There Are Some Things That Money Can't Buy

naively, it had never occurred to me for real that one day, the journey can, or will, or may, end.

it's not like i had told myself that i would go on forever. the opposite holds more truth. there are many junctures of each journey where i find myself halted, gasping for breath, screaming for release and digging deep into reserves for sufficient strength to step out onto the next lap.

sadly, there are also bends on each journey that i fail to round up smoothly enough and i am bumping, falling, and clawing just to go on... at these times, frustration takes over and anger replaces the peace and camaraderie i feel with and for my fellow companions.

these are the times i tell myself it's time to retire unless i am able to get back on the right track with God and with my comrades. because i don't ever want to leave. and i feel that more sharply now than ever before. but along the way, i had never once thought that i would be journeying for life.

a couple of weeks ago, when i picked up speed in preparing for baptism, a strange thought occurred to me that i could give up everything else and do this for life. what exactly is "this"? i don't know. all i know is it most definitely does NOT entail an entrance ticket to the nunnery. nah-ah. in all likelihood, "this" means RCIA.

with that strange thought came the threat to leave RCIA for good. it wasn't that i was ready to leave. but i felt it got robbed out of my hands. my heart was broken. all i wanted was to rail out against the injustice of the whole situation, to scream at people i wanted to be angry at but i couldn't. if i did, those in the team would've faltered too... and whatever happens, i will not be the one to jeopardise a journey.

it hit me then, that the journey can end one day. and it suddenly dawned on me that we aren't allowed to quit on a journey. it's wrong. for people who've got RCIA blood, (and this goes for other ministries), we are not allowed to quit.

but i was watching as the journey got prised out of my hands. that pain was incredible. it was sharp and it sliced through me ever so intently and deliberately. and i was simply heartbroken. there was no other word for it. it's not the same heartbreak as when i thought i was leaving CN. that was difficult, definitely but this... this is my baby. and i was forced to let go.

one night, the question came to mind. "Just how much is a journey worth?" can we pay for it with the little heartbreaks we embrace?

i had no answer.

God was not speaking to me anymore. or i wasn't listening anymore for i heard nothing. i had closed the door between Heaven and Earth and i was banging hard on this door and trying to holler my prayers, or was it my demands, across this threshold but i couldn't reach God. i was yelling for Him to open the door but of course, he couldn't. not when i was the one holding the key. not when i was the one who had unknowingly, shut the door. i didn't do it consciously. in fact, i'm not sure that i ever did. all i know is God would never shut that door. so it's got to be me.

i just had to be there for a hurt friend, many depressed people and my own boiling anger. but it really didn't go as badly as i imagined. none of that darkness consumed me because i was already filled with bitterness and regret that this would most likely be my last journey. there was no solution.

it's always traumatising to watch friends cry. just because i didn't cry with them doesn't mean i didn't cry with them at all.

then Maundy Thursday came. and i went for the Mass and i cried at Mass and i was just feeling so tired from all the heartaches, anger and resentment... most of all, the failure that i cannot and did not want to do what Jesus asked of me, to be loving and forgiving.

somehow, in the midst of all that, i didn't notice when peace settled on me. it's this feeling i revel in, in this "peace that the world cannot give". yes, indeed, this nourishes my soul.

and then i knew, that no matter what happens, we will be ok. the noise in my head ceased. the questions that had been bouncing in my mind, all the mindless chatterings and SO MUCH NOISE!!! were all silenced. no more questions, no more doubts.

everything was left unanswered, uncertain. there was still no solution. and yet, i had dropped everything and it didn't matter that there was no solution. as Mr C said, "Left path or right path, God will be with me." words are words when uttered without conviction, even if they are laced with hope and trust in God. but the same words, when uttered with God's peace, brings deep comfort and solace for the wounded hearts.

so i was still left with no words of comfort for the wounded around me. but i felt like i was walking in a bubble of peace and love. the bubble surrounded me with all its goodness, shielding me from what others might throw to burst it, protecting me from the pain that was radiating from others... BUT which had amazingly, also ceased to throb about the same time.

it was all PEACE.

i wasn't expecting good news. and i was still thinking that i might not be able to journey anymore after this. but it was OK.

of course, God can never be outdone in love. He gave me my heart's desires and He gave me the answer i needed to know i can carry on with His blessings and love.

even so, at this point, at the beginning of a new journey, i am filled with fear and trembling. it's never the physical exhaustion of a journey that gets to me. yes, sometimes, i get cranky cos i am tired. but it's not that, that wears me down. it's the emotions. the riding high and falling low... the flying and the grovelling... the nourishment and the abandonment... the pure joy and pure sorrow you feel with your companions' hopes and dreams come true and the next moment, watch those hopes and dreams crash and burn. it's just so DIFFICULT.

yes, to hold on to God is what gets us through. but at times when you're down on all fours or on bended knees screaming for release, it is all you can do to cling on to Him to keep from drowning. forget about nourishment.

but in the face of this fear and trembling that is making me still take baby steps, like someone who's just recovering from a bad fall and learning to walk again, i feel a need to FLY. i am BURNING. i feel like i've come one round and here i am, burning fiercely as i did when i got baptised, 3 years ago.

incidentally, this year's Easter Vigil readings are the same as the year i was baptised... it's gone one cycle.

i need to fuel this flame. at the same time, i hesitate to because i have this feeling that the flame will consume me. it's not like CN. if CN's flames consume me, at most i will feel burnt out. this is too close to me. it's all HEART.

but i want to go on. and God has allowed me to. and God has allowed us to. and i know there's so much more i can give and do. and so much more i can do to just be empty and stand there and let God work His magic through my hands and feet and muscles and tears. i am nothing, He is everything.

if i can just put down how much humble gratitude i feel right now... but i can't. but i am. thank you, thank you, thank you.

so even if the journey might end someday, it won't be this day. that day will not arrive for another journey more. might be a good thing, that i am so aware that it's ending... maybe i can spur myself to give more. but for now, while we are still travelling companions, we soldier on.

so just how much is a journey worth?

our sweat, tears and blood.