Little Girl Who Loved"

Recently, I met a young mother who wrote a children's book for her daughter, Ashley who passed away in 2005 when she was 7.

San San approached us for a book review. We don't do book reviews.

After some thought, I felt it might be a good story to share about San San's journey through the loss of Ashley and that's how we ended up with "The Little Girl Who Loved".

We met at Cafe Cartel at Serangoon Gardens. She's of the same age as my ruby-doo, really young.

So we started the interview and San San shared candidly with me everything she went through, from the first time she found out about Ashley's Brain Stem Tumour, her family's pilgrimage, the angels she met through her friends and family, how she handled Ashley's suffering over a year before she left.

Along the way, I had to swallow back lumps in my throat and blinked furiously to hold back the tears.

This brave, young mother wasn't going to break down, and neither am I. Who am I to steal that right to grief from her?

San San moved me a lot for her courage to be fearless. I cannot imagine how much this must have hurt her but she dealt with it, from beginning to end, and worked through the pain.

I had asked for Ashley's photo to accompany the story. And I had hesitated because I really didn't want to open up any wounds that might not have completely healed by making her look through old photos. But San San brought them and when I took them from her, I saw a most beautiful, sweet young girl. Gosh, that broke my heart!

I left Cafe Cartel shaking that afternoon, with a headache from tears I could not let fall freely. But through Ashley and San San, I have once again, witnessed the grace of God. Thank You.

+++++

During the interview, San San had mentioned a good friend of hers who signed on with the RCIA after hearing of her story.

Last week at our Landings meeting at my Holy Spirit parish, while preparing for the pilot run, Mr C spoke of the book. San San had given a few hundred to that good friend who had just gotten baptized through the RCIA journey we had just passed. This friend donated the books to Mr C for fundraising if need be.

Apparently, San San's friend was one of our catechumens all along.

Terror @ Pulau Ubin (Breaking it Down)

1. I imagined it all based on an irrational fear. August made up his version of the story and fed my fear.

2. Our minds fed off each other's and created this whole situation.
- I had vocalised my thought that the Clearing would have a lot of insects when we saw the swarm. Is that why he said later those birds looked like insects?
- I was the one who brought up the eeriness at the Clearing first (over dinner). Is that why he also felt that there was something there?

3. We did encounter some thing(s) along the way at Pulau Ubin.
- August's take is these things have their own reality, their own realm that they possibly fully believe in and that's what shapes their realm. We too, have our own reality, the here and now that we exist in. But their influence was stronger there, that's why we got sucked into their reality and we lost ours. That's why we couldn't see the exits even if they were in front of us.

4. Parts of it were generated by his mind... and parts by mine.
- At the Clearing, on our way out, I saw the road we should've taken. I saw it though it looked like a really small road and while riding up towards the dead end, I saw the road the whole time. But for some reason, I felt really confused and was just looking at the road without it registering.
--> Maybe his mind was latched onto not seeing it that I don't know what I was seeing too?

- On one of the paths leaving the Clearing, there was an angmoh boy cycling alone. I thought, why is he alone? August thought I meant he was a manifestation but no, I just didn't want him cycling alone to where we came from - a really bad place. With that thought, the dad suddenly appeared behind him. Did I conjure that? What is real and what isn't???

- A lot of times on the way, I wanted to just say "Let's turn around." Given how scared I was, that made sense but for some reason, I didn't and just followed him. He got lost and I got lost. I just didn't say anything. Why? Was I caught in his dream?

+++++

I don't know anymore. I've forced myself to go through it in my head over and over again and I've forced August to repeat his version of the story and what he actually saw and felt, all this time just looking for a loophole, a clue that would suggest that we had imagined this. But I can't find it.

+++++

On Monday, I think my mind fractured a little. Because of what August said about not being sure if we had left the island at all, I kept expecting at any moment, to snap awake from this reality right here, right now, to find myself back at Pulau Ubin, like I hadn't left at all.

It doesn't help that the images of the Clearing and the paths are at the back of my mind the whole time, like a wallpaper against which every other thought is placed. So they remain there!

I know why I feel like that. Though I have encountered spirits before, I've never been engaged for such an extended period of time. It felt like we were trapped in a nightmare that we just couldn't awake from. Was it real? Was any of that real?

Worst of all, my reality has never changed before. The spirits had remained there, infringing into my world but my world has remained the same. This time round, reality had changed.

Whatever had happened, be it my imagination or our imagination or not, the roads did change! It was concrete, I experienced the toughness of getting up that slope that didn't exist later! The maps that didn't make sense. They were there!!! How could they be unreal???

I don't understand it. And I'm still struggling to let go of this fear. I ask for your prayers, whoever reads this, for both me and August.

Terror @ Pulau Ubin - IV (August's version)

We had dinner at a seafood restaurant by the sea. I was so badly shaken. On the way out, I had been bitten and possibly even swallowed a small insect. All this would've made me fall off the bike normally but I was so crazed that I didn't care about any of it.

I was shaking and close to tears even as we sat down. And finally, I told August how scared I was back in there. He asked me to describe exactly what I felt, and I said, I don't know except I felt like we weren't alone at all.

In my mind, I could see the paths with the trees on either side stretching on forever and ever. Even now, they are still so vivid in my mind. I keep trying to cling to some form of logic, some explanation to make sense of it all. But I can't grasp any of that. So I keep questioning if it was my irrational fear and over-active imagination that placed me in that state.

+++++

About 8pm. We left Pulau Ubin after dinner.
On the ferry to Singapore.

August turned to me and said, "It's ok. You held it in pretty well. If you had lost it, it would've been quite tricky for me."

I apologised for perhaps, having spoilt the fun. He kept wanting to say something but holding back and I thought he was simply comforting me. But he kept repeating it until he eventually said, "I counted at least four places we went to where there was something there."

FUCK.

+++++

According to August, at the very first drink stall we passed, there was already something there that followed us for a while. That was why he slowed down to keep pace with me side by side. He said when he encountered that at the first drink stall, he was already thinking, we are screwed.

"Why didn't we turn back???" I asked to an incredulous look he threw me. We can't, he explained, because it wouldn't make a difference. We just had to keep going liaoz.


The Clearing

His take was that that place wasn't real at all. He asked didn't I notice the whole scene look funny? The sea didn't look right, everything looked hazy? I didn't notice because I was dead set on staring at the ground in front of me though he was peering at the sea the whole time.

He said the dogs didn't look real cos they didn't move AT ALL. Like they were pasted on the scene. I insisted the dogs did.

He said, the birds looked like insects.

YES THEY DID.

He said on the way out, by the time I had asked, "didn't we come up a really steep slope?" he already knew we were fucked but didn't want to say anything.

He apparently didn't even see the road on the right hand side on the way out (the true path), the one I had seen as a really small lane, at all. He only saw the one on the left, heading uphill, where the map was.

Upon entering the Clearing, he felt we were in trouble and he said the 'thing' at the Clearing followed us for a while too. When we were smoking, he started to feel like it was just getting too close and it was time to go.


Trying to find our way out, he said he knew the maps were fucked so there was no use looking at it already. We just weren't seeing the right things anymore.

He said we had passed a few maps along the way and every time he would turn to glance and the spots marked were always at the same place. It was only until we got off to check the maps did they change to show us at a different place from the rest he had glanced at as we passed.

NOW, I did not see any other maps. I insisted on checking the map whenever I saw one. I saw no other maps.

He said if I had lost it, it would've made it harder for us to find the way out. All he felt was we just had to look harder to find the right way.

The cement floor near the cemetery was another place that felt ominous to him.

+++++

At Changi Bus Terminal, while waiting for Bus 2.

We were smoking by the side of the bus stop. A bus pulled in in front of us. A Malay couple sat at the last row. The guy was gesturing to me and pointing at August. I said, "Is that your friend?"

"Who?"

The bus moved off so he couldn't see them.

"I don't know, some Malay guy with his girlfriend."

August gave me a scared look.

"What?!" I asked.

"The only Malay guy I know rides a bike. Why would he take the bus?"

"How would I know?" I asked but as the bus made a U-turn, I was suddenly seized with a thought, what if I don't see the couple at the back row???

But I did.

Later, when I asked him about that look, he said, "I was scared that we haven't actually left the island at all."

This statement of his really broke my mind.

Terror @ Pulau Ubin - III

I wanted to turn right, where we came from, back to the jetty. I had had enough. And as I said, the Clearing was where I had started to lose control and I could feel that slipping from me as I sunk deeper into an anxiety that was fast turning into a sharp, gripping fear.

But August said let's turn left. And though I wanted to protest, I didn't and just followed him. I don't know why.

We went on...

Now, I don't remember the sequence of events that happened next.

His bike broke down for some reason. The noise that came from it was similar to how the bike would sound when the bicycle chain is dislodged from the groove it is supposed to sit in. But the chains were intact. August said something about the teeth.

I started to lose my mind.

We started to get lost. There were left roads and right roads. Both sides we looked showed a path that led off into the distance, with trees on both sides. There was only supposed to be one main path round the island.

I felt like a hunted animal. It wouldn't be accurate to say that I felt like something was chasing us - no - but my focus was all on the road before me and on getting OUT. I could think of nothing else.

We came to a map. I made him look and was rather irritated initially because that seemed obvious. I cannot remember where it showed we were at but August later said it showed we were on the top left hand of the island. There was one time I thought it showed we were on the top right (but that even more doesn't match the actual map of Pulau Ubin).

It was a rather empty map, not one cluttered with lines and words and scale drawings. It only showed the route and a simple, "YOU ARE HERE."

I said, "Where's the jetty???" cos that wasn't labelled which was frustrating. Both of us agreed one spot on the map looked like a jetty but it was useless cos we didn't know for sure if it was where we thought it was.

August suggested to go on this road and of course, I followed. By this time, I wasn't thinking anymore. I was gripped in fear and literally, out of my mind.

Shortly, we arrived at another map. Again, I forced him to check it. This time round, we were at somewhere else incredulous. He said it showed we were at the bottom right hand of the island. I honestly don't remember what it showed.

What I remember though was, the map didn't make sense. How did we travel across the entire island when we had just cycled from one map to another? I was pacing and thought I'm not in the state to register anything anyway.

NOW, on hindsight, as I looked back, I'm not even sure if I had actually looked at the map. But I must have because the only feeling I remember is, "THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE."

We passed a cemetery. Not that it was particularly frightening which ought to be odd cos I was in a very bad state by then. But I didn't want a sight like that to make me crumble further. Then we hit a dead end where there was a cement flooring by the corner that I didn't want to look at. To be fair, I had by then, been keeping my eyes down. I was half afraid August would suggest we check out a shortcut but he didn't. He seemed pretty hurried too.

At one point, I started praying. Now, get this. It wasn't that I thought, "Turn to God." NO. Cos by this time, I was close to shutdown mode. It was a huge effort just keeping it in. Simply because I knew we had cycled for a very long time from the jetty and if I was to break down, we might not make it in time. But I was desperately clinging on to a last thread of sanity that I didn't feel.

So I just started praying. For God to please protect us, both of us, from any harm and all evil. And suddenly, my prayer branched out to, Help us return to Singapore the way we came, with nothing following us. Dear Lord, please get us out of here. Please, please, please...

I think it was the Holy Spirit that prompted me to pray.

And we were cycling SO FAST. SO DAMN FAST.

We got to a third map that looked different from the first two. We had come out on another two lanes, one to the left, one to the right. Both looked exactly the same. I was close to tears. This time round, the map labelled where the jetty was. Again, there were very few words... and it doesn't say where we were.

I was gone. That was it. I was half screaming, "WHERE ARE WE ON THIS DAMN MAP?!!" Pacing once more because I couldn't take it already. If a little pussy cat or a cute rabbit had so much as hopped out onto my path while we were cycling, I would've gone berserk. That was how close it was.

I remember breathing really hard, straining my muscles, and pushing myself on relentlessly cos I was too scared to be even slightly apart from August. I remember choking back tears and gasping all this in, all the while my eyes weren't registering anything around me except the road before me. One long road led to another that led to another... it just went on. I felt I was out of my mind because it just collapsed. There was NO WAY I could even rationalise and try to set things right in perspective. And I knew I should. I knew it, I knew I had to control this but all I could do was spend every last ounce of thought and concentration to not fall apart. If I had so much as allowed one tear to fall from my eyes, or one cry of distress, I would've gotten sucked into the world I was fearing. Then, I truly wouldn't know how to return. I KNEW THAT AS SURELY AS I KNEW I JUST. HAD. TO. KEEP. ON. GOING.

I was out of it. As it is, a butterfly had come near me at the second map and I didn't even feel frightened, short of avoiding its flutter.

August said, "Wait. Wait. Just wait and look." Me, pacing. Him, peering at the map continuously.

Suddenly, he said, "There. Here we are."

I went back and I still couldn't see it. And all at once, there it was. "YOU ARE HERE." in different font and colour from the first two. I swear, it wasn't there before. And I swear, when he pointed it out to me, I couldn't see it only until a while later.

I studied it to make sure we concur on the path to take and dashed off.

We cycled SO. DAMN. FAST.

I checked my watch. It was about 6.20pm. I must've checked my watch along the way cos I seemed to remember doing that but until that time, I had no idea what time it was. I was simply overwhelmed by a feeling that we had cycled for HOURS and had no way to get out. And we just HAVE TO FIND A WAY OUT BEFORE THE SUN SET.

I remember checking my watch that last time also because a rational thought that crept to my head was, we've only cycled for one-and-a-half hours! To my right, I saw the sun halfway in the sky.

If this was the right road, we will make it. If it isn't, we're screwed, I knew.

And I just pushed myself on, August too. Both of us were pretty much silent, and I was just trying not to cry.

And then, we got out.

WE GOT OUT.

Terror @ Pulau Ubin - II

We cycled on the path and came to a rather steep slope shortly after we entered the Clearing. It wasn't just caked mud and soil on the slope, but one covered with cobbles and stones, broken and messed up together.

Augut and I rode up and I overtook him on the way because I knew if I stopped, I would've rolled downhill so I had pedalled faster to keep momentum. I thought he stopped to wheel the bike up but he didn't. So we were close together, both of us panting away when we got to the top of the steep hill.

Nice place... I thought. But... still...

In the distance, I saw a swarm of something flying together.

"There are a lot of insects here, right?" I asked. He said yup! I wanted to use that as an excuse to say I didn't want to be there and to turn around. But for some reason, we carried on.

Strangely, I headed towards the swarm of something flying nearby. Up till this point, I hadn't thought what they were but only when they flew right by me did I see that they were birds - funny looking ones - and I said, "so cute!" This doesn't make any sense on hindsight because with my fear of insects, I wouldn't have gone so near them without knowing they weren't insects.

Anyway, August kept looking at the sea that was on our left. He was standing on his bike as he was cycling and constantly looking at it. I was staring at the ground we were cycling on to make sure I could warn him if there was a pothole or some huge rock in front before he fell and hurt himself. Mostly because, I didn't know what I would do if he injured himself. Left to my devices, I doubt I could help us find a way out.

And all this time, I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable.

We remained on this path that took us round a broad bend, turning right, with the grass on our right. It was like cycling one big round. Then we reached the end where the path stopped so the start and end of the path didn't actually meet. I was ready to turn around and head right back out.

It was here that I started to lose control of my thoughts.

August said he wanted to pee. I said, "Must you pee here?"
"Yeah, why not!"

Then he suggested taking a smoke. "Now?"

I was nervy. But to quell that, I deliberately did what I normally would, which is to take a smoke break. It was a big effort holding this unreasonable anxiety in.

Halfway through the cigarette, he suddenly said, "Ok, let's go!"
"Now?" I asked again. We got on our bikes and moved off, hurriedly, for some reason.

I kept repeating, don't leave me behind.

We passed the same two dogs resting in the grass on our way out. We continued to turn left around the same round.

I kept expecting to reach the downhill slope - the one we had panted on our way up.

It wasn't there.

"Didn't we come up a very steep slope??" I asked August in confusion. He muttered something like a yeah.

Then we reached a fork in the road though it wasn't really a fork. There was a road to the right, something that resembled a small little dirt path that didn't seem to head to anywhere. By this time, I was really confused and determined not to take any small lanes as I wanted to get out of this Clearing.

To our left was a steep cobbly slope uphill, with a map standing to the left of the path. August said, "OK, you wait here, I go check the map."

I threw my bike down and ran after him. He said to take that uphill road and I said, "But we came up a steep slope! We should be going down!" I don't know what he said.

Both of us wheeled our way up the slope because I think we were somewhat tired. Got on the bikes at the top of the slope and went on our way. I remember looking down the grass patch to my right and seeing another lane that led out to a van and some huts. I remember because I thought, if I had to reach that lane fast, would it be wise to cycle downhill through the grasses? And I decided no because the grass was really tall and I couldn't tell if there were places to fall into or trip over.

We hit a dead end. A gate that said "No Entry" and something about "OBS". August actually wanted to ride on. I said, "It says 'no entry'! Can we take the main road?"

"Where's the main road?"

"There!" I pointed at the road underneath. I don't know why we went up that slope to get to the dead end. All I remember was feeling utterly confused at this point and I just couldn't wait to get out of that place.

So we backtracked and the feeling of coming down that steep slope that we wheeled our bikes up made me think that was the slope we had gone up on upon our entrance to the Clearing... except, that didn't make sense cos that road led to a dead end whereas the one we entered by took us round the bend.

We got out.

I felt my mind was starting to come apart.

Terror @ Pulau Ubin - I

Sunday, 13 April 2008

It was 5pm as we got off the ferry at Pulau Ubin. The ride was smooth and short, much shorter than the amount of time we had spent waiting at Changi Ferry Terminal for more visitors to the island - the ferry wouldn't leave unless there were 12 people. August, me and another couple ended up splitting the fare amongst ourselves.

It had seemed like a better idea than waiting another hour for eight people to show up.

August hadn't been so keen on cycling by the time we arrived but I was as I didn't want to make the trip for nothing. So we got our bikes from one of the many shops with big signages that shouted "$2".

We got on our bikes and pedalled our way through the little town, onto the path that would take us to explore the island. Before long, we reached a left turn into some grass patch amidst sand and soil.

That was when the first wave - or perhaps, more accurately, a little ripple - of an unpleasant feeling came over me. I breathed hard and sucked it all in. This wasn't a good time to let my imagination run wild; we had only just started on our 'expedition'!

"There are many people around, and the sky's still bright," I rationalised.

So off August and I went... further into the island... leaving behind the throngs of crowd... finding ourselves meandering on the path surrounded by forests on both sides.

We passed a couple of derelict drink stalls. I cannot imagine when they were ever patronised.

We went into a side lane to see some temples built on a mound beside a lake with many dogs lazing by. August asked if I wanted to stop to visit the temples and I had said I didn't particularly want to.

That uncomfortable feeling of unpleasantness had not been dismissed.

We went on. Came to a yellow and red signboard that pointed out, "German Girl Shrine" up ahead. Apparently, this German girl who had been running away from British soldiers back in WWI had ran there and fallen to her death. Subsequent sightings of her had led the islanders to build a shrine for her but her remains had long been moved elsewhere.

I was overwhelmed by anxiety by this time - without knowing why - and the best that I can liken it to, is perhaps, a feeling of claustrophobia.

So when we reached a path that led to a Clearing where open skies could be seen, I was relieved to be able to turn left onto it.

Did the place really exist? I've been wondering for the last 2-3 days. After poring over 620 photos yesterday and not finding a single shot of it (despite it being a rather nice place, with green grass and ferns, cobbled pathways that wound round the grass patch, overlooking an island opposite, the sea in between and big, open skies) only serves to make me wonder more.

It was a mistake to turn into that clearing.