Holy Spirit, Ablaze!

Mr C is on fire.

and i am on fire.

there are so many things to do for RCIA!!! so many activities lined up that we cannot announce publicly yet... so we are now cracking our heads to think of how to soft-sell these activities and how to encourage more participation.

in the midst of the flurry for fundraising, people panicking cos nothing is moving ahead, he suddenly comes up with this email to basically say, Halt! let us not get caught up in fundraising.

he says as long as we plan properly for the greater goals, without thinking of the rewards, the money will come. God will provide.

what i personally have learnt is that all we have to do is to work HARD. really HARD. and the money will come. God will provide.

his email set me on fire all over again. well, the fire has never really died within me though sometimes it's just a small flame going. especially the times when he's down cos then i feel lost and i'm floating around since nothing can proceed without his okay.

no he's not THAT important. he's not indispensable either. but he's OPEN and THIS is why God's work gets done. not through false smiles and pretences of friendship, but through sheer hard work, commitment and being open to be used as God's instrument.

thinking of that accusation of self-glorification still makes my blood boil.

in any case, he's been struggling so hard this last year but at the times when he's ON TRACK, gosh, it feels like old times when we are invincible and nothing can stop us forging ahead. i really miss that.

so, thinking of how many unnecessary setbacks he's had to face this year still makes me feel so, so sad. people don't understand how deep we have to dig for strength sometimes. they don't understand the fire that we need to propel us forward fearlessly and how their wet blanket can make so much difference.

i don't know. why do people resent having to set their ideas back because of what he says? haven't they worked enough with him to know that he always has good reasons? aren't they aware that his choices don't reflect his SELF but the journey's needs?

actually, they do, except for one. the rest of us have discussions and healthy arguments and in the end, we always step back and obey him for what he says. especially since he always gives good reasons. and he understands the heartbeat of the journey. that's something i have yet to grasp. and i still marvel at how he does it.

well, right now, though he just got slapped with another boulder, he suddenly rises above himself and he is ON. we have to maximise our flame before the next obstacle arrives.

his email makes me so proud of him. what i've learnt and experienced with him so far is that even if he seems to be wandering off course, he's really just taking time to ponder and to find the right course. in the end, he always comes through still on the right track.

THIS is why i still believe in him.

Thank you, Lord!!!

Kudos to ST. CHRISTOPHER!!!

i went to the bookshop looking forlornly for a medal of St. Columbanus as a gift.

-_-

like, i don't think that exists lor.

as Don says, "who's that???" haha.

you know how Catholic bookshops have those boxes with segregated sections where they keep all the different medals of different saints? yes, i went through the entire box, especially since the medals weren't exactly kept in their right segments but all mixed together. yup, no St. Columbanus.

ok so i settled for St. Christopher.

before long, i found a medal of St. Christopher. without looking too hard. but he's common to find, right?

still slightly disappointed that there is nothing on St. Columbanus, i took my St. Christopher and was going to pay when i turned around, thinking i should look harder for a perhaps, shinier medal. i'm not a stickler for these things, i usually choose the very first piece i spy because i feel in some way, that first piece has come to me, unless it's seriously damaged or defaced.

but since it's a gift, i thought i'll just see if there's a better one.

i rummaged through the entire box, going through medal by medal... there are LOTS to go through... and there's not another St. Christopher medal!!! i got the ONLY one without even looking too hard!

off i skipped to Don, pronouncing to him, "This medal is meant for me! i got the ONLY one in the box!" and explained how it came into my hands so easily and that i only realised it's the only one after searching through the box.

he said, "THERE, you have it!" :D

KUDOS TO YOU ST. CHRISTOPHER!!! whether you're still on the list of saints for the calendar or not!

*grin*

Love Songs to God

... i am sitting on my bed now, not exceptionally tired though i know i should turn in soon since tomorrow's the start of a new week...

... i am listening to one of my Christian CDs and the song playing now is "Just Let Me Say"... some songs can open me up and reduce me to tears by its tender melody and heartfelt words... but not tonight. i am not crying, merely contented, in bliss and touched.

"Just let me say how much I love you, oh my Saviour, my Lord and friend...

Just let me hear your finest whispers as you gently call my name...
And let me see your power and your glory...
Let me feel your spirit's flame...
Let me find you in the desert till this sand is holy ground...

And I am found completely surrendered...
To you, my Lord and friend..."

i wish i can find the words to speak of just how much i love you, Lord...
but more than that, i wish i can find the energy to sustain me wanting to turn to you to just keep saying how much i love you.
more often than not, i find that i don't get in touch with you as much...

"So let me say how much I love you,
With all my heart I long for you
For I am caught in the passion of knowing this endless love I've found in you...
And the depth of grace, the forgiveness found,
To be called a Child of God
Just makes me say how much I love you,
Oh my Saviour, my Lord and friend..."

And so here i am, feeling ever thankful for His precious gift of life... the wonderful and extremely packed weekend i had, the excitement, the love, the joy and magic (somewhat) and well, the guidance i feel, the wonderful, wonderful time...

i might write more about this tomorrow but for now, just in case i don't, i wanna remember here in this blog, the Mooncake Boardwalk 2007, made more special with Merc around... and the 10-year reunion with my YJC friends... my goddaughter's baptism today... everything RCIA... how staying away just for this one day to attend Lydia's baptism has concretised for me what it means to let it go... but in your time and in your wisdom, Lord, if you feel it's time i leave, then give me the grace to say my goodbyes but if you feel you can still use me, i fervently hope to stay on with the RCIA for all the joy and love i've found, for all the family i have from there.

this is one of those nights when i feel that life is absolutely sweet even though i feel almost entirely drained of all energy.

what do you want of me, Lord? i am afraid to ask. i too, have my own dreams and desires... but for some reason, it seems you might have different plans stored for me.

"Whenever I'm afraid, I will trust in you... I will trust in you...
Let the weak say, 'I am strong in the strength of my Lord'...
You are my hiding place,
You always fill my heart with songs of deliverance,
Whenever I am afraid,
I will trust in you... I will trust in you..."

what is everything else next to you, Lord?

but why do i forget? why do i yearn for everything else?
i want to beg you for mercy sometimes, not the kind of begging i do in Lent, to deliver me from the agonising period... but this is more a bargaining. i want to beseech you, "Let me go, Lord."
i only want to be human, to own the passions that i have, to live by my heart and still lift my head up high knowing my heart's in the right place.

i am a sinner and i am unworthy. but you know that.

well, whatever you have in store for me, i know it's for the best. it's the reconciliation bit i can't work out if what i am starting to imagine is real. in any case, i will still love you... you know that... i may rebel sometimes... but please don't ever let me stray too far from you, my Lord, my Saviour, my friend.

"In moments like this, I lift up my hands to the Lord
Singing 'I love you, Lord...'
Singing 'I love you, Lord...'
Singing 'I love you, Lord...'
'I love you.'

In moments like this, I sing out a song,
I sing out a love song to Jesus...
In moments like this, I lift up my hands...
I lift up hands to the Lord...

Singing 'I love you, Lord...'
Singing 'I love you, Lord...'
Singing 'I love you, Lord...'
'I love you.....'"

I love you.........

Strength, I Need.

it's Thursday again... RCIA day...

it's been the day i look forward to most for the last 4 1/2 years...

amazing how time flies.

Bird Foo has left us. the other night, i couldn't sleep wondering if he'll be ok. every active sponsor we have are like comrades we soldier on with, shoulder to shoulder, defending our catechumens from strong winds, protecting them from what might be hurled their way or simply trying to be the wall to knock down all other obstacles.

and each time an active sponsor leaves, i feel like a comrade has left. and with that departure, a part of me actually leaves as well.

i was so looking forward to RCIA tonight and now that it's almost time to go, all i feel is the same dread that i feel every week, in the pit of my stomach, making me feel like i can't breathe.

it probably used to be excitement. these days, it's excitement mixed with a lot of trepidation.

tonight, i will be setting up the rooms by myself. jojo is in KL. honestly, i am tired. physically tired. i notice that nowadays, i feel like crying every Thursday. but it's only physical exhaustion, nothing else.

come to think of it, i've been doing this for years.

where are the men?

i'm not complaining really. cos when i first found out Bird left, and i was setting up 03-02 for BOW last Sunday, i had mixed feelings. sifting out the physical tiredness, i know this is really a good exercise in humility. going back to basics.

so i thank the Lord for He knows i have more energy unused. i just wish i can dig deeper for strength and to remember to draw and replenish that pool of strength from God.

Angela asked me last night where i get my energy from. my reply was that i had been digging into my reserves for the last few years. and i know that's partly true. but there was a message in there for me as well - a message from God. i know that on my own strength, i would've collapsed a few journeys ago. but i keep going and we keep going. and when we can't go on, someone else falters first and somehow we manage to keep going together until that person recovers.

so i know God is with me. i know i needn't be afraid. my strength may run out, if it hasn't already but God's strength will never run out.

i just hate it when i face this kind of resistance and fear. it's not a fear that's real but it's one that i'm increasingly familiar with and that scares me.

the journey has been so difficult since last year. these days, i tread carefully because i know something else might explode when we least expect it. but i know the catechumens are protected. they always are. but are we strong enough to withstand another shock?

God, please give us your strength and help us to remember for what we are making these withdrawals of strength. not for ourselves, but for your people whom you have called. so i thank you for giving me this task and please i beg you to help me continue to draw what i need from you because we are only halfway through the journey and i know i am feeling like each step is getting heavier.

do not let me be afraid enough that i forget to turn to you.
and let me do your work with a cheerful heart for you love a cheerful giver.

thank you Lord.

My Horoscope from Friendster for 16 Sep

interesting...


THE BOTTOM LINE:
Dig deep down in your heart and share your true feelings with someone special.


IN DETAIL:
Your eye for detail will get you into a very interesting situation today when one of many small details about a stranger calls out to you. You can also notice amazing things about people that you know (if you dig deep down in your heart) that they don't realize yet about themselves. Hold on to these little revelations -- they are your secrets to divulge. One person in particular is providing a great deal of entertainment. They are about to blossom in a way they never expected.

i miss my grandfather.

On Fire @ CN

on days like that, when i am swamped with work and have no time to catch my breath or eat my lunch, i feel like this is where i want to be.

whiteboy went for his in-camp training for the entire week last week.

then Friend Sis left for Japan yesterday.

our paper goes to print today and tomorrow (Tues and Wed). what this means is that we had to finish all our work by last Friday, which is 5 days ahead of schedule.

that's 5 less working days!

and i was alone.

so i did it. and it was great fun.

i thrive under pressue and adrenaline surges.

it's days like this when i really enjoy coming to work, feeling purposeful.

i love my job.

but only on days like that.

Humility

Humility is acknowledging one's gifts and talents, not denying them.
For God gave us these special gifts, to deny them would be to deny God's blessings bestowed on us, to say that He has made a mistake in giving them to us, or that He hasn't really given us anything much at all.

false modesty is denying one's capabilities deliberately.

this was, in fact, a very new lesson to me just maybe a year ago.

i've never thought of myself as an arrogant or prideful person though i have to say that these days, i have more pride than before! still, Christian humility was a new chapter.

there was this girlfriend of mine, jes, whom i was close to when i was a new Catholic. she was an exceptionally proud person. it took me a while but it became clear that she would lie and hurt others to protect her own pride.

so i prayed hard and worked hard to not be like that. i thought that being proud of something accomplished through one's hard work was pride. how do i explain this...

if i work hard for something and it bears fruit, of course it's my hard work that led to the results.

but on the vineyard, it's different. what happens is we work hard, nothing gets done well enough perhaps but then everything works out perfectly. so to me, to claim credit for that, or to accept others' thanks, was prideful because things happened not as a result of me being there... or maybe it did, with God using us as an instrument but mostly, it was the Spirit's work! i can't be the one accepting the thanks.

what happens is that every time someone comes up to me with praise and thanksgiving, i deny everything and brush it all away. well, part of the reason is also cos i'm shy. (WHAT?! ME!? SHY?!!) yes. haha.

so i have to say that the very first time i heard that it was false humility to brush aside one's work, it hit me very hard. was i being falsely modest? am i denying that God has done His work, sometimes through me?

well, i don't know.

the lessons also go like this: when someone thanks you for a job well done, praises you for all you've contributed, instead of denying it and brushing it away, point all that to God. for without Him, we wouldn't be able to do anything. give glory to Him for all that He's accomplished. we were merely His hands and feet.

i am still learning. i think it's got to do with upbringing. when someone compliments me, i feel "paiseh". haha. i started to acknowledge it when people say they like my bag, my shoes, i look pretty, etc.

where the vineyard is concerned, i am still quite unable to channel or redirect whatever is done to God. so i still can't accept it. this is terrible. well, i don't think i'm being falsely humble, just ... how do i do this!!!

broken dreams... thank God.

RCIA has been keeping me awake these last few nights.

and it's not that i have been up working on them. on the contrary, i have been sleeping but continously woken up by them.

countless dreams that feel like reality. let's see...

dreamt of Merc bringing this old man to the registration table, saying that he can't find his name tag. everything feels so real. i am bending over the table, towards them and asking him for his name. he tells me and i ask, "are you new?" - i even know that i don't recognise him. he says no. i look at Merc and he's just as lost. so i dig around the name tag box but cannot find his tag. i look through the name list and cannot find his name. i turn towards them to enquire for more information.

i wake up... and i get up wondering if we managed to find the old man his name tag... did i? did we...? ... or was it a dream? gosh.

then i dream of jojo jumping and dancing around. she's not only being 'teh' but being super-jolly. i look at her and a few of us around the registration table exchange looks and laughs. why the hell is she jumping for?

why the hell is she jumping for? i ask as i awake and again, getting up to wonder. did it happen earlier at RCIA? or was it a dream again. ... sigh.

i dream of kwazy combining BOW groups with fweedarth vader and i am annoyed. why must they do everything together? then every other group is combining except jojo's and my group. why?

again i awake, pondering it through.

i dream i am late in printing the RCIA newsletter, Our Journey Together. and there is one more hour before RCIA begins. Mr C is gonna not be happy. i didn't dare to tell him. anyway my dad's car is with me. and so i speed along with jojo and belynda and we got to highland road. i rush upstairs and realise my laptop is in my company (whatever that is) that's in town. i want to cry. belynda looks at me helplessly and offers to go with me. so does jojo. i tell them no need. they better get back to RCIA. i'll rush along. but the journey is very much delayed and for some reason, i cannot find parking, cannot get through lights... i want to cry. and i know i cannot get it out on time but i persevere.

i wake up. and i feel so disappointed in myself. how could i have left it till so late??? and then i remember. it's OUT! we just distributed it a few days ago! i was on time! relief. but that sucky sour taste of making a big boo-boo cos of my negligence remains with me.

too many nights spent waking up fretting over RCIA.

what's wrong?

am i not doing something right? doing something with wrong reasons? not on top of things? being neglectful? what is it... is it a warning? my subconscious trying to tell me something?

hmm...