listen to your devil sometimes...

... it helps you to discern what God is saying.

or maybe that's just me.

there are times when i'm angry or upset, or pretty much hurt, that i find myself at a loss because prayers don't bring comfort or relief.

so then i have to calm myself down to think rationally and examine my options. i still want to do God's will but in situations like these, i am incapable of seeing what that will is.

and so begins Crazy Conversation.

*knock knock* God?

.............. (probably = you again....)

what should i do? should i do 'A' or 'B'?

what do you feel?

i want to do 'A' and yet, i feel that maybe 'B' is the right option.

why do you feel that? (at this point, if i am unable to answer, Crazy Conversation will become futile after a while. this is when i have to break it or 'come out' of it because if i don't, the answers or responses i get are pretty much self-manufactured rather than the 'voice of God', my 'conscience', my 'instinct' or whatever other names there are.)

forget it! goodbye. thanks for listening though. (Crazy Conversation ends.)

i don't consciously turn to the Devil. i don't go to it for advice. i'm not that insane yet. but as i weigh the alternatives in my mind and i consider my motivations for each alternative, there is one voice that rings out louder.

and it's usually not God's. cos God seldom, if ever, i think, tries to shout out instructions. usually, his is a soft prompting that beckons us toward it but which, if we ignore, just fades with our choice.

so there'll be one part of me that wants to do 'A' cos it's the so-called "bigger" thing to do. it's harder (another indication that it's right but in that state of blindness, both options seem equally tough) and it's what the other person will prefer (ANOTHER indication but again, cannot be seen in a situation of blindness). because these reasons are masked, i am unable to see that it's the right or better choice in that situation.

why 'B' then? because "you have a RIGHT to do this...", "you SHOULD", "you deserve MORE...".

hang on a minute..... *suspicion aroused*

God doesn't do that! he doesn't ask me to select my weapons to go chasing after what i "DESERVE". he doesn't tell me i have a "RIGHT" to something other than what he gives.

it is at this juncture i feel victory. actual, sweet, even proud victory. i recognise that voice and i recognise those methods.

BE GONE!

and i am free.

missing 10-stick packs

CHECK OUT YOUR ENVIRONMENT BEFORE YOU SMOKE FROM JULY ONWARDS!

there are places where smoking will be banned.
starting from coffee-shops. and hawker centres will have an allocated 10% space where you are allowed to smoke. eventually, pubs and bars also will end up with a no-smoking policy.

this reminds me of the time the small packs (compact little boxes with 10 sticks a pack) were no longer sold. THEY say, "we want to discourage young people from smoking by making the small packs no longer available. the big packs are more worthwhile as well."

i should tell my boss, "i want to discourage the company from spending on additional costs like reimbursements for transport so i shall no longer cover events or go for interviews."

BULL.SHIT.

do THEY seriously think people who used to smoke from a 10-stick pack will be likely to stop smoking altogether than to start smoking from 20-stick packs? it's like saying a person who drinks a 330ml can of beer a day will not turn to a one-pint when there are no more 330ml cans available.

and is it really more worthwhile?

cigarettes start tasting 'airy', vacuous, after 2-3 days, once a pack is opened. for me, i can sometimes tolerate 5-days old cigarettes. that's the MAX i can compromise on. unless you seal it in an air-tight container to prevent it from turning 'soft', going 'lao-hong'. which means you carry a snug tupperware with you everywhere you go with cigarettes. damn cool, i tell you.

i know this person who used to smoke only fresh cigarettes, meaning one-day old cigarettes... meaning he finishes his pack on the same day.

so, NO. THEY ARE *NOT* MORE WORTHWHILE.

because it takes the same amount of time to ruin or spoil a 20-pack as a 10-pack.

what happens?

we smoke MORE. so we can finish the entire damn pack before it spoils. or it will be like, discarding double, or triple of what we used to pay into the drain.

i used to smoke 10 sticks in 2-4 days. depending on how disciplined or how well i ration.

when they did away with the small packs, i started smoking 20 sticks in 2-4 days. that's DOUBLE.

of course, these days i smoke a lot less... but because i convince myself it's ok to trash half-smoked cigarettes rather than burning my lungs out. and i convince myself 10-days old cigarettes still taste ok if i keep it in an airtight container.

so YES, i am resentful of THEM limiting the places for us to indulge when THEY are the ones who fed the addiction in the first place.

cannot imagine drinking without smoking. *shudder*

i had considered chewing gum to replace smoking. but we know how that goes...

time is relative

time has stopped for me before.

really.

once, i was in a cab, already late and made later by getting stuck in heavy traffic. i was headed for a meeting i wanted to go for, which only excerbated my anxiety, knowing i am separated from it by what seemed like eternity.

i looked down at my watch. then i looked up at the cars in front of my cab. then i looked ahead at the red traffic light. (ever wonder how they have a way of turning red just as you are approaching them, but only when you are in a rush to get somewhere?)

(aside: over the weekend, i made a discovery. Murphy is Satan.)

so then, i said a little prayer. i knew the cars can't miraculously disappear though for the record, i'll just like to state that if God wills it so, they can. except that God will probably never will it so, so they can't. i knew also the traffic lights won't change and remain at green for me.

so i asked for patience and to just... let go... *breathes out*. let go of my anxiety and my urgent need to get to my destination. then i sat back to look out the window and watch the pitter patter of drizzling that had added to the heavy traffic.

an eternity passed. or so it seemed.

when next i looked at the watch, i was convinced that a good 20-minutes have passed. resignation had long replaced anxiety. since i was soooo late anyway, i should just accept it.

LO AND BEHOLD! (haha) practically only a few minutes, less than five, have passed by. amazing, isn't it?

:) God loves me... i've been told. and He stopped time for me. twice. i can't remember the other incident now.

Bye Bye Uncle

echo's dad passed away.

the funeral is today and i guess it is after the funeral and when things settle back down, that they'll have to come face to face with the empty space where he used to sit, the loss where previously his existence was.

we are growing up... i used to only hear about people attending wakes and it's never someone we know or even someone within our family.

i remember, several years ago, when chinny's grandad passed on, that it occured to me it is our turn to deal with these losses. and as the years go by, the wakes we attend are those who inch closer and closer to our hearts.

well, there's no escaping it, i guess. we won't suddenly wake up, as when we were young, and be able to still our racing hearts when we realise our parents are still around and it was just a bad dream.

there's really little we can do but to wave our goodbyes, kiss them a last farewell as they make their crossing and acknowledge that little voice in our hearts that want to speak out and say to them, "Take care. Godspeed. We'll see you soon."

May you be with God.
Rest in peace, uncle...
We'll see you soon!

We are our Brother's and Sister's keepers

potato told me, we are our Brother's and Sister's keepers.

i love that statement. Yes, We ARE. it is our sacred duty to take care of the people around us, to shelter each other from mindless insensitivities that occur around us, to be the haven we to turn to when we are broken and fearful, to love and to nurture one another so we can grow to be the people God wants us to be.

We are our Brother's and Sister's keepers. Let us uphold this duty. Let us start in the smallest of ways with one another in our everyday life.

Love one another... as I have loved you.

What's the point of having a religion when it causes more division between people? Mummy's Girl said to me once.

But it's not true, I told her.

Of course it is! she retorted. I saw a thought bubble pushing its way out of the side of her head and it said, Just look at your situation...

I paused... she's probably right in more ways than I want to admit. If two people believing in the same God can't even unite, how can two people who don't even share a God?

What is the point of a religion?

I spent probably about 20 years believing religions are worthless in as much as I was believing in God. Yup, faith does not equal religion. Never have, probably never will. They aren't mutually exclusive but they can be, for some.

So what is the point?

Religion, for me, brings me closer to God. It is the channel for me to get in touch with what already lies within me - my faith. Religion helps me to deepen my faith. Religion lends me a concrete way to express my faith.

But I pity the day Religion becomes more important than my Faith.

Jesus left us one message, a poignantly clear one - "Love one another, as I have loved you."

If we can't even do that, and we can't even begin to comprehend the depth of it, then we can't even start to manifest it in our lives...

Then what's the point of discussing religion? Why can't we just dicuss what's closer in our hearts? Our faith... a faith that teaches us to love?

Boys to Men - III

potato had left... and a part of me really died.

for some strange reason, a year later, Blue Cap was to return. and out of the blue too! pun not intended. we had not kept in touch for two years... and suddenly, he contacted me and asked me out. i didn't want to for some time, because i was too busy nursing my broken heart.

but one day, i felt good and thought, why not? so i said ok though i didn't have any real interest in him. but we laughed a lot and the thought that struck me was, i had found a soul friend.

things happened on that first night... i felt incredibly comfortable with him and it seemed only natural when we got together.

but i couldn't get over potato.

i guess there wasn't much i could do because potato was in the states and would remain there for 6 years.

so Blue Cap became my partner and i loved him deeply.

potato returned one year and there was tingling in the air. actually, a lot more than just tingling. but i was with Blue Cap. i did the right thing. big deal.

3 years after, things fell apart between Blue Cap and i. we went our separate ways. hurt like hell but i survived. maybe cos a part of me had died when potato left, nothing could ever hurt me the same way again.

[RECAP - i am much older than when in Boys to Men - I, had fallen in love with potato, didn't work out, loved Blue Cap, didn't work out... and am totally disillusioned for a while because i cannot grasp how honestly loving someone can inflict so much pain on myself... and am confused too but in a good way because i want to make a big effort to take my time to heal.]

about 2 years passed. potato returned. we had become friends by then.

it was a looooooong process. remember... we were strangers ->acquaintances ->friends ->couple ->enemies (yup) ->awkward friends ->friends.

we hung out and guess what???

i am with potato now again. my dark knight. he will hate it that i call him that. =)

am i any wiser? i guess not! because i see a frightening pattern here.

but i am with the only man i have ever known, potato. and i am friends with Blue Cap, who calls me when his heart gets broken, the ass, but he's still my soul friend and i ran into Mr Animal Rights recently.

does it matter? i guess not. will there be a "happily ever after"? i don't know. am i stronger? somewhat... will i survive? no freaking idea. am i afraid? FUCKING TERRIFIED.

but life is amazing. and thank you for reading these, if you are. no idea what possessed me to write these entries. but just did. sat here and wrote, and wrote, and i realized it would be much longer than i thought.

and now, i have a lump in my throat that hurts... a bittersweet heaviness in my heart as only the best and most terrible memories can bring, as how only the most devastating and heartbreaking memories can also be the loveliest and most cherished ones that you will never exchange with anything more or less than what they are.

Boys to Men - II

let's see how i can explain this.

during those days of taking the same bus home as Mr Animal Rights, there arrived another boy. i called him Blue Cap then. because he wore a blue cap every morning on the bus ride to school.

so this was how it worked. i took this bus with Blue Cap to school at 6 in the morning and the same bus home with Mr Animal Rights in the afternoon. both of them were in the same school. Blue Cap and i are of the same age while Mr Animal Rights is one year older. so there was one year when Mr Animal Rights went to junior college and i only had Blue Cap for company.

he was so adorable. he slept in the bus every morning. i watched him for 2 years. yes, Stalker Me. that side of me has just been suppressed, not eradicated. be careful.

i usually never get a seat. but he does because he gets on much earlier than me. but there was one time this person sitting next to him got off the bus and i was standing right there. he looked up at me with sleep in his eyes, moved to allow me to sit and i was paralysed.

"SIT DOWN!!!!!" i screamed in my head but i didn't dare to. opportunity doesn't hang around for long, especially not in over-crowded buses in wee hours of the morning. someone else shuffled over and sat in my precious seat.

so yup, i watched him for two years. sometimes, i got irritated with this other boy who noticed me watching Blue Cap. of course, that turns out to be his younger brother, as i learnt much later.

Blue Cap was a really sweet boy. when everyone was fighting to get off the bus, he would gallantly step aside to let someone else get off before him. we exchanged eye contact several times and i never forget those eyes.

time passed. i got to know him. but he had a girlfriend.

we graduated from school. he went to a different junior college. for me, i had a choice of going to either. life is full of tough choices! haha. i chose to go where Mr Animal Rights was. and so, i gradually lost touch with Blue Cap, also cos i lost interest in him.

here's where things get slightly more complicated.

[RECAP - i am in the same junior college as Mr Animal Rights and Blue Cap is practically non-existent in my life at this point. Enters a third person, let's call him... potato, for now]

potato and i shared a few classes. he wore half-damaged trainers and carried a simple backpack. he was simple, humble and always had this somewhat awkward look. nice smile, unnerving way of looking at people. the word "enigmatic" comes to mind.

i had such a huge crush on him! we studied in the library for our 'A's and we watched each other sometimes. i think i used to glare at him to prove to myself that i wasn't afraid of him. he thought i hated him.

prom night. one hotel, two junior colleges. both potato and Blue Cap were there. GOSH. Blue Cap came in a smart, white suit. potato wore a blue shirt with black pants. i bade my farewells silently in my heart. my final glance at the hall when we left prom was at potato sitting by himself.

couldn't stop thinking about him, especially when we ran into each other at Zouk quite regularly in those days.

finally bared my heart to my friends. those were the days of IRC. my friend, without telling me, went on the public line for our junior college students and announced for potato to show himself.

he did.

though he had only just went on the IRC line for the first time.

we started chatting. we became friends. we acknowledged each other's presence. we talked. we went out.

eventually, we got together.

i don't recall another period of my life when i was both floatingly light and happy, but where every breath brought an ache to my heart because i couldn't believe how happy i was.

i loved every moment of my life then. i was in love. really in love. he was so strong and surreal.

then he left for studies. and he left me.

doesn't end here though. things get a little bit more complicated and i'm starting to see a recurring pattern in my life!!!

Boys to Men - I

the youngest boy i ever fell in love with was 5 years old. don't remember much of him. i was 5 too.

but we acted together in a school play on "Genesis". i was a moon and he was some animal. then we sang "auld lang syne" to mark the last day of kindergarten and i never saw him again. i still remember his full name though. maybe i should hunt him down.

then there was probably, the first boy i seriously fell for. he was my martial arts companion and we used to race with each other each time we met. we chased each other down lanes, round the basketball court, around a community centre building. we fought, we teased each other, we got on each other's nerves constantly and laughed it off together.

i thought he was "THE ONE".

everything surrounding us felt like Destiny arranged it to be so. after spending one year together, i met him at a bus-stop, and it was only then i realised we studied so near each other. his school had just shifted location. so we started taking the same bus home.

of course, silly thoughts would never have entered my mind except that it again seemed like Destiny when i had to move house, felt all sad that i wouldn't see him anymore, only to find out that i was moving into the same estate that he was, and out of 18 or more blocks, ended up moving into the same one as him, one floor above his apartment, with our parking lots allocated side by side!

life's a joke.

so guess what! we went to the same junior college.

but that wasn't Destiny anymore. it was all my handiwork. i did pretty well for my 'O's but i enrolled myself into what was then, a degenerated school because i knew he was there!

so we continued taking the bus home together... those were young, foolish days. he tutored me in math, i watched the soccer games he played in, we celebrated his 18th birthday at a mexican restaurant, went to the beach after, and...

we raced! haha. we had both left the martial arts class for years and yet, it just seemed so natural that we race. again.

but it was all... nothing. i did love him. he was my friend.

the country called for his service then and we practically lost touch. and then he moved from the estate and i was heartbroken.

we never kept in touch but i knew, in my heart, that i will always see him again.

and i did. somehow or other, we always ran into each other.

then one day, Destiny happened again.

i had enrolled myself into some cross-faculty course that i was basically forced to take. the class started at 8am! can you imagine? i lived in the north, university was in the west! so i was late for my first day of class and i asked my classmate to go ahead into the lecture theatre as i would be late. he reserved a seat for me but when i stepped into the hall, it was a 100-plus seater.

no idea where my classmate was. so i just sneaked into an empty seat. started daydreaming. looked at the guy sitting in front of me. he was wearing a faded-brownish hawaiian tee. wondered when the lecture would end. looked at the guy again.

hey...

it's HIM!!! how did that even happen?

so we met once again. and we had breakfast... a few breakfasts...

he is an amazing person. when we were young, he wanted to be a vet. but his school did not offer Biology. so when we went to junior college, he took the subject at 'A' levels, with no prior background. and he moved on with it in university. today, if i am correct, he is part of an animal-rights organisation, right here, in our country although they do travel.

and yes, i ran into him again, just recently.

hats off to you, mister. you the man!