some passions should be given up

here i am... at 8.13pm on a Tuesday night, munching MacDonald's fries that my colleague, skyvva, bought me for dinner.

tomorrow is printing day for the paper. i have not worked this late for a long, long time. right now, i am filled with a sense of deja vu and nostalgia all rolled up snugly together.

yes, i am thinking of the old life. the old life filled with endless late nights, not enough sleep, hours of waiting and too much cigarettes and booze to stay awake and to reassure ourselves we have a life, all at the same time.

the advertising industry is everything the imagination perceived it to be - every bit as "glamorous" (glamour being a sham for the ugliness beneath, as even the imagination couldn't mask), bitchy (call it survival or instinct or, for some, nature) and fast-paced. ironically, i thrived on the adrenaline, nothing else.

it's been said that you need faith to survive in the advertising world. otherwise, you won't be able to pull through all the self-doubts and uncertainties. well, for the Creatives at least.

the problem is, i didn't have that faith to begin with. i went into advertising because firstly, it was a viable option that seemed like fun but mostly, because someone i loved had told me that i wouldn't be able to - that i was just daydreaming.

looking back, those days were thoroughly exhausting. and it was that, which kept me going.

exchanged some SMSes with Mr Cheong just last week. he's left for greener pastures and according to him, the grass IS greener at the destination that he's arrived at. good for him. and he asked if i miss the fast life.

OH YES I DO!!!! I MISS IT SO DAMN MUCH!!!

but i know how this works. who wants to settle for the simple and nice life when they can have the exciting and passionate one? not me. well, not always.

do i regret my decision? absolutely not. i know exactly why i left. it was the life, the culture i like, not the job, not the work.

so i still look back on those days with a lot of affection but i am happy as hell that i'm in a place that resembles less of that, despite the cacophony and the insane exchanges happening around me everyday.

and yes, i am working "late" in the office. late by the standards here... but it would have just been the start of the second half of the work day previously.

love the quiet, the night, the stillness in the office... time to do what i want to do, at my own pace, in my own way. best thing is, i am perfectly happy here.

contentment is a big substitute for ecstasy, especially when the ecstacy isn't real to begin with.

Time will tell

My colleague is getting married, probably sometime next month. I should feel happy for him, but wariness is all I feel.

After all, he is only meeting her for the first time next month. She's from China and they have, so far, corresponded only through email. He's determined to wed her though and says that all he wants is to settle down and build a family. That's all he hopes to achieve and I suppose this is his vision of how to attain that dream.

My advice was for him to get to know her slowly and as time helps us to reveal their true selves to each other, to marry only when they are certain they wish to be together inspite of differences that may crop up.

Yes, practical me.

He says that that way does not guarantee happiness either. Which is true, I guess... He says that he was with his ex-wife for two years before they got married and stayed married for six years before finding out that she cheated on him. So there is no sure way to win the game. What does it matter then, how long they know one another? Well... I guess...

Just a year ago, his wife had divorced him. When I came to this office half a year ago, he was still shattered. I find it difficult to accept that he is thinking with a clear mind and this is what he really wants. But who am I to stand in the way of a man driven towards nailing his happiness?

Just a year ago, two other friends of mine got together. And they were just married over the last weekend.

Truth be told, I hardly knew them. They were more acquaintances than friends. I first heard about their plans for marriage before I got to know them better. And I thought, one year isn't enough for you guys to know you want to be committed forever!

But as I got to know them, ever so slightly better, I see a perfect union in the couple. They are like bosom buddies and that, to me, is something that doesn't come along for all couples and should be treasured if encountered.

Gradually, over the year, my perception of this couple changed. Cynical me admitted that maybe some relationships will work where others failed.

They got married last weekend. And I was surprised by just how happy I felt for them... There were tears in my eyes and this feeling of sharp joy banging against my heart.

Happiness always, then!

Maybe time does tell how a person is really like. And time will reveal our innermost selves. But maybe time won't do a thing to make true hearts different. And maybe time is negligible in the face of two people who really want to be together.

I wouldn't know... I guess Time will tell. ;)