i had an Epiphany!

lately, for the last few months, strange occurences have been happening to me. weird coincidences, precise to the point of being unreal and premonitions that turn my insides out have come at me from every which way i look, not look, turn or remain stationary.

initially, it was fun and exciting. i was thrilled. i love these little 'acts of God'. and i tried hard to derive meaning out of these seemingly coincidental events. but i didn't succeed. at best, i can figure out what i think my subconscious already knows and is trying to make me aware of... or what i need to be more conscious of to make some decision or other.

after too many times, and i'm talking a few times a week, i couldn't take it anymore. these things are so strange that i get goosebumps each time something happens. and they always happen with impeccable timing and uncanny similarities.

Freaky is the word that comes to mind.

soon after, i gave up trying to decipher hidden meanings cos each time, i just feel waves of tingling sensations rolling within me, rocking me upside down from within. i would find myself grinning and thinking, "You've done it again! i don't know why but ok, enough is enough..." i wasn't thrilled anymore. just a little shaken. not in a bad way though i couldn't stop wondering what i'm supposed to pick up from these happenings.

yesterday, my dear, dear friend sort of confirmed that he would be going away. i felt so sad, and heartbroken thinking of how God is going to, once again, rob me of another person i have learnt to care deeply for. it always happens this way. when i decide to hold someone as my friend, to really care, that person leaves. well. but i have no doubt God is here, though He's making me afraid to even continue to love the rest of my dearies around me.

i was chatting with ruby-doo and strangely enough, the pain was searing but i was calm. this is what i miss about my faith - the peace that the world cannot give. God is there and comforting me. even as i felt sad, he was holding me. i could feel Him.

i started telling ruby-doo about the day's reflection and what it meant to this friend. just as i began to go into details, my friend smsed me, talking about the same reflection.

this is just one small coincidence but when the sms came in, i cried cos i have had enough of this. why give me all these little cryptic coincidences that seem to hold secrets that i am convinced will help me but which are totally meaningless and useless!?

but as i was crying, i was laughing too.
it was not a humoured laugh but one laced with bitterness and cynicsm. enough is enough, i thought. enough of your lousy ironies.

so i said to ruby-doo, "God really has a sense of humour."
i said it just like that, too tired to know what i am feeling or thinking, much less to express any of it.

and in that one line typed out over yahoo messenger, lay a surge of energy that just sprung out and hit me blind in my head.

God has a sense of humour..... yes, i was basically narrow-eyeing God for all his irony and yet forgetting His presence. God HAS a sense of humour!!! He's the one exacting his, well, under-appreciated humour in all these situations!

whatever they mean, or not... God's hand is right there! maybe He's teasing me or making fun of my seriousness or simply poking me or making His presence felt and known.

who has the power to wind different situations into one? who alone has the ability to find loose threads to bind unique scenarios together? to fold time and space to make two separate events meet at one time and place? who can manipulate Life, to rearrange frames of life or shift time around so everything falls into place, or even into seeming disarray but which you have an inkling is not really that?

Who can be humourous this way and make His humour known this way?

so i thank you God for being there in every moment of my life. you made fun of me and you made me cry and laugh. but yes, you are funny. thank you for making fun of me then.

and if you are there, and i am finally able to acknowledge that with a fusion of mind and heart, what else should i be afraid of? yes, i know i will forget again. but if you are here, you will remind me, i know. and while i remember and know you are with me, what can be against me? nothing that doesn't come from you. and if they come from you, i know i can handle it.

:D

20072007

it's a Friday and my blogger is finally working here at work.

i am feeling quite sleepy but i suppose that's my own fault, staying up late last night chatting away with my friend.

lately, life has been traumatic, to put it mildly. haha. as i said to several people, it feels like Lent. Mr C said to me what we're going through is a spillover from last Lent.

"I thought we already paid our debts for last Lent," i replied.

this makes me wonder if we are in some way, being superstitious. but i don't think so cos it isn't like that.

well, what does little old me know?

God surely has His reasons for demanding so much out of us at this period. God surely knows why friendships that aren't meant to last, are built.
God surely knows why friendships that mean so much, should end or break.

i have a new discovery - nothing lasts forever. like, duh!!!

so why should i expect or hope otherwise of treasured relationships?

hmmm... i am not bitter or resentful. in fact, i don't feel very much right now. i mean, i don't feel much unhappiness. only sleepiness. :P

but i have to admit that recently, for like the last few months, the overriding emotion in me is one of intense pain. pain of separation in more ways than one. sometimes, i feel like i'm going to get a heart attack because it feels like my muscles are aching inside - pounding away or stabbing away.

it's all hormonal. :P

so somebody sent me an SMS to say it's only going to happen once, this day won't pass by again - 20072007. well yes, i suppose so. what's the big deal? why would i want this day to pass by again when i'm going to get 20082008, 20092009 or 20102010 and ... you get the idea.

half an hour more to freedom!!!! i did so much work today it's incredible. and i am stoned now cos i am deliberately staying off coffee since i already had 2 cups and i know i will have more later.

damn.

Soul Friends

Farewells are always sorrowful events for me. While they are so much filled with quiet and unspoken affections, gestures of goodwill and well-wishes, or love or a pain of separation given voice and expression, there is, most times, an urgent desperation that needs soothing but which lacks sufficient attention paid to it.

.....

Some friends you make, you keep for life. They are usually the ones whom I never think I have room in my life for but who imperceptibly creep into my heart through the little things they do, which really amount to too much when you think about it. Somehow, they are the ones whom you first notice without noticing – that presence that’s always there but separated by an invisible wall of age, life experiences or social standing from you. Well and good, I would say, well and good.

And you don’t even really know what happens but one day after you become friends, you are floored by the realisation that they are really gems, untainted and unspoiled even though they are on the other side of that pretentious wall that you thought kept you a safe distance away.

Suddenly, you know why that wall is there. It’s not God who placed it there. Why would God keep such a treasure to behold away from his own child?

I wonder why it took me so long to finally see the vision that exploded into my life. The obstacle wounded around us demolished, the distance that kept us at bay crossed – all at once that spans the magic of time in this moment and that stretches right through to the end. And I have a friend.

And the wall finally completely crumbles and like an awkward child caught in the act of spying or snooping around, I find myself exposed raw to a new friend.

.....

Each and every journey in life, made individually or at the same time, is always different even if they are similar in taste and texture. Even if you’re a seasoned traveller and partake in many adventures with the familiar group of companions, you sometimes find yourself accidentally falling across a threshold with one or two that leaves you dazed and delirious all at once.

You will know it when you find a soul friend.