Called by Name

i had an obsession with the name 'Sarah' since i was 15. that's because a good friend, Sarah, or the 'Golden Girl' as i called her, passed away then. i never wanted to forget her. and so i held on to everything that she owned, including her name.

'Sarah' is Hebrew for 'princess', a Biblical name from the Old Testament. those were days when i had never considered ever getting baptised though i did want to be a Christian or already was, in my beliefs. but i always thought that i would want to call myself Sarah... or rather, Sera, just so i would feel closer to her.

Sera is short for Seraphina, the angel of love. also Biblical... or maybe from apocalyptic writings. is it apocalyptic...? i forget what texts that are not canonically recognised are called.

in any case, when i eventually started RCIA and it occured to me that i had a chance to choose a name, if i wanted, i assumed i would choose 'Sera'. i didn't even give it much thought... firstly, because it was just a name... and it wasn't even as if i didn't already have a name... and secondly, because i was just so sure it would be 'Sera' i didn't have to consider other alternatives.

some of my friends thought it would be that too.

yet for some strange reason, when i was to submit a name for my certificate, i didn't offer 'Sera'. instead, i stuck to my name.

two questions come to mind now. i'm not sure if it came to my mind then but my thoughts were along similar lines as these questions now:
Will you die for the one you love? (i would, if i don't prove to be a coward when it comes down to that)
Will you live for the one you love?

That is much harder, i feel. imagine you have to watch a loved one die and you're wishing you can die with him since you imagine yourself to be dead without that person by your side anyway... and he turns to you and asks you for the one thing that is probably the biggest request he can make... that you continue to live well and be happy. can you make that promise, knowing that you will be mourning and grieving and missing him for the rest of your life? can you promise to be happy when you are not confident you will ever be again?

and because you love him so much, you promise him: "Yes, i will be happy for you. i will LIVE."

thoughts like that were on my mind as i decided to promise to follow God. i doubt i will have problems feeling sad and being downcast in life because i tend to swing towards negativity and depressive thoughts. it's not difficult to dwell on problems and difficulties.

but could i be happy for Him? after all He's done for me and after this gift of faith and life He's given me, can i be Happy for Him?

i don't know. i'm not confident that i can. but i want to try and i want to commit to that. and so, i stuck with my name. and i'm glad i did. because 'Sera' isn't me. my name is. and it's been my name all along. i read a story before that God has already called us by name before we agree to be with Him. He has already written our names. it's a nice story... fiction probably, to think that He has literally given us a name.

but i understood then as i understand now... what it means to be called by name. because my name is my inspiration... and it only means this much to me, as others' names have that same effect on them... to this day, whenever i am down or feel sad, i try to recall why i settled on this name and it helps. because God doesn't want me to be sad... He wants me to be joyful!

if only i remember it more often!