X-MEN: when Jean Grey became the Phoenix

even mediocre x-men fans like me would remember the episode of the cartoon when jean grey perished and became the phoenix. that was a sad time in the history of the x-men but it was solidly strong and beautiful.

unlike the movie's rendition where the phoenix was a raging, uncontrollable entity.

but that's quite close to what i've been feeling lately.

it's like i have this mass of energy and BURNING PASSION to release... i don't know where it's from, and i don't know how. cos it isn't as if i'm a bubbling ball of life right now. i still get physically tired. but emotionally and psychologically, i am high. i feel like EXPLODING. i feel like shouting out loud, yelling till my lungs give way (which will happen soon with all the coughing anyway) and laughing and crying and screaming and BURNING.

so today, that image of the uncontrollable jean grey as the phoenix appeared in my mind, that scene from x-men III (?) towards the end of the movie where the power coming from within her was simply eliminating everything. all because she couldn't hold it in anymore and just had to let it out of her.

jean grey has never been a favourite x-men of mine. i like rogue instead. rogue from the comics, not of the movie. the movie one is quite a little girl and still obviously vulnerable. the comic one has inner strength and grace, and these qualities don't hinder her fiery and mischievous nature.

but today, jean grey the phoenix dominates my thoughts. i feel myself growing weaker because i'm spending my energy trying to contain this ... burning desire inside me. but i have to hold it in because otherwise, it'll probably consume me and i'll get lost. i already got a peek of it these last few days and it's already driven me to places i don't want to go.

i'm still trying to understand what i'm feeling but i don't know what it is. i so don't know.

i just know i'm DYING TO LET IT ALL OUT - i want to laugh madly without caring for anyone's opinions... and i want to release the anger that i've suppressed inside. it's probably not real anger as i doubt i have anything to be angry about. but perhaps there's resentment and the anger that comes from having to accept certain things... it makes me want to rebel against the injustice of those situations. maybe that's it? merely wanting to release the anger within? but i'm afraid if i do, i might just fall apart in the face of it. these things can drive you mad because you're giving in to unchecked passions.

i don't know. i only know i envision myself as jean grey the phoenix today. and it helps in a way because i finally have that image in my head i can identify with. it puts things a little bit more into perspective. i know i'm not angry at any one thing or any one situation and my previous bitterness about Catholicism with all its binding principles are merely my frustration at not giving in to these strong feelings.

i reconciled with God today... but i'm still BURNING so intensely inside i don't know what to do. do i quell it? i really don't want to. do i let it out? i'm afraid to. so i guess i'll just go along and let it burn itself out?

help.