Strength, I Need.

it's Thursday again... RCIA day...

it's been the day i look forward to most for the last 4 1/2 years...

amazing how time flies.

Bird Foo has left us. the other night, i couldn't sleep wondering if he'll be ok. every active sponsor we have are like comrades we soldier on with, shoulder to shoulder, defending our catechumens from strong winds, protecting them from what might be hurled their way or simply trying to be the wall to knock down all other obstacles.

and each time an active sponsor leaves, i feel like a comrade has left. and with that departure, a part of me actually leaves as well.

i was so looking forward to RCIA tonight and now that it's almost time to go, all i feel is the same dread that i feel every week, in the pit of my stomach, making me feel like i can't breathe.

it probably used to be excitement. these days, it's excitement mixed with a lot of trepidation.

tonight, i will be setting up the rooms by myself. jojo is in KL. honestly, i am tired. physically tired. i notice that nowadays, i feel like crying every Thursday. but it's only physical exhaustion, nothing else.

come to think of it, i've been doing this for years.

where are the men?

i'm not complaining really. cos when i first found out Bird left, and i was setting up 03-02 for BOW last Sunday, i had mixed feelings. sifting out the physical tiredness, i know this is really a good exercise in humility. going back to basics.

so i thank the Lord for He knows i have more energy unused. i just wish i can dig deeper for strength and to remember to draw and replenish that pool of strength from God.

Angela asked me last night where i get my energy from. my reply was that i had been digging into my reserves for the last few years. and i know that's partly true. but there was a message in there for me as well - a message from God. i know that on my own strength, i would've collapsed a few journeys ago. but i keep going and we keep going. and when we can't go on, someone else falters first and somehow we manage to keep going together until that person recovers.

so i know God is with me. i know i needn't be afraid. my strength may run out, if it hasn't already but God's strength will never run out.

i just hate it when i face this kind of resistance and fear. it's not a fear that's real but it's one that i'm increasingly familiar with and that scares me.

the journey has been so difficult since last year. these days, i tread carefully because i know something else might explode when we least expect it. but i know the catechumens are protected. they always are. but are we strong enough to withstand another shock?

God, please give us your strength and help us to remember for what we are making these withdrawals of strength. not for ourselves, but for your people whom you have called. so i thank you for giving me this task and please i beg you to help me continue to draw what i need from you because we are only halfway through the journey and i know i am feeling like each step is getting heavier.

do not let me be afraid enough that i forget to turn to you.
and let me do your work with a cheerful heart for you love a cheerful giver.

thank you Lord.