Yes, Crucify Him.

"Crucify him!" i said as loudly as i dared when Pontius Pilate asked what we wanted to do with Jesus.

when he asked a second time, i said more loudly, though my heart was breaking because i knew the outcome of the trial and i knew jesus would die because of me.

"CRUCIFY HIM!!!".... in the moment those words came out of me, i felt as if time had wrapped itself up and all of it - from the beginning to eternity from now - all met on one plane, enmeshed in that singular period when all of humanity, now long dead and gone, now yet to be borne, screamed out in one voice, "C R U C I F Y H I M !!!!!"

i hate my part in the Palm Sunday Gospel reading. we are always the crowd, the ingrates who shouted for Pontius Pilate to crucify Jesus.

as the thought of just how much i hate the lines i had came to mind, the recognition also sank in, with that sensation again of time folding in upon itself, that i am fully responsible for His crucifixion.

just minutes ago, we had been waving palms as the priest and his entourage of altar boys processed passed us into the church. i waved Christ in with mixed emotions...

... with joy because i know that i had shared in the momentous event in history when Jesus Christ himself (!!!) rode past me on a donkey and i saw him through others' bobbing heads and frantic waves of their palms!

... but also with sorrow as i knew that minutes later i would be one of the same people who welcomed him, to want him crucified.

i was a part of that great unfolding that led to the world being saved. with heaviness of heart, a great, big lump in my throat and a desire to be a part of those Jesus died for, if that is what it takes to accept His love as well, i mustered enough courage to admit my failings and enough strength to not break into tears as i uttered: "C R U C I F Y H I M".

Reflections

it has been said that you know you're in trouble when you look in the mirror and you cannot stand to see your own reflection.

i tried that last night and i could. but i still knew i was in trouble because i didn't see who i feel i am. i saw an outwardly chirpy with what can be passed off as confident, reflection. yet i was trembling with great fear and vulnerability as the reflection looked back at me.

"you're not very nice anymore," a dear friend told me last night. "you bite. and you bite hard." i agree whole-heartedly that i bite hard these days. and it sickens me. but i disagree that i'm not very nice anymore. in the midst of feeling this sharp stab of pain in my heart, the question arose in my mind, "how can there be this disparity?"

how can i know that i am still a nice person but also recognise that i bite hard these days? oh well, one more step forward to regain Lost Self.

Life is such an irony. and it sometimes seems that Irony exists just to prove that you are totally blinded when you think you are most clear-sighted; and also to show that your efforts are futile beyond comprehension and there only for you to have a jeer at yourself.

i had thought that i finally knew who i was after 24 years of my life. for i found myself in a state of grace where there was always a lingering peace within me that lifted me beyond mere human emotions. THAT was real. but i basked in it too long and refused to grow along with it.

in holding on to that invulnerability so tightly, i had somehow exchanged that state of grace for a cheap cloak for protection. and i didn't even know a switch had been made!

how stupid, how foolish... how utterly selfish and inexcusable!

it really isn't a very pleasant feeling to uncover lousy traits about yourself that you cannot even make excuses for. and it took a dear friend to point out these flaws.

the vulnerability i feel now is incredibly suffocating and hurting. but i embrace it because it means i have managed to unravel the misguided notions i had enshrouded myself in and led me to become who i am today.

in the last week, i learnt that being independent and strong does not require me to be aggressive. i need only be persevering and let God do the rest.

although it only took one week to discard that filthy, cheap cloak, it's going to take a longer time to put together a new one with better values and more honest means... and then to don it.

and sometimes, it really takes an old friend or one brutally honest enough to help you make that change. if your ugliness hasn't chased them away yet.

Prayers Work... Be Careful.

when i was in college, i fell in love with a boy i didn't know.

a year later, we went to Changi beach. there, we spent an afternoon not doing anything much. it didn't go well at all. but he left me with three words that i carried with me even when he disappeared. he described that afternoon as "time well spent".

a year later, when i was on my knees praying for love to take me out of my loneliness, i had in mind a specific person to ask for and it wasn't him. but somehow, when i uttered my prayer, his name came to my lips as he came to my mind and heart. so i prayed for him as a companion.

i tell you today, prayers work.
be careful.

a year later, i bade him farewell as he crossed the gates at the Airport to cross thousands of miles to get to another shore where a new life awaited him. i remember that on the night before he left, i touched his face as i lay beside him and i felt my heart breaking. i didn't know why and i didn't dare to cry. i remember on the way back from the airport that night, the cab driver insisted on staying on one mandarin station that had a woman's melancholic, hauntingly sorrowful voice singing about the last time she met her lover.

it did turn out to be the last time i was with him.
my love walked through the gates of Changi Airport and he disappeared again.

i banged hard on Heaven's gates and demanded to know why God answered a prayer that he knew would end up in heartbreak and tears.

six years later, he returned to me... at a time when i didn't foresee it and at a stage in my life when i couldn't accommodate anyone with me. i had a new job, working as a servant on a big vineyard, a job that occupies all my time and leaves me feeling vulnerable and empowered all at the same time. but i felt that i needed someone, a physical partner.

i had someone in mind. and i rang for God (we had made up) and asked if he might send me someone. i knew that God probably had someone in store for me and i didn't have to worry about where i was going to find time to meet people, spending all my time sweating in the vineyard. He will provide.

but the first prayer i sincerely made for someone to be my companion in the last two years was uttered. i thought it might be the Apostle. it turned out not to be. it turned out to be him. the boy whom i didn't know and fell in love with when i was in college.

i tell you today, prayers work.

my memory returns to those moments when i knelt at Novena pews begging for God to take my pain away after he left. i remember trying to bargain with God and conceding that, fine, take him away for NOW so we can grow individually but please to return him to me after we have had our fair share of experiences.

i tell you again... prayers work.

A Worker on the Vineyard

i work on the vineyard. there is always much to be done on any given day. most of us start out planting seeds hoping to witness the day when an entire harvest springs forth from them. along with watering them, we learn how to offer words of kindness and encouragement when needed to help these seedlings to grow with strength.

occasionally, one or two passers-by on this vineyard drop a careless comment or take an unguided step and trample on the tender shoots. when that happens, we have to be there to make sure that these shoots, though lost and shaken, remain firmly rooted and continue to reach for the light.

the work is hard... but the rewards are many. they more than make up for the drops of sweat fallen.

but sometimes, i still forget why i do what i do. in planting these seeds, i forget to thank the Lord for handing me these seeds to plant. in watching my seedlings grow and helping them to grow in strength, i forget to be grateful for being given the task of nurturing them.

most of all, there are times when i try to spy approacing storms but in looking that far ahead, i miss the golden rays of sunshine beaming down on all of us right now.

when i pull out the weeds that threaten to choke my plants, i fear that i may accidentally pull out my plants in my anger and resentment. the line is fine for where anger stops and love begins.

working on the vineyard is not easy... but i can't leave because i love the job.

the best part is... there is always a guaranteed bountiful harvest. what can i ask for than to be able to reap my rewards and be aware of these gifts?