Boys To Men - Standing in Between Time

between Christmas and the New Year, i came down with a fever and cold and chills. Doc says i caught a virus.

one Friday night, i played mj with my girls. and as the night passed into early morn, i felt my aching body want to fall apart. the feeling is like the cold was seeping through your bones and chilling you right to the core.

that night, as Lubi sent me home, i started tearing in the car from all the yawning and burning eyes. but along the way, the tears became tears of emotion.

i saw, in my mind's eye, potato sitting before me in his white shirt, one afternoon after he sent me to tuition. we were at the void deck enjoying some smokes. he asked me not to work anymore. i asked, then what should i survive on? bread and fresh air?

"marry me," he said. "marry me and you won't have to work anymore."

i cried hard that Friday night. when i got home, i was mildly delirious or terribly delirious, i don't know. because all i could think about was potato and all i saw in my mind were the many memories we've shared, played out in cruel detail.

i cried and i cried and i cried. i cried so hard i couldn't see anything. the tears were big, fat drops that fell on me and on the sink as i gripped it. i was aching physically, and i was hurting emotionally.

i haven't cried that hard since the day we broke up. the strange thing is, i don't think i cried at all since that day. i told myself, there's no need to cry, God's will has been done and so i should just accept it. and with that, i had somehow or other, intentionally or otherwise, closed up everything and shut it tight within me. i didn't feel anything. not until that night.

so i crawled into bed, still sobbing like a baby... and i think partly because i felt so sick and cold and achy, it just made me more vulnerable. i didn't hold anything back.

it was a good cry.