One Really Difficult Week-III

this week has been hellish to say the least.

i was gripped by fear. i don't know what happened.

my gfs were great. i mean, it is no secret that i am deeply attached to him. one must be blind to not notice that i love him dearly - sometimes as a father figure, sometimes as a best friend, sometimes as an elder brother, as what Father Beng calls us.

even as i saw him getting better, even as i felt the peace that God literally showered upon me, i had to fight to not run off from work to go to the hospital. even through all the assurance i could possibly get, i couldn't work past myself. i couldn't rise up above that fear. that cold, sharp fear that gripped my heart. Thursday and Friday were so bad. i woke up in fear. and even at that point when the diagnosis wasn't out and they still didn't know what was wrong and he was still unwell, i KNEW that he wasn't going to die or anything. not yet anyway.

but i was just gripped in fear. i'll be fine some moments at work... i mean, life goes on right? and it isn't even that he died. haha. but the next moment, i'd not be breathing. my chest literally hurt, and hurt so badly it feels like it spread cos my shoulders and arms hurt too.

Friday night was breakdown night. after the dinner party at the hospital, we left to go to the gathering we were all late for at one of our journeyer's house. and there, we still had to smile and pretend we didn't know why Mr C wasn't there. i downed a cup of red wine. that calmed me down cos i was just heading for breakdown. i was sobby and it JUST HURT SO MUCH.

WHAT hurt so much? i don't know!!! but i couldn't breathe. literally. i had to make myself catch deep breaths to get some oxygen.

even now, as i am typing this, i am shaking.

i know... the rational part of me analyses this and knows... yes, partly it's because this happened with Mr C. i have had people die on me but honestly, no one close to heart... not since Golden Girl at 15 years old. i watched and held CM's hand as he breathed his last, me counting his pulse even as it was stopping... my grandparents have died but i think i probably didn't feel this way because we weren't that close? so yes, i know i feel this way partly because he is a close and dear friend. but above it all, it is just nonsense in my own mind. but i SIMPLY COULD NOT FIGHT IT.

this whole episode really scared me badly. another part was cos i had already felt something was wrong and Mrs C's words over the phone... gosh, that was surreal. i felt like i was living in my nightmare. so i don't know... maybe that nightmarish quality spilled over... i only know i was badly scared.

and that scared me more because obviously, whatever i had reconciled with God in that chapel... (and i just want to add, this has been a standing issue in my life... so big that my one week's journey with the Sojourners was to pray for the grace to overcome this fear...) ... whatever God had assured me was enough, for me to leave thinking things were healed... well, obviously all of it wasn't enough to undo whatever damage had been caused somewhere else i had not noticed.

why am i so traumatised by Death? i honestly am not afraid to die, as i told God and as God had gently rebuked me about holding on to those who aren't afraid either and who also want to meet Him.

but this week has shed light on some matters that i need to work on within myself. Death, the RCIA journey... amongst others. i am just so tired emotionally. otherwise, things are ok. we managed to hold the fort quite well, i have to add, while Mr C was gone!

OH! AMAZING THINGS HAPPEN TOO.
God is simply marvellous.
even as i was tired, waking up early to settle RCIA matters, sleeping late to settle RCIA matters, rushing to talk to priests and fellow journeyers for opening night... and being caught in that deep fear, i notice things were happening really smoothly. unexpectedly smoothly... and unexpectedly easily... and i was never tired when i had to do the tasks at hand. only tired when i had to stop. and even as i was worn out, when i had something to do, somehow, the energy came to me. i didn't have to dig. IT CAME TO ME. there were many, many little things that happened this week that i know came from God.

wow.

so this was One Really Difficult Week. i think there's going to be a lot more work i need to do for myself, ON myself.