a return... a little awkwardly...

inadvertently, i found myself talking to God again. :( i am so sorry.

throughout today, i find myself going:

"so how? what do you think?"
"please protect me!"
"God, what say you?"

stuff like that... without even thinking, i'm talking to Him again. what the hell is wrong with me?!! it's like, i threw a tantrum with God and then the next minute, after my energy is spent, i go back to Him... of course, now that i've really, consciously failed Him, it made me a bit awkward to talk to Him.

each time i turn to ask Him something, i feel this shame... and i want to tell Him i'm sorry, it's not that i'm taking Him for granted. or maybe i am, but i didn't mean to be... and now i understand again, how and why once you've consciously turned from God, it's so easy to stay away because it's difficult to come back. what makes me think i deserve His love and forgiveness? what makes me think i can talk to Him now that i want to talk to Him and He has to listen? these are the kinds of nagging voices within me. yes, we talked about voices in the previous entry... so i know where they're from.

i am sorry, God.