a slight turn in the road

i rode a little to hell today. not that i felt like i was in hell. rather, i felt like i was queen of my own realm again. the passionate, bitchy me who wants to do what my heart desires. to be fair, my heart often desires to do good things, right things even if i am unable to live up to my own expectations and hopes. nevertheless, what i felt the whole of today is that i want to make these good and right choices because it's MY choice and not because i don't have any other choice because these are what God wants of me. i know i may not sound very lucid here but i know what i'm talking about and for the few of you who read this blog, you might understand the inner workings of my psychotic mind and heart.

basically, it's not the same - choosing to love and live the right way vs feeling compelled to love and live the right way because that's the only way God wants us to.

Mr C said to me this evening that i am underestimating the power of the devil this time. i said i know that. i was slightly hysterical within because i kept trying to explain what i'm feeling without getting the right words to make those who hear me comprehend what i'm saying. point is, i know everything that's right and wrong about what i'm feeling. i'm able to rationalise it and justify what i feel even. i know so clearly that God has not abandoned me but that i just want to defy him and go against him this time. now, I LOVE GOD. i do. it might be empty words coming from someone who's just trying to walk away from Him, well, not that i'm walking away from Him... i just want to explore and experiment with my life my way again, instead of following Him, the very thing that i yearn to do with all my heart and soul. i just couldn't, last night and today.

i believe, there are many ways to live a good life. one can follow God and be faithful throughout and that's an excellent way to really live life. one can also fully experience the joys and pains life has to bring, to reach ecstasy and hit hell-bottom and that's also an excellent way to fully live and appreciate life. perhaps more dangerous, because you can lose yourself along the way but if you persevere and choose to live, you will also be in touch with Life itself. so my struggle is, why can't i take that option instead of bending to "rules and regulations"?

i didn't hear the voice of the Dark One. sometimes, i do. and he usually speaks the words quite clearly in my mind, vocalising my deepest insecurities and darkest fears, those that i might not even be aware i have. but usually, when i hear that voice, i know. in fact, in one of my earlier blog entries, i wrote about how i sometimes discern God's will by talking to the Dark One. because the things the Dark One says is always convincing and with no loopholes. you can take that choice and jump right through it. The Lord however, doesn't always offer these options. His paths are usually fraught with loopholes that you can worm your way out. why? simply because He gives us free will. He doesn't force us to take the option He wants. which is also why, to me, His ways are often not as convincing because He isn't trying to convince us to take that route, but simply to listen to Him and then choose to take the route He knows we need.

but i didn't hear any voices this time. in fact, i was almost mad with joy at one point because i was almost free from the very things i love about God, the very things that i feel tie me down. so i do recognise the Dark One's hand in this because it is all too easy. the difference this time is, there is not much despair. there is wallowing but no serious depression, nor despair. it is almost too easy because it feels like i'm in control. which is what makes me aware of the Dark One's presence because it is not me that's in control since i've surrendered this control to my Lord, even if i wrestle with Him every now and then. and the only reason i can wrestle with Him is because He's my friend and He's never given up on me.

maybe this sounds like fervent words to reunite with God but it isn't. cos all through the day, in the same intensity that i feel like i want to just follow my own will, i know with as much conviction that God is right there with me. it was only whether i wanted to acknowledge His presence.

in any case, i am here right now, at 2.17am, typing this blog because i just read a story from Paulo Coelho's "Like the Flowing River". now, i don't have the habit to read at night. i usually get on the comp to write a little while waiting for my hair to dry.

i will type the story in my next entry.... thank you for your patience, encouragement, listening ears, and tolerance with this little sinner Me.

i still don't know how i will feel when i wake up tomorrow but i know i won't leave my God. because He just reminded me of my baptismal promises. He just reminded me that i CHOSE to answer His call. i wasn't coerced to make that choice. and He just reminded me that He still loves me. in something as simple and accidental as a story i wanted to read this morning but didn't get to it... so it happens that i read it tonight. the very thing i need, the very simplest, littlest thing that He prepared for me at just the right time. i might not have reacted to it the same way if i had read it this morning. but as usual, God doesn't fail me.

Thank You.