Death and Tarot Cards

two nights ago, i dreamt my brother died. and i was filled with a deep sadness. i only wept a little but i felt the loss deep in my heart.

last night, i dreamt my grandfather died. and i remember thinking, didn't he just die recently? in any case, i was hysterical in my dream. i was sobbing uncontrollably and i just couldn't get a grip on myself.

this morning, i woke up and concluded, something's definitely changing... change is in the air... things are moving... you get the idea.

i used to dabble in the occult. *gasp* that almost sounds 'cool'. no, i'm kidding. i never did unless you consider playing with tarot cards dabbling in the occult.

but i was highly fascinated with everything occultish. in fact, 'empath' is wiccan (think witches... not the black-dressed, black-hatted, riding on broomstick with long, twisted nose kind. think... CHARMED. *giggles* those who use magical energies to do good! *aahhhh.....*)

i got a pack of lovely illustrated Tarot cards when i was 15. it seems a lot happened that year. a lot sure did. just note future blog entries that delves into the past. you'll see a lot of changes happened to me that year.

i loved my Tarot deck. i used to play with them just to improve on the way i read the cards. also because the deck is so fresh and feels so smooth to the touch. just to clear up any stereotyped misunderstandings, Tarot cards do not "tell the future". they merely reflect what you are thinking or feeling that may possibly be hidden beneath your consciousness.

that is, when you ask a question and you turn to your deck to 'answer' those questions, the cards don't predict the future. rather, YOU are the ones to choose the cards, all the while, with the question on your mind. it is your subconscious that leads you to pick the cards you choose. you are really tapping into your subconsciousness to bring to light what you ALREADY know or feel but are unable to confront or accept. the next step to so-called 'divination' lies in reading the cards right.

imagine, you are troubled by a failing relationship and you want to find out if you will pull through with your loved one. you start reading.

an example:
What am i really troubled by? (picked card "Death")
How should i go about resolving this problem? (picked card "Temperance")

significance:
Death symbolises the end of something, a change.
Temperance talks about self-control.

what does it mean?
i am troubled by a change in the relationship, possibly of something ending and i am not prepared for such changes or endings. death is seldom, if ever, about a physical death. most likely, it speaks of separation.
and what i should do to resolve my troubles is to adopt a spirit of temperance... keep myself in check, and take steps to just move forward without losing a grip on myself.

THERE! to tell the truth, i was never very good with the Tarot cards. possibly because i could never keep my emotions in check. so i always ended up getting conflicting results.

but i remember that sensation of running my fingers through the deck of faced down cards. there is a tingling at the tip of my fingers and when it's 'unbearable', i pick the card. believe it or not, sometimes, i spy one card that i want to pick out but when i reach for it, i pick a different one. it's not magic. it's not the devil. it's just the power of the mind.

and it was fun while it lasted. i still have that deck. haven't touched it since 2004.

so... Death. yes... Change is in the air. it's obvious! and i don't need a Freudian type or a Tarot card to tell me that. something's moving along... not necessarily a bad thing. i hope and i'm quite determined to ensure, that what's dying are all the negativity within me.

i'm laying to rest my Anxieties.
Rest in peace then, you Cursed Worries and Damn Insecurities!