All Out of Time

it's been a while... again...

time has been at its dysfunction again.

two weeks ago seem like yesterday while the future already feels like a faded black and white photograph of yesteryears.

i dreamt in mandarin yesterday and held a full conversation in my dream with a fellow colleague. of course, the me in my dream wasn't me. i was really overhearing the conversation and i wasn't even a physical entity and yet there i was, i was watching myself speaking in fluent mandarin, debating some topic and then i was my colleague, rebutting that same debate. i couldn't wake, try as i did.

lately, i haven't been very able to distinguish reality from my dreams. i find myself at some mundane task and then wondering if i had really done something or merely dreamt it up. sometimes, it really takes a while to determine fact from dream.

then again, does it really matter? is this life really real? i know it is but sometimes, i'm still left bewildered and stunned by my surroundings. my family and friends don't feel real, much less, my daily life.

and when time goes out of sync, it just completely screws everything else up further.

yes indeed-o, it was Christmas last month and Easter Vigil last week. or are we going to celebrate Christmas soon, sometime next month and is it going to be Easter Vigil in a couple of months? i guess so.

at the rate things are happening, i'll wake up tomorrow and find myself reading this old post titled, "All Out of Time" written on a 18 June 2007, a whole year ago.

one of those nights

it's a Thursday night or early Friday morning. i'm sitting here with my iBook, on my bed, typing this post after coming home from RCIA tonight.

i find it difficult, sometimes exceedingly difficult, to be good. i wonder how different my life would be if i don't have to be good. but one can argue that i don't have to be. i'm not bound in chains but i can't get past myself. is it true that Catholics have a lot of guilt? probably. but what about the joy of the resurrection which is what we discussed tonight? what about the resurrection that by right should fill us with a confidence that we're on the right path, the courage to believe that and the conviction to feel joyful always?

i am confused.

one part of me wants to just live the way i want to, to experience different things. but these things are usually deemed wrong or paths better left untravelled.
the other part of me yearns to be good, to deny self and just do what God wants of me.

see then the questions come like this... God wants me to live my life. he understands what i want to do, how i feel and what i need. surely if i stray a little to find out, he'll understand that too? and you see, i fully believe it, just as i fully believe that a person who's not baptised, not with the faith, but is sincerely living life, probably also making many mistakes that go against many Sacraments and church teachings, is also a child of God whom God loves just as much. i'm not even trying to justify it to myself. i KNOW this as surely as i have known all my life, when i already believed in God though i wasn't baptised yet. my whole life aside from the last 3 years.

unfortunately, i am too conscious of what the 'right things' are, what to do and what to avoid... what the church teaches and what is expected of one who wants to follow God. not that i am doing that well at all but i want to try at the very least. so in that sense, i can't ever wander too far to live my life cos possibly, God doesn't need me to do that.

i don't know if i'm making any sense.

am chatting with the Apostle now. he says i'm not making any sense but if there is anyone who will understand 'the other side' of the fence, in choosing to walk one's own path... daring to do it, it's him. how does he do it? or is it because he's a guy? is it because he's more courageous or foolish? but i truly admire his spirit and self-possessed freedom. yes, i know some will argue, are you sure he's happy? is it true happiness? you know what? if you're happy, you're happy. whether it's true happiness or not, if you're not upset, you're happy.

and then i'm chatting with Rays online, who's always chirpy and happy and i just wonder what it is about Protestants that give them that unshaken confidence and joy. they're doing things to give glory to God too... how come they don't have crosses? i don't get it.

and i think i am just tired. i don't even know why i'm talking to them. at this point, it seems like if i follow my will, (and i still fully believe God understands and will forgive and will continue to love me), i bid the Church goodbye. but it can't be this way.

maybe Mr Purple Face is busy at work with me again. sigh.

and despite knowing how much God loves me, why am i unsure if i believe it? does one negate the other?

you see, i love God. but choosing to follow God means i got to deny self. to a large extent... and i'm not even talking about entering the convent. and that's the way it should be but i want to live my way.

argh.... ok, i am going to stop writing. STOP WRITING. NOW.