a last date? - Part II

picked him up from his place in the evening and we headed to east coast park.

there, we went to BFD (and no one else i know likes that place as i do, and him maybe?) and we had a good (really good) time talking.

he's getting married too, in January next year. i can't explain how happy i am for him. looking at him sitting across me, i didn't see the Apostle i used to know anymore. in his place, i see the man that i had always seen inside that playful one i know. i see the man who has finally come into being.

and with that, comes a realisation, all over again, that we have grown up. we have.

and with that, comes another realisation, that the Apostle i used to know, is nothing but a memory from now on.

i don't know also, if it's because both of us were sitting there, strangely very much aware of how we have grown up, that we started to talk more openly.

(by the way, as i'm writing this now, he and i are chatting over sms)

he said he never understood why he feels a special closeness to me - not in a relationship kind of way, not entirely platonic either, and definitely not as a brother-sister sort of kinship. he just feels close to me.

many things were said that night. we talked about how we first met... and how both of us were going through a lot of shit in those years.

looking back now, again, i think God has been remarkably kind and gracious. for us 2 souls in need of perking up, spacing out, casual friendship, He has indeed provided.

as the night went on, we got more comfortable with each other, this especially after having not met for more than a year (maybe 2?).

at the end of the night, we headed to the beach ("I need to get my feet wet," he said).

there we sat on the beach, looking at the ships in the distance, and suddenly, he looked sad.
which sort of reflected how i felt too... it felt so, final. like we were 2 friends meeting for the last time.

i don't know why.

maybe because our friendship had always been a sort of casual dating. whenever we meet is when we're not attached. whenever we meet, we hold hands, we date, we kiss, etc... and the amount of respect i have for our situation despite the fact that i don't get physical (AT ALL) with anyone but my partner, is because it's very much with mutual understanding and respect!

anyway, we walked in the sea, we walked along the beach, we laughed really heartily at young boys throwing one another and all falling into the sea, we climbed the breakwater...

and some other stuff that i so wish to record but probably shouldn't...

(i feel like crying now)

when we climbed down the breakwater, we stood at the beach and suddenly, we were hugging each other, in a "there-there" sort of way. like as if we were comforting each other. i told him to be good, and he told me to be a good wife from now on.

it never felt so real with the Apostle before... and it had never felt that sad either.

firstly, i missed terribly the Apostle of yester-years, whom i will never get to meet again.
secondly, it felt like we were parting ways when we had truly become friends.

(at this moment right now, we're planning to meet up again. but will that happen? i don't know.)

i cannot figure out why that night unfolded the way it did and it really ate me up inside wondering why it ended so sadly when things went so fine.

i don't know. i still don't.

a last date? - Part I

when i left here some months ago to my new blog, i didn't think i'd be back here.

but now here i am; maybe this blog is meant to be a very personal diary of sorts then.

met up with the Apostle on 21 May.

that few weeks, the whole getting-married bit was getting into my psyche. it hit me that i won't get to date anymore, nor will there be anymore getting closer back to ex-es thing anymore either. honestly, not that i want to get back with my ex-es. it's just always been that way, like when things fall apart, it seemed to be a matter of time before things got back together.

how do i put it?

not getting back together, or not getting together with anyone is fine. but not having that option is a different matter altogether.

so it started that one night, i dreamt of potato. one of those usual dreams i had over many years - when i had to choose between him and someone else. in some dreams, i would choose to go with potato and though it made the other partner sad, i knew it was the right choice. in some other dreams, i had to leave with the other person and it was so sad to leave potato behind.

those are dreams - remnants of the amount of hurt i went through all those years ago with potato. and while i know even exactly how long it takes to recover from those nightmares - one day - they affect me nonetheless.

i went through one day agonising over this pointless dream. pointless because it's a DREAM, nothing more.

one night, reaching home at about 3am after pump room with ruby-doo and trix, i made 2 calls. one to potato (who didn't answer, haha, and who never returned my call either) and another, an sms to the Apostle whom i then spoke with over the phone and chatted with over sms.

and so we planned to meet up.

strangely, at a time when i didn't think we would ever meet again.