not well at all - tonight

tonight, i only had one thought that i never thought i'll have even through the bad times - how i miss those days when God and church wasn't so much a part of my life.

i have this analogy. we were in bintan and we were standing in the sea trying to catch the next big wave for a better surf... that's like looking for the next big break in life, searching for the better things that you envision in your future...

and then one by one, the waves hit you even while the big one you're looking for is approaching. sometimes we lose our footing and we struggle to stand upright in case we miss the big one we're waiting for. it's just like when adversities wash over you, sometimes, you're able to muster all you have to stand firm in the face of it all, but other times you can't pick yourself up.

but you see, even if you keep your sight on that one destination, if you remain in the sea, sooner or later, you'll get worn out and the waves will wash over you and pull you under and cover you. that's how i feel right now.

i know there are alternatives.

you can choose to ride with whatever comes and go back to shore, to basics.
or you can not try to surf and just sit by the beach and enjoy the sight of the magnificent sea...
but is that how we should try to live?
how many parties would i have missed if i had been a good girl, so to speak?
how many heartfelt conversations i would not have participated in if not for alcohol that loosens me up.
how many nights and 'bad' lifestyle, whatever it is, chasing after some stupid dream or simply spending too much money have brought me comforts and joys of its own kind?
how much love would i not have felt if i had not taken the chance... how would i have learnt to love if not for the too many heartbreaks???

i know gospel values are right and just, but when the world plays by its own rules, i find myself on the losing end sometimes. 'losing' in the sense of the world, i know, but when these things are sometimes overwhelming, i can't find the energy to ride the waves.

i know these joys don't last. nothing does but that given by God. but sometimes, i'm just tired and i don't want to pick myself up. i miss my old life because i was allowed to wallow at times and to give in to despair. looking back, yes, those times are never good and it can sink me to such depths but it isn't easy either to keep focusing on God and the positive when i just want to kick and scream and WALLOW. for what? i don't know. i just want to.

depressing, isn't it? i know this will pass. i know i will open my eyes one morning and find the drive to wake up and like what we said tonight, God is waiting. he just wants us to open our hearts to invite him in, and not barge in on his own. i know i can't reach God tonight, simply because i'm not trying. but the problem is, i don't want to try. and i don't know why.

i just never thought i'll miss that old life especially when all my life, i had been searching for God, whether i knew it or not. i always tried to do the right thing, believe in the right thing, maintain a certain hope even when things are bleak and never lose sight of Love and God even when i didn't know who he is. so how is it that tonight, i want to head back to that life where i worked for money, spent for myself, enjoyed the company of men and bitched with women?

i've always thought this but i just thought i'll accept it - that i came to church too early. why couldn't i have enjoyed my life out there, settle down at 30+ and then come to church? i'm still young. i know it's a gift God gave me.... i really, really know that. i just don't want to know it tonight.