my angels

even when i was feeling this way, God still sends His angels to protect me and made sure i didn't wander too far away from Him.

You all are His angels today.

Late last night, Blue Caps called me. just slightly after i had completed my blog entry "not well at all - tonight". the first thing he asked me, in his gentle way, was, "how are you....." i assumed he had read the blog until he said he didn't. but somehow, his presence was comforting and reassured me that someone out there was listening to my heart's cry, even if i didn't want to talk to that someone.

tonight, when he read my entry, he SMSed me and laughingly pronounced himself as "Godsent". to you, if you are reading this, you were indeed, God sent, my angel, last night, just as you have been in this life.

this whole day, i was rambling, ranting and raving online to Kwazy and Fweedarth Vader.

now, my dear friends, if you all know me well, you will know that many times, when something awry comes my way, i am unable to speak about it immediately. my old friends know this and they leave me alone, as requested through the years, no matter how concerned or how much they want to be there. because when i don't understand what it is that troubles me, and i am unable to make sense of it, i can't talk about it. i can only react in whatever negative ways so it's often better that i stay away. it is only until i can rationalise why i feel a certain way that i am able to share. by then, it isn't so important to share anymore as the issues have been resolved but because these friends are worried, i will share with them if they ask.

but this whole day, i was going on and on and on to the two of you and both of you listened patiently as i repeated what i said and wallowed and whined and threw my tantrums. i thank you both. for highlighting to me that i still can live my life the way i want, God would allow that, as well as to gently advise me not to give in to despair for that would mean conceding my defeat. i heard it all and i kept it all inside me. those are good advice and wise words.

this evening, ruby-doo was with me and i exploded with her too. in fact, i wanted to cry but i didn't cos that would just make everything awkward. she listened and tried to help me understand what i feel. the most important thing was that, she listened and she advised me gently also that i CAN take SOME wrong steps, and she reminded me it's not my role to play the perfect disciple for we are definitely all not and probably can never be. my role is simply to try. she reminded me of all this. and i love you, sister.

to the one who doesn't read my blog, Mr C, i thank you also for listening. when you asked me last night if i was psychologically and emotionally well, i brushed it off and said i'm never psychologically and emotionally well. well, that's true. i'm a wreck sometimes! haha. but i really wanted to talk to you. and i did this evening and your gentle insistence that something is wrong with me, that i am spiritually unwell and that this time round, i'm not giving enough credit to Mr Purple Face, the Dark One also touched me because you didn't rush me to get back on track with God. thank you for your prayers.

today, you all have been God's angels to me, in so many ways that you always have been in my life. it is a small hiccup on my journey, so small. but it means so much to me. so this might be nothing much, merely my whining but your little gestures meant the world. and notice i use one word to describe all your promptings - "gentle". you all were, even when i don't deserve it.

i thank you all. and i hope you find the story as inspiring as i did. Godspeed.