One Really Difficult Week-I

i had one of the worst weeks of my life.

Mr C left for KL and Vietnam 2 weeks ago. i knew something bad was going to happen. i didn't know what but i felt that something was wrong with him. i put it off as he was away and we had no proper chance to talk. but i couldn't shake that sense of dread and fear in the pit of my stomach.

on the bad days, i started imagining that i was going to get a call from Mrs C to say that the plane that Mr C was on had crashed or something. haha. when these thoughts came, i knew my imagination had taken over and i could laugh at myself.

but that was really how fearful i was. because i KNEW something was either happening or was going to happen... or that something was wrong or would go wrong. i just KNEW.

Mr C said he was taking the "noon flight" home last Wed. i assumed "noon" meant 12pm or early noon after 12pm. Tuesday and Wednesday (especially Tues), i was just attempting to keep my nerves in control. i worked, i wrote, i read, i did RCIA. but i was just feeling sick and i didn't know why.

Wednesday went by relatively better because i kept myself busy. all i remember was at one point, i realised it was late afternoon and then i thought, "no call from Mrs C. Mr C should've landed. i think all is ok." but i still felt really weird, partly cos i didn't hear from him. but probably mostly cos something just didn't feel right.

evening time. i stayed back in the office as i had an event to attend that started at 8pm. was working on RCIA when one of the neophytes exchanged some SMSes with me. she ended by saying, "Mr C is really blessed to have an efficient team like you all." my reply to her, "we are really blessed to have him." and as i typed that, i felt a little anxiety again. i still remember looking at my watch, but i don't remember what time it was... looking back, it must have been 7 or 7-ish... and thinking, things should be ok. it's so late already.

just as that thought came, my phone rang and i looked at who's calling - Mrs C.

i swear, my heart just sank. and yet, i told myself, could be just something she wanted to talk to me about... or Mr C's hp died or something... whatever... something...

i answered as cheerfully as i could.

i still remember the words...

"J, Mr C won't be able to make it for RCIA tomorrow night."

"ok......." breathe, don't worry, maybe he's held up in vietnam and didn't come after all. Mrs C didn't sound like the plane her husband was on had crashed.

"I don't want to alarm you..." FUCK. "but he's in hospital... he was admitted straight after he landed about half an hour ago."

i didn't know what to say. she hadn't seen him.

"is he ok?" i finally managed to say, without betraying the cold fear in my heart.

"J, i tell you very honestly. his health has suffered a lot because of RCIA..." i don't remember what else she said after that. i was consumed with guilt. GUILT. i had failed to take care of him. despite ruby-doo telling me i have always taken very good care of him, i had failed.

he works on RCIA till 12-1am every night, if not later... he wakes up at 4.30am every morning. i knew he was tired... but i know also how much he loves what he's doing... and i assumed that that would always be enough to keep him going as he claimed. but obviously, i should have known better. who can go on 3 hours of sleep every night year after year?

+++++

the situation was never as bad as i had imagined... but i know how things can work in the RCIA. i know how people can fall ill and just pass on so quickly. every year, we scramble to prepare condolences cards and to coordinate funeral masses unexpectedly. hospital visits are part and parcel of the journey - these visits to people who fall ill or discover they are ill only when they come on the journey. i know how things work.

as it is, i am so terribly frightened by the thought of the more elderly friends, people like Anthony and Carmen, whom i know i have to send off at some point or other. but the thought that it might happen to someone a lot closer to my heart has never occurred to me. partly cos it's just too difficult to imagine.

what happens then?