watching books

i'm devouring books again. the last time i did that was six years ago when i swiftly polished off 50 books within one year. or was it 25? that's an average of 2-4 books a month. i remember because i had a loyalty card from Kinokuniya and i proudly, angrily and determinedly collected all 50 stamps. or was it 25?

that took less than, but almost, a year, exactly.

i remember because i was in depression for that long.

but i lost myself in the world of my books the moment i turned a page. i read classics, novels, thrillers, coming-of-age plots. slowly, i ventured to plots that touched on love again. i wept over the books and i laughed over them. literally.

i breathed the life created in those tales and i lived the characters' lives. the books saved mine. it was my only means of escape from my deep wounds that i carried around and refused to let go of then. they were the only reprieve i had. it was only in the books that i was able to leave my fucking world behind to ones that don't, in any way, tear at me from inside out.

books have always had that effect on me. images spring to my mind's eye, whole landscapes are formed right before me. characters move and go about their activities and i, the voyeur, sometimes participate in their activities and sometimes stand right beside them, watching quietly, unnoticed. it's like there's a screen right between my eyes and the page, where the words merge to create whole images and scenes to be played on the movie screen of my vision.

do i watch or do i read? sometimes, it's hard to tell the difference.

OBSESSION

he has effectively moved into one of the rooms in my mind. i think about him a lot. every second? i don't know, but practically every waking minute. i would have loved for him to be on my mind as i dream but i have yet to dream of him. what i would do with him in Dreamland, i don't know.

perhaps i'll unravel a little bit more of the mystery that still surrounds him. peel off some layers that he hides beneath. and learn about his seeming self-assurance that really hardly fools me.

sometimes, i indulge in thoughts of him. and i catch myself smiling at any inanimate object in front of me. of course, i try to hide it as i really wouldn't want my colleagues to find out that i am actually insane.

sometimes, i don't want to think about him. but his name gets mentioned or a song comes on that tugs at my heart strings, the same strings that will trigger off an image or two of him and i'm back to smiling at inanimate objects.

i wish i knew what is it about him that arrests me such. but i don't know. or maybe if i know, then i wouldn't feel this vulnerable. not being real makes thoughts of him delicious ... something for me to savour and delight in at my own time and will.

lately though, it's turning real. i've inadvertently trodden into dangerous territory. obessions are acceptable if they remain far away. play with my mind and fantasies, i don't care.

come near me, touch me, play with my heart and be gone! i will invoke you the next time i need you to get me through a rough patch.

there is no permanent room for you in my heart. those have been occupied and it will do you well to not ever reserve a place in it anyway.

so for now, be at rest and remain a dream.

lie with me and forget the world

i had one glass of margarita that was so well-mixed i didn't taste the tequila at all... and neither was the lime sour. it was a GOOD MARGARITA. especially when after just one glass, i find myself floaty and happy.

it was a GOOD MARGARITA.

then i had red wine.

so by the time i got to Paulaner Brahaus at Millenia Walk, my vision wasn't as sharp as it was a few hours earlier, especially since after my dumb eyes got infected too.

i saw this guy sitting at a table RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. he had shoulder-length hair and well, he was handsome.

*blink blink* i blinked. Jonathan Leong?

*looks hard at him* well, after i scrutinised his face while trying to avoid being too obvious, (which was quite tough because he was RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME) i concluded, i'm wrong, that's not Jonathan. he looks handsomer than Jonathan.

went indoors. Fweedarth Vader came up to me and asked, "was that Jonathan outside?" with confidence, i said, "no lah! i thought he was too! but no!"

ok, fine. *grits teeth*

Wai Wai saboed me and dedicated Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" as a request to the band to sing for my birthday. for those who don't know, that's the song Jonathan sang at SI2006, and when asked by the judges why he sang so passionately, he said, "i'm thinking of somebody." *melts* and again during the finals that BLEW ME AWAY.

so band lady makes fun of me and says birthday girl has to go up on stage to sing. my ass, i will.

then she says, well, birthday girl should sing with Jonathan Leong because, yes, he sang that song... *bla bla blah* (refer to information above on Jon and "Chasing Cars")...

and here comes the clincher.

"Jonathan was just here. Yes, Jonathan Leong just left."

*whimpers* he was RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*SCCREAMS!!!! SCCREEEAMS!!!!! SCCCREEEEEEEEEEAAAMSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!*

*cries*

*flashback to SI Finals* Jonathan stepped up on stage and crooned in his silky, low and somewhat melancholic (pensive? *bitter laugh*) voice:

"We'll do it all, everything, on our own,
we don't need anything, or anyone,
if I lay here, if I just lay here,
would you lie with me and just forget the world?"

and on he went... and then when it came to the part of the song where the bass gets turned up, it came out strong, blasting through the speakers, live to 9,000 people, with mini-fireworks (what are THEY called?) shooting sparks up in one row behind him as he lost himself in the song and i lost myself in the rhythm and dance as best i can, seated. :|

euphoria. a surge of pure, untainted adrenaline coursing through my blood. the joy, the ecstasy... PURE, ADDICTIVE EUPHORIA.

he was right in front of me... *sigh*

yes, Jonathan, i would lie with you and just forget the world.

and you too, potato.
and you, Blue Cap.
and The Apostle.
well, yes, would any of you lie with me and just forget the world?

*grins* guess not.

i'll lie by myself then and i'm already forgetting the world every now and then.

Moonshine Boardwalk @ Pierce-it-through-my-heart!!! Reservoir

"which are ours?" i asked Kwazy who gave me a lift to Peierce Reservoir two Fridays ago, referring to a whole bunch of children running wildly and madly on an open ground.

we had planned a "Moonshine Boardwalk" for the kids to carry their assorted lanterns and for the adults to have an excuse to gather, binge and drink. i was prepared for many kids that night from all the different families... but...

i looked around.

"THEY'RE ALL OURS!" i realised.

... i wasn't prepared for THAT many.

and i wasn't prepared for...

"SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU..." hmmm. fell for it again. *dammit*

it was nice though! we were out on a night when we were advised to stay indoors as the haze indicator reached dangerously high levels. *haha*

well, we carried lanterns... me, being the birthday girl, had to lead the kids on their walk... a walk that would have taken maybe 20 minutes to and fro, lasted... God knows how long. why?

every step we take, one flame got blown out. *stops to relight*

"ok, now you're set. let's go." *one step forward*

another child's light got blown out. *sigh*

finally, when we have relit ALL the candles that got blown out, *steps ahead*...

"my candle's gone!" some kid will call out because their candle's all consumed.

*SCREAMS!!!* but i have to admit, it was fun.

except for the part when we made it back to the rest of the group and i realise someone's finished my vodka. *angwy*

ok, so then we played dog and bone, 3 against 3. i don't know how and why, but when only 2 names are called, 5 people ran out, leaving only me protesting vehemently!!!

*laughs* bunch of cheats.

it was a great night. even though that was one of the last places i wanted to go to... lower peierce. never been there in 6 years, not because i didn't get the chance to but because i had carefully navigated each occasion away from lower peierce.

to think, this time round, at a time when i'm least able to revisit the place, i was to return to that place where i found my first love... who was also my last love?

but God's grace again, surprises me in that it doesn't cease to surprise me... that despite my fears, returning to a place that has been carved in one's heart does not necessarily bring pain... well, aches maybe, but you'll survive dragging up those age-old, dusty and almost forgotten memories.

it was a great night, it was an excellent night. and it is time to move on.

and i am still 18 *wink* so i have my whole life ahead of me! :D