the MAD apostle

we know how i have been saying the Apostle gets me... and how i am arrested by him though i don't know him that well?

i just figured it all out.

we are both crazy. that's why.

lunatics.

not in a good way. my eyes are almost 3/4 shut. i am so tired. but in an exchange of emails, i saw the light.

we are in a state of funk. where the mind is somehow, refusing to collapse in on itself but running at high speeds, processing thoughts, reflections, and even analysing emotions and feelings.

it's some sort of adrenaline that's coursing giddily through my blood that's keeping me jumpy, edgy, and making me feel like throwing myself off a building (not in a suicidal way but in a way just to prove that i can actually survive the fall, which of course, i know i can't but i just want to do it anyway).

and then obviously, the body can't keep up with this rush of excitement and depression, all at the same time. what happens? we are suspended in time. and physically, we feel like just crawling our way into a ready-dug grave and just sleep there. if we get rejuvenated, good. we'll crawl our way out. if not, then eternal rest is already inviting us in that soily bed.

so while the mind is racing so far ahead, happily forgetting about the body, the body is suffering just trying to catch up. and in the meantime, the soul is looking on, stretched both ways, one end with the mind, the other with the body and the heart is pumping furiously energising the soul to hold on to what it knows is true. not really succeeding but you have to give credit to this so strong heart that never gives up despite how many beatings it takes.

oh yes, i was talking about lunacy.

funny. the Apostle feels the same way i do right now. i didn't even mention that i'm feeling this way. he started talking about it and i am just amused because of how much i actually understand what he's talking about.

and he was raving and ranting and as i said to him, "you sound mad".

he did. but i do too.

and suddenly, in that moment, it dawned on me. we are crazy people. maybe that's why i feel drawn to him. lunacy seeks company too. i have many lunatic friends but they are obviously lunatic. the Apostle wasn't so obvious to me. i had thought it was this detachment and strange self-assuredness that stood him apart. i had so misread it. it's nothing more than a shock of lunacy.

but i still like! :)