it's just past 5pm and i'm finally settling down a little with my cup of coffee. the last few days have been crazy at CN and the last few weeks have been crazy with RCIA.

after lunch today, as ruby-doo was driving me back to the office, it suddenly hit me, with such force like a brick being dropped from the top of a skyscraper downwards to be caught by me, lying down on the floor, faceup - that Holy Saturday is THIS Saturday.

of cos, i knew that.

but of cos, it hadn't fully hit me yet. the brick was still on its way down.

well, today, it connected. smashed.
my face, not the brick.

at work, my boss is away in China so we had to source for foreign news besides managing our own articles. well, it ain't no fun with a computer as crap as this. every page you turn to takes a minute to load, and just when you think you've got it - you can just catch the first glimpse of the page you want to turn to, the damn thing hangs and dies!

yes, take it easy...
i do. i've learnt to.
but after a few hangups within one hour, you will explode just as i do.
today is printing day so it's on its way out, after clicking back and forth on various news agencies and downloading hires photos and transferring them to thumb drives and all. and we all know how long that can take on a snail apple like mine.

this has been great fun but enough already.

i need to focus on Easter Vigil. as usual, no matter how early we start planning and working, the work will still be halted by some cockups at some point or other, in this case, i think it's FKOS (Killer of Spirit).

but we will persevere. and as i told Mr C, we shouldn't let him bother us because we know why we do the things we do, and we are well aware of the spirit behind what we do, the spirit that we work in... if we pander to his childish and immature insecurities, then all we will be doing is to vie for his approval... which we don't need. why do we need to be in priests' good books?

that puzzles me. why do some people like to suck up to priests? i mean, i don't blame the priests... but i question the integrity of these people concerned. especially when they aren't like that in the first place. or maybe they are but just never displayed these traits before.

anyways, i don't know if it's my job that helped me open my eyes to see that a lot of people are more human than we imagine them to be - with the same prejudices, biases, failings and weaknesses that you and i have, which is excellent and to be celebrated! only it's a pity because they possibly think they are higher and mightier than you and i.

but this is not what it is about. i guess i'm venting.

Easter Vigil is 5 days away! we had our first actual rehearsal yesterday and i was so exhausted by it... i forget how tiring it can be every year... but it feels so great.

God is good, isn't he? despite my straying, He still gives me the strength i need. but i'm begging him not to let my personal failures reflect upon the journey. Please continue to watch over us all.

of vaginas, old offices and blue caps...

THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES

... isn't all about a woman's sexual freedom. if anything, i felt that would be a very singular and extremely misleading take from it. for those who only see the 'sex' in the Vagina Monologues, you're missing out on a great deal.

the play celebrates womanhood through rites of passages like menstruation, childbirth, sexual experiences, how the woman's body acts and reacts, women's choices... my favourite segment is "My Short Skirt" that is not an invitation, but a defiance of things we are told we should be afraid of. our vaginas aren't to be ashamed of, or to be kept away in some unspeakable, unmentionable corner, like what a lot of Asian women are taught.

anyways. i enjoyed very much the NAFA rendition of the play written by Eve Ensler, though it also glaringly lacks the local perspective.


NEXUS-SCOOP

so after the show, August and i were walking down Bencooleen Street, past the building where Nexus-Scoop used to be, my very first real job where i made some really good friends, where we used to slog late every night and early into the morning, where coffee had no effects on my body anymore, where i picked up smoking, where XJ and Echo and Vick and Caro and i were buddies, where we banged doors and shouted and then cried in frustration and exhaustion. where we frequented Walaz twice a week and girls' parties once a month and then show up for work equally zombified. where we all wore men's shirts one time with collars pulled up, to mock this girl's perpetual uniform to work, where Blue Caps used to wait 3 hours for me to get off work, where i spent day-into-night after day-into-night chain smoking in the stairway after we broke up.


BLUE CAPS

earlier yesterday August and i had also passed Albert Court Hotel on our way to NAFA and he remembered i had mentioned i had stayed there before. Blue Caps' birthday one year where i made him this booklet of Arsenal's incredible journey that season. i think he liked it a lot. and that kind of made up for the many hours he waited for me to get off work that day/night. and then i told August how much i loved Merchant Court Hotel more, with its little balcony with one small table and two chairs for you to smoke and drink on, overlooking Clarke Quay with all its dazzling lights and buzzing life, and the dark, brooding Singapore River running right beneath you.

so when we passed my old office, i was sort of reminded with little nostalgia but just quite amusedly, of that period of my life several years ago. looking back, it seems i was so young though i didn't feel i was that young then. i was nothing more than a young lady, a little girl, who just stepped out into the 'working world', earning enough cash for the first time in my life to enjoy the little luxuries of life, in love with my boyfriend and who was essentially living the life everyone else is living but finding it rewarding and just Absolutely Great all the same.

and then, Blue Caps passed right in front of me, some short distance away. he was wearing a denim blue jacket and blue jeans, holding on to this petite girl, his girlfriend, i hope! they were walking a little hurriedly towards the traffic light to cross to where my old office building was.

"hey! that's my ex!" i told August. he was more excited than i was and asked if i wanted to say hi.

strangely, i didn't. well, a part of me wanted to call out to Blue Caps and just say hello. more than anything, i wanted to see that look of discomfort of surprise on his face. *giggle*

but i didn't.

cos i supposed it doesn't matter whether we say hi or not. our paths have crossed many times in our lives before and last night was merely another one in the flesh. and though our paths have crossed so many times, there have been very few times when we are on the same page or travelling the same journey. so maybe it's nice to leave it this way.

if you're reading this, then may our paths continue to cross and we'll stop to say hello at those times when it feels right. but for now, i hope that's your girlfriend you were hurrying by with!