Golden Girl - II

one night, many months later, i was on the computer, possibly on ICQ, chatting away and the television was turned on. those were the days when they still played MTVs on Channel 5. and "Casper the Friendly Ghost" was a recent release.

the song, "Remember Me This Way" came on. i remember vividly. i was alone in the living room, typing away... when i heard the song, i started to sing along and then suddenly, i started sobbing so heavily. big, fat tears were just rolling down my face.

i stumbled out on the balcony. stumbled because my vision was blurred and there were so many tears. i looked up at the night sky and as far as i remember, it was the first time i didn't believe in God at all. i didn't 'have' a religion but all my life, i had believed in God. it was only a matter of finding out who He is.

but that night, i lost faith. and that was frightening for me then. i felt so alone and i had never felt so frightened. it was as if, life didn't matter. why should it if there was no God?

i remember thinking, "what if Science is right and Religion is bullshit? what if people die and all they become is ashes and dust?"

i said out loud to the sky with no trace of faith at all, "if YOU exist, if YOU'RE there, PROVE IT. i don't believe in you anymore. i need a SIGN. PROVE IT TO ME." now, i don't ask for signs. if you believe, you believe. there's no need for concrete evidence or signs to prove anything. but that was how desperate i was.

after spewing those angry words out, i wiped the tears away and i went back to the computer. i was angry because i felt that He didn't exist at all. not only Him but there was just no God. no buddha, no krishna, no Allah, no nothing.

for the next 2 weeks, life went on but there was a part of me that was empty inside. i felt like a shell. or i was just dead inside. i still went to school. i still laughed and chatted but... it wasn't the same. i was just going through the motions.

and even on our visits to Auntie D then, i felt empty. i didn't even feel sad anymore. i only played a part i had to because i know not everyone else didn't feel sad too. back then, there were 4 of us who very close to Auntie D. we visited her at least 3 times in a week. initially, we were a source of support for her but she gradually started to treat us like her own children.

on this one particular visit 2 weeks later, she was happier than usual and she said she dreamt of Sarah. i remember acting out the "oh!!! tell us!!!" but inside, i was still angry and thought, "so? it's not real. nothing is." i was munching impassively on the snacks she prepared as she related the story.

here it goes:

she had gone into Sarah's room as she did everyday, and sat on the floor to 'talk' to Sarah. she told her that her grandmother was in hospital and that if she was able to, go 'visit' her grandmother at this hospital in this ward. that was that.

a few days later, Robin Hood came rushing over to the house. he rushed in happily, telling Auntie D he had dreamt of Sarah. he dreamt that as he got off his bike at home (he cycled everywhere then), his cousin came running out of the house to demand to know where he's been because Sarah was in the house waiting for him. so Robin Hood ran into the house and she was gone. he turned to ask his cousin where did Sarah go and his cousin replied, "she said she was going to visit her grandmother in the hospital".

+++++

i cried when Auntie D finished her story. that was all the sign i needed. it might have been some sort of weird coincidence. or who knows? perhaps Auntie D had unknowingly mentioned something about Sarah's grandmother being in the hospital to Robin Hood. or he had picked up the information somehow. but it didn't matter.

because that was God's answer to me. i FELT it. because as the story concluded, the peace i felt was unmistakable. i KNEW it was the sign i needed. it was enough.

i have never questioned if God exists since.