the MAD apostle

we know how i have been saying the Apostle gets me... and how i am arrested by him though i don't know him that well?

i just figured it all out.

we are both crazy. that's why.

lunatics.

not in a good way. my eyes are almost 3/4 shut. i am so tired. but in an exchange of emails, i saw the light.

we are in a state of funk. where the mind is somehow, refusing to collapse in on itself but running at high speeds, processing thoughts, reflections, and even analysing emotions and feelings.

it's some sort of adrenaline that's coursing giddily through my blood that's keeping me jumpy, edgy, and making me feel like throwing myself off a building (not in a suicidal way but in a way just to prove that i can actually survive the fall, which of course, i know i can't but i just want to do it anyway).

and then obviously, the body can't keep up with this rush of excitement and depression, all at the same time. what happens? we are suspended in time. and physically, we feel like just crawling our way into a ready-dug grave and just sleep there. if we get rejuvenated, good. we'll crawl our way out. if not, then eternal rest is already inviting us in that soily bed.

so while the mind is racing so far ahead, happily forgetting about the body, the body is suffering just trying to catch up. and in the meantime, the soul is looking on, stretched both ways, one end with the mind, the other with the body and the heart is pumping furiously energising the soul to hold on to what it knows is true. not really succeeding but you have to give credit to this so strong heart that never gives up despite how many beatings it takes.

oh yes, i was talking about lunacy.

funny. the Apostle feels the same way i do right now. i didn't even mention that i'm feeling this way. he started talking about it and i am just amused because of how much i actually understand what he's talking about.

and he was raving and ranting and as i said to him, "you sound mad".

he did. but i do too.

and suddenly, in that moment, it dawned on me. we are crazy people. maybe that's why i feel drawn to him. lunacy seeks company too. i have many lunatic friends but they are obviously lunatic. the Apostle wasn't so obvious to me. i had thought it was this detachment and strange self-assuredness that stood him apart. i had so misread it. it's nothing more than a shock of lunacy.

but i still like! :)

One Really Difficult Week-III

this week has been hellish to say the least.

i was gripped by fear. i don't know what happened.

my gfs were great. i mean, it is no secret that i am deeply attached to him. one must be blind to not notice that i love him dearly - sometimes as a father figure, sometimes as a best friend, sometimes as an elder brother, as what Father Beng calls us.

even as i saw him getting better, even as i felt the peace that God literally showered upon me, i had to fight to not run off from work to go to the hospital. even through all the assurance i could possibly get, i couldn't work past myself. i couldn't rise up above that fear. that cold, sharp fear that gripped my heart. Thursday and Friday were so bad. i woke up in fear. and even at that point when the diagnosis wasn't out and they still didn't know what was wrong and he was still unwell, i KNEW that he wasn't going to die or anything. not yet anyway.

but i was just gripped in fear. i'll be fine some moments at work... i mean, life goes on right? and it isn't even that he died. haha. but the next moment, i'd not be breathing. my chest literally hurt, and hurt so badly it feels like it spread cos my shoulders and arms hurt too.

Friday night was breakdown night. after the dinner party at the hospital, we left to go to the gathering we were all late for at one of our journeyer's house. and there, we still had to smile and pretend we didn't know why Mr C wasn't there. i downed a cup of red wine. that calmed me down cos i was just heading for breakdown. i was sobby and it JUST HURT SO MUCH.

WHAT hurt so much? i don't know!!! but i couldn't breathe. literally. i had to make myself catch deep breaths to get some oxygen.

even now, as i am typing this, i am shaking.

i know... the rational part of me analyses this and knows... yes, partly it's because this happened with Mr C. i have had people die on me but honestly, no one close to heart... not since Golden Girl at 15 years old. i watched and held CM's hand as he breathed his last, me counting his pulse even as it was stopping... my grandparents have died but i think i probably didn't feel this way because we weren't that close? so yes, i know i feel this way partly because he is a close and dear friend. but above it all, it is just nonsense in my own mind. but i SIMPLY COULD NOT FIGHT IT.

this whole episode really scared me badly. another part was cos i had already felt something was wrong and Mrs C's words over the phone... gosh, that was surreal. i felt like i was living in my nightmare. so i don't know... maybe that nightmarish quality spilled over... i only know i was badly scared.

and that scared me more because obviously, whatever i had reconciled with God in that chapel... (and i just want to add, this has been a standing issue in my life... so big that my one week's journey with the Sojourners was to pray for the grace to overcome this fear...) ... whatever God had assured me was enough, for me to leave thinking things were healed... well, obviously all of it wasn't enough to undo whatever damage had been caused somewhere else i had not noticed.

why am i so traumatised by Death? i honestly am not afraid to die, as i told God and as God had gently rebuked me about holding on to those who aren't afraid either and who also want to meet Him.

but this week has shed light on some matters that i need to work on within myself. Death, the RCIA journey... amongst others. i am just so tired emotionally. otherwise, things are ok. we managed to hold the fort quite well, i have to add, while Mr C was gone!

OH! AMAZING THINGS HAPPEN TOO.
God is simply marvellous.
even as i was tired, waking up early to settle RCIA matters, sleeping late to settle RCIA matters, rushing to talk to priests and fellow journeyers for opening night... and being caught in that deep fear, i notice things were happening really smoothly. unexpectedly smoothly... and unexpectedly easily... and i was never tired when i had to do the tasks at hand. only tired when i had to stop. and even as i was worn out, when i had something to do, somehow, the energy came to me. i didn't have to dig. IT CAME TO ME. there were many, many little things that happened this week that i know came from God.

wow.

so this was One Really Difficult Week. i think there's going to be a lot more work i need to do for myself, ON myself.

One Really Difficult Week-II

Wednesday night:

so Mr C SMSed me that first night and said pls not to worry.

HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?

they had him admitted straightaway and they were testing him into the night... till about 11ish. what was wrong???


Thursday:

did some work at home... then watched "Heroes". i had refrained from asking where he was as Mrs C didn't want him to be disturbed. but then later in the afternoon, i think she called to update or something, can't remember, it's all fuzzy now. so then i asked if it's ok for us to visit and she generously said, "sure!" she's a great woman. gosh, so gorgeous. i think most of us girls are so taken by her, haha.

who's the luckier one? Mr C for having such a beautiful wife (not just pretty, beautiful too) or Mrs C for having such a loyal and loving husband? God is great.

so later in the afternoon, ruby-doo picked me and trix up (who was on MC cos she had her wisdom tooth removed) and we trooped down to Mt A. was scary.

i popped my head around the drawn curtains and there he was looking OLD, hugging lil Ellie as they watched TV. he didn't look like he was dying but he certainly looked EXHAUSTED AND OLD. it's not easy to see a friend who's ALWAYS passionate about practically everything, who goes around the day smiling and laughing, or getting angry and affected, who allows himself to go through the full range of emotions, who is often times, boisterous even... you can always hear his voice in church before you see him and it always makes people laugh because he's just funny and LOUD and passionate... and helps us to locate him... haha, well, it's not easy when he's suddenly quiet and worn out and old...

oh yes, i remember now. Mrs C's update was to say that he's ok except that he's really tired.

well, he was having a fever. and the doctors didn't know what was wrong. the not-knowing bit sucks cos imaginations run wild. well, we hung out and chatted. he was really tired.

it's like, when he's running, he's running strong but the moment he slows down, he just collapses in on himself.

and there was RCIA at night. it was so difficult to be there and smile and smile and pretend that he was just not feeling well so taking a break. i am quite sure some are alarmed. Mr C NEVER takes a break.

(*this whole entry on Thursday is made only on Fri, 30/04/07 as i'm reading my own blog. i had not remembered the events well at all).


Friday morning:

went for morning Mass. haha. actually was really lazy to when the alarm rang but my mind was alert even as i had DECIDED NOT TO GO for mass. had forgotten i had set a second alarm for myself the night before, when i was DETERMINED TO GO for mass. cos i had thought of going for mass but was too tired to, consumed by worry and fear. but when i read the reflection for the next day (Thurs), it was all about how the body of Christ would give us strength and how it is especially when we are wandering from God that we need this strength. that was when i decided to. so when that second alarm rang, i got up and decided to go.

was really nice. i was wide awake and my mind was clear... i was very sharp and alert. i knelt at the chapel at Holy Spirit and i looked at the crucifix. the same crucifix in that same chapel i had reconciled with God about my issues with Death through the Sojourners retreat. i said to God really humbly, down on my knees and just wanting to crawl to Him, "Lord, i reconciled this with you here in this chapel... you had assured me that my fears were just that - fears. so please help me to surrender my fear to you... and trust that you will take care of everything according to your will."

i left feeling a lot of peace. and assurance.

then i had to lie to the few fellow journeyers i met at mass as Mrs C had requested that i not inform everyone as knowing RCIA, people will flock to his bedside and he wouldn't be able to rest.

it's ok. i can do that for the Cs.

it was just hospital visit after hospital visit then. he was better on Friday but his spirit was sinking.


Friday evening:

Hainan-Boy made a really nice card for Mr C with the photos i passed to him. they've known each other for years too. we bought Man-U magazines, sushi, beancurd (all healthy food) and had a nice dinner with him in hospital. we basically threw a 'party' just to bring up his spirit.


Saturday:

he was much, much, MUCH BETTER.

also i want to add, i knew it because when i woke up on Saturday morning, i actually felt well-rested for the first time this week.

+++++

Sunday:

i woke up feeling even calmer and more alive than yesterday. Praise the Lord, the storm clouds are clearing.

Mr C was discharged today. with nothing more than just a diagnosis of bronchitis. it was his stomach that brought him to the hospital, that led them to check on his lungs (he had been ill and coughing so badly for more than a month). God is amazing indeed.

One Really Difficult Week-I

i had one of the worst weeks of my life.

Mr C left for KL and Vietnam 2 weeks ago. i knew something bad was going to happen. i didn't know what but i felt that something was wrong with him. i put it off as he was away and we had no proper chance to talk. but i couldn't shake that sense of dread and fear in the pit of my stomach.

on the bad days, i started imagining that i was going to get a call from Mrs C to say that the plane that Mr C was on had crashed or something. haha. when these thoughts came, i knew my imagination had taken over and i could laugh at myself.

but that was really how fearful i was. because i KNEW something was either happening or was going to happen... or that something was wrong or would go wrong. i just KNEW.

Mr C said he was taking the "noon flight" home last Wed. i assumed "noon" meant 12pm or early noon after 12pm. Tuesday and Wednesday (especially Tues), i was just attempting to keep my nerves in control. i worked, i wrote, i read, i did RCIA. but i was just feeling sick and i didn't know why.

Wednesday went by relatively better because i kept myself busy. all i remember was at one point, i realised it was late afternoon and then i thought, "no call from Mrs C. Mr C should've landed. i think all is ok." but i still felt really weird, partly cos i didn't hear from him. but probably mostly cos something just didn't feel right.

evening time. i stayed back in the office as i had an event to attend that started at 8pm. was working on RCIA when one of the neophytes exchanged some SMSes with me. she ended by saying, "Mr C is really blessed to have an efficient team like you all." my reply to her, "we are really blessed to have him." and as i typed that, i felt a little anxiety again. i still remember looking at my watch, but i don't remember what time it was... looking back, it must have been 7 or 7-ish... and thinking, things should be ok. it's so late already.

just as that thought came, my phone rang and i looked at who's calling - Mrs C.

i swear, my heart just sank. and yet, i told myself, could be just something she wanted to talk to me about... or Mr C's hp died or something... whatever... something...

i answered as cheerfully as i could.

i still remember the words...

"J, Mr C won't be able to make it for RCIA tomorrow night."

"ok......." breathe, don't worry, maybe he's held up in vietnam and didn't come after all. Mrs C didn't sound like the plane her husband was on had crashed.

"I don't want to alarm you..." FUCK. "but he's in hospital... he was admitted straight after he landed about half an hour ago."

i didn't know what to say. she hadn't seen him.

"is he ok?" i finally managed to say, without betraying the cold fear in my heart.

"J, i tell you very honestly. his health has suffered a lot because of RCIA..." i don't remember what else she said after that. i was consumed with guilt. GUILT. i had failed to take care of him. despite ruby-doo telling me i have always taken very good care of him, i had failed.

he works on RCIA till 12-1am every night, if not later... he wakes up at 4.30am every morning. i knew he was tired... but i know also how much he loves what he's doing... and i assumed that that would always be enough to keep him going as he claimed. but obviously, i should have known better. who can go on 3 hours of sleep every night year after year?

+++++

the situation was never as bad as i had imagined... but i know how things can work in the RCIA. i know how people can fall ill and just pass on so quickly. every year, we scramble to prepare condolences cards and to coordinate funeral masses unexpectedly. hospital visits are part and parcel of the journey - these visits to people who fall ill or discover they are ill only when they come on the journey. i know how things work.

as it is, i am so terribly frightened by the thought of the more elderly friends, people like Anthony and Carmen, whom i know i have to send off at some point or other. but the thought that it might happen to someone a lot closer to my heart has never occurred to me. partly cos it's just too difficult to imagine.

what happens then?

Things I'm Sick and Tired of...

1. People thinking they know what's best for me.

2. People assuming they know me.

3. People assuming they understand me.

4. People assuming I need their protection.

5. People assuming I need their help.

6. People thinking I care.

7. People assuming they can make a better decision than I can, for myself.

8. Hypocrites. Especially hypocrites who think they aren't hypocrites.

9. Pretences.

10. People who feel the need to share things about everybody's life with others.

+++++

The Common Theme: Presumption.

presumption that they know me well.

The Irony: It's those who aren't friends who make that presumption.

i am amused, bitter, angry about this. i find it hilarious that it is really those who don't know me that make the presumption that they know what i need, what i want, what is best for me, and who usually believe it's them that i need.

HA HA FUCKING HA.

the AUDACITY to actually claim that intimacy that they know me. FUCKING AUDACITY. i don't even know myself well. my mum doesn't even know me well. and they think they do?

here's a newsflash: it is actually my friends who know i am the way i am and that i won't allow anyone to make a decision for me unless i ask for it. and i will ask if you are my friend, as my friends know. i won't ask otherwise. because i don't give two hoots what you think. so why ask?

+++++

i am also wondering now how many of my friends will remain with me if i ever, one day, say to them, "Fuck out of my life."

hmm.... well, if i ever do that one day... to you who are my good friends, i will come to my senses so soon and CRAWL back to you. nothing like that has ever happened before. because i care about you!

test test

Crappy Perspectives

ah yes, it is another one of those nights.

i turned on my stereo to play the Christian CD that i'm hooked on currently, the one with songs like "Just Let Me Say", "Seek Ye First" and "In Moments Like This" but then the music on Class 95 wasn't too bad and so i left it tuned in to that station.

Kitty was meowing away downstairs. she decided to sleep on the couch tonight rather than upstairs with us. she was probably too exhausted to climb up the 20 steps earlier. she was sleeping the whole night. but she must have woken up to discover that everyone has retired for the night and that she was alone in the living room. hence, the complaining. i went down to placate her and she immediately returned to her comfortable position on the couch. what a spoilt cat.

so it is one minute to 12am, one minute to a new day. and once again, i am several hours past the time i wanted to go to sleep. i'm beginning to realise that i will forever be past my ideal bedtime. i wonder why i have taken this long to succumb to this resignation.

two years later, i'll be 30. 30 to some will seem like such a young age. being 30 to others are unimaginable. for me, i still feel 18 most times. then, i feel like i am ready to live many lifetimes of adventure and life. except the times when i'm downy. then i feel like i've lived for ages and unfortunately, have many more lifetimes to go. what a change of perspective can do.

why are people so strange?

if we were told of the exact time of our death, every single minute will be savoured and cherished with such depth. and yet, just because we don't know when, we live our lives recklessly and carelessly, without heed of the consequences of our action and without truly reciprocal appreciation of this gift.

if i knew i was going to die soon, chances are i'll choose not to sleep until i absolutely have to. but because i think i'll live forever, all i can think about is sleeping.

i wish this life will never end sometimes. i suppose that's when heaven is on earth.

yet, if i really had a chance to live forever, i will run far away. watching those i love die... but then again, if we never have to die, then wouldn't it be perfect? that would be heaven on earth! or that would just be heaven.

ok, i feel my mind getting entangled up in the concept of eternity again.

in my limited human capacity, eternity makes me want to die. it feels soooooo loooooooooongg................ and forever....... and never-ending....... feels so tiring!!!!

ok i'm losing my grip on sanity. and my blogs nowadays feel like crap.

good night.

withdrawing the withdrawal

so much for withdrawal symptoms of being too free appearing now that Baptism is over.

a fresh round of busy-ness has started.

*sigh*

YIPPPPPPEEEEEEEEE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*sigh*

:)

10 Reasons Why I Wouldn't Want to be a Nun

1. I can't smoke.

2. I can't drink.

3. I can't play mahjong cos I'll have to wake up early in the morning.

4. I can't dance.

5. I can't kiss.

6. I have only one attire to wear.

7. I can't wear shorts.

8. I can't swear.

9. I can't suan people.

10. I can't fall in love.

i / am / i happy?

one more hour and i can get off work.

i am so sleepy, being loaded up with panadols. yes, it's that time of the month again *growls*. but thank God i'm not in unbearable pain. though i feel sluggish. but that's ok.

interviewed my ex-lecturer today, Adrian Danker. he's back to help rewrite Religious Education programmes for Catholic schools and teachers. we did lunch too and talked about old school people.

it's our 10th anniversary since leaving CJC. wow.

one interesting bit came up over lunch...
Lionel is marrying Vanessa!!! *wow*

we wondered where Elton is, spoke about how Baldev is a changed man. :)

i am still sleepy. but i just feel like writing. i wonder what i'm going to write about.

i wonder how the Apostle is. Baptism ends and first person i think of is him. shitz.

my manager gave me 11 bars of Merci chocolates.

Peter Petrelli in "Heroes" is an empath too. maybe we belong together.
if i could choose my superpowers, i would choose to fly. but what good will that do?
i don't mind time-travelling but i would constantly be stuck in the past so i guess not. have just finished "The Time Traveller's Wife". excellent book. will write about it another time maybe.

nice, heart-tugging song on Class 95.
"and there is nothing special about me..." *croon croon croon*
if White Boy breaks this radio too, i will break his neck. my only link to sanity.

*i am dancing on the beach... it is night and i can't see the dark waters but i can hear the waves lapping rhythmically. i can see the stars but not clearly cos of the orange glows from the street lamps that are turned on too, bathing everything in orange. i must have had a drink or two cos my vision is sharpened and everything appears crystal clear. i don't really know where i am... in Bintan... on the narrow pathway with the beach to the side... in Batam, by the pool watching the pier that stretches out to the sea... i don't know who i am dancing with either. it's like i'm watching the scene in my mind's eye, overlapping images... when i see Bintan, i am alone. when i see Batam, i see Blue Caps. ah, but it's not him i'm dancing with... i am happy.*

i am happy.

oh Patron Saint of Lost... causes? loss? lost things?

here i am, on my bed... the clock on the top right hand corner of my lil iBook says 11:03pm. as usual, i had planned to be in bed after watching "Heroes" that ended at 10pm but here i am, still.

"open our eyes, Lord... we want to see Jesus... to reach out and touch him... and say that we love him..." words gently being carried from my new CD to my heart.

i just tried to ask St. Anthony to help me find a receipt for $118 that has gone missing. well, he's gone missing too. he worked for me once... so scary. i had lost something and finally, as my final, last resort, i turned to St. Anthony. i've never been "into" saints... heh, nothing against saints, just not used to it. but well, that one time, i was desperate and i came out of the loo and asked him, if he could just let me look at the right place... or to let me think of the place that i had forgotten to look. next thing i knew, it suddenly occurred to me that i had not checked one file or something. i can't remember... but as that came to mind, i KNEW it would be there. and it was!

but then again, another time i tried asking, it didn't work. and that was the time i lost something from the Archbishop. :P

well, this time round also not working... he must be busy with people who've lost their hearts or their hopes... :(

BUT MY RECEIPT IS JUST AS IMPORTANT!!!

where can it BE!!!!

*breathe breathe breathe*

ok, let the songs calm me down. OOHHMMM................... calm me down, calm me down............

my receipt.... :((

+++++

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *BLESSED BE GOD, BLESSED BE GOD!!!!*

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i was about to go sleep. tired of looking through the same files and piles of paper... all baptism papers....

but C-of-the-same-name said he would intercede for me after he asked me to leave his patron saint alone... so i thought, hmmm. am i supposed to look or would it just plonk in front of my face? well, since there was someone interceding for me, maybe i look one more round. just one more... and i wasn't confident that i'll find it at all.

and opening the same file for xxx times... i spied an envelope that's been there all along and that i've leafed through and JUST DIDN'T SEE.

THANK YOU, ST ANTHONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :):):):)

i can't stop GRINNING.

i am THREE.

Happy Birth Day to me!!!!!!!!!!

three years ago, on this very day, i was born again and ready to die.

i had no idea what the readings were for Easter Vigil 2004. except that there was a Genesis reading that took forever... and at that point, i wondered why God couldn't make the world in one day and then the reading will end.

ruby-doo was the first to get baptised. i was the 9th, i think. when the Liturgy of Baptism started, Dom's choir burst into song. to me, the Church was suddenly filled with unseen angels. they were flying round and round, they were standing along the aisles, each of us Elect had our special angel with us, who put their hands on our shoulders, keeping us calm and joyful, with tender looks and loving hearts, they cared for us. the devils were glowering at us but by that point, when Dom's choir invoked all these angels who had all along been there, it was defeat for the devils. they had lost for they could not have claimed us. God had called us. we HAD responded. with 'YES'.

and when the angel song filled the air, all i wanted was to leap as high as i felt. and when it was my turn to step up to the sanctuary, it was all i could do not to dance there and to dance into the font.

"What is your name?" FD asked me as he helped me to kneel in the font. water rose up to my chest.
"Joyce," i grin.
"Joyce, i baptise you in the name of the ...... (submerged) ... *gasp* the ...... (bubbling) ... *gasp* AND of the ...... (bbrbrbrb) ..."

the oh-so-warm water embraced me. i think a part of me really did die. maybe part of my evil self. heh. and then i stepped out of the font and was hit by the oh-so-COLD!!! air.

could not... walk... legs crampe...d... arms... cramped... joints stiff...

i still cannot think too vividly of that night because if i do, i will cry again. for the beauty of what happened, that feeling of pure, sharp joy and life... i know i will never ever get to step into that water again and for the rest of my life, i will cherish that memory and regret that it cannot be repeated.

that night, with so much happiness, nothing i ever felt before, or after till now, all i wanted was to die.

i was ready to meet God. really, really. it wasn't that i felt sinless and so thought i was ready. there was just simply, nothing else i wanted in this world.

3 years have passed. i am not a baby Catholic anymore. just a toddler Catholic maybe. :D

AND HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTH DAY TO ME!

There Are Some Things That Money Can't Buy

naively, it had never occurred to me for real that one day, the journey can, or will, or may, end.

it's not like i had told myself that i would go on forever. the opposite holds more truth. there are many junctures of each journey where i find myself halted, gasping for breath, screaming for release and digging deep into reserves for sufficient strength to step out onto the next lap.

sadly, there are also bends on each journey that i fail to round up smoothly enough and i am bumping, falling, and clawing just to go on... at these times, frustration takes over and anger replaces the peace and camaraderie i feel with and for my fellow companions.

these are the times i tell myself it's time to retire unless i am able to get back on the right track with God and with my comrades. because i don't ever want to leave. and i feel that more sharply now than ever before. but along the way, i had never once thought that i would be journeying for life.

a couple of weeks ago, when i picked up speed in preparing for baptism, a strange thought occurred to me that i could give up everything else and do this for life. what exactly is "this"? i don't know. all i know is it most definitely does NOT entail an entrance ticket to the nunnery. nah-ah. in all likelihood, "this" means RCIA.

with that strange thought came the threat to leave RCIA for good. it wasn't that i was ready to leave. but i felt it got robbed out of my hands. my heart was broken. all i wanted was to rail out against the injustice of the whole situation, to scream at people i wanted to be angry at but i couldn't. if i did, those in the team would've faltered too... and whatever happens, i will not be the one to jeopardise a journey.

it hit me then, that the journey can end one day. and it suddenly dawned on me that we aren't allowed to quit on a journey. it's wrong. for people who've got RCIA blood, (and this goes for other ministries), we are not allowed to quit.

but i was watching as the journey got prised out of my hands. that pain was incredible. it was sharp and it sliced through me ever so intently and deliberately. and i was simply heartbroken. there was no other word for it. it's not the same heartbreak as when i thought i was leaving CN. that was difficult, definitely but this... this is my baby. and i was forced to let go.

one night, the question came to mind. "Just how much is a journey worth?" can we pay for it with the little heartbreaks we embrace?

i had no answer.

God was not speaking to me anymore. or i wasn't listening anymore for i heard nothing. i had closed the door between Heaven and Earth and i was banging hard on this door and trying to holler my prayers, or was it my demands, across this threshold but i couldn't reach God. i was yelling for Him to open the door but of course, he couldn't. not when i was the one holding the key. not when i was the one who had unknowingly, shut the door. i didn't do it consciously. in fact, i'm not sure that i ever did. all i know is God would never shut that door. so it's got to be me.

i just had to be there for a hurt friend, many depressed people and my own boiling anger. but it really didn't go as badly as i imagined. none of that darkness consumed me because i was already filled with bitterness and regret that this would most likely be my last journey. there was no solution.

it's always traumatising to watch friends cry. just because i didn't cry with them doesn't mean i didn't cry with them at all.

then Maundy Thursday came. and i went for the Mass and i cried at Mass and i was just feeling so tired from all the heartaches, anger and resentment... most of all, the failure that i cannot and did not want to do what Jesus asked of me, to be loving and forgiving.

somehow, in the midst of all that, i didn't notice when peace settled on me. it's this feeling i revel in, in this "peace that the world cannot give". yes, indeed, this nourishes my soul.

and then i knew, that no matter what happens, we will be ok. the noise in my head ceased. the questions that had been bouncing in my mind, all the mindless chatterings and SO MUCH NOISE!!! were all silenced. no more questions, no more doubts.

everything was left unanswered, uncertain. there was still no solution. and yet, i had dropped everything and it didn't matter that there was no solution. as Mr C said, "Left path or right path, God will be with me." words are words when uttered without conviction, even if they are laced with hope and trust in God. but the same words, when uttered with God's peace, brings deep comfort and solace for the wounded hearts.

so i was still left with no words of comfort for the wounded around me. but i felt like i was walking in a bubble of peace and love. the bubble surrounded me with all its goodness, shielding me from what others might throw to burst it, protecting me from the pain that was radiating from others... BUT which had amazingly, also ceased to throb about the same time.

it was all PEACE.

i wasn't expecting good news. and i was still thinking that i might not be able to journey anymore after this. but it was OK.

of course, God can never be outdone in love. He gave me my heart's desires and He gave me the answer i needed to know i can carry on with His blessings and love.

even so, at this point, at the beginning of a new journey, i am filled with fear and trembling. it's never the physical exhaustion of a journey that gets to me. yes, sometimes, i get cranky cos i am tired. but it's not that, that wears me down. it's the emotions. the riding high and falling low... the flying and the grovelling... the nourishment and the abandonment... the pure joy and pure sorrow you feel with your companions' hopes and dreams come true and the next moment, watch those hopes and dreams crash and burn. it's just so DIFFICULT.

yes, to hold on to God is what gets us through. but at times when you're down on all fours or on bended knees screaming for release, it is all you can do to cling on to Him to keep from drowning. forget about nourishment.

but in the face of this fear and trembling that is making me still take baby steps, like someone who's just recovering from a bad fall and learning to walk again, i feel a need to FLY. i am BURNING. i feel like i've come one round and here i am, burning fiercely as i did when i got baptised, 3 years ago.

incidentally, this year's Easter Vigil readings are the same as the year i was baptised... it's gone one cycle.

i need to fuel this flame. at the same time, i hesitate to because i have this feeling that the flame will consume me. it's not like CN. if CN's flames consume me, at most i will feel burnt out. this is too close to me. it's all HEART.

but i want to go on. and God has allowed me to. and God has allowed us to. and i know there's so much more i can give and do. and so much more i can do to just be empty and stand there and let God work His magic through my hands and feet and muscles and tears. i am nothing, He is everything.

if i can just put down how much humble gratitude i feel right now... but i can't. but i am. thank you, thank you, thank you.

so even if the journey might end someday, it won't be this day. that day will not arrive for another journey more. might be a good thing, that i am so aware that it's ending... maybe i can spur myself to give more. but for now, while we are still travelling companions, we soldier on.

so just how much is a journey worth?

our sweat, tears and blood.

Remembering Holy Week - Easter Vigil 2007

we kept to our tradition of hunting down missing Elect, risking heart failures in the process; hunting down missing blue garments for them to wear into the Font (a dark colour to symbolise their old life), even though we had counted them from 2 weeks earlier, and counted them repeatedly over Holy Week and counted them God-knows-how-many-times from Maundy Thursday to Saturday and especially on Saturday. still, they go missing; counting out corsages for the RCIY and RCIA godparents, freaking out cos we didn't have enough... somehow, even though we counted and COUNTED (!!!) and then ending up with a BASKET FULL after every godparent has taken theirs.

i don't understand.

but praise God.

i don't know how the preparations in canteen went... was only there towards the end. and i shut out everything and forced myself to sit down and rest. it didn't work, my mind was still racing but i could feel God's comforting presence...

+++++

Liturgy of Baptism began. i went cold. but that's normal.

jojo and i got ready to move out of Church to help in the toilets. but we hung around to watch the first baptism. that wasn't even immersion! Giselle just gave birth a week ago and so she couldn't be immersed. Fr Viet poured water over her head and said, "Giselle, i baptise you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit."

now. this is what happens at every baptism. at some point or other, the feeling of elation will come over me and i will be so lifted i would've risen above any physical pain i'm in. you can feel your spirit soaring and me being the kwybaby i am, i will give in and let the tears fall. usually, this happens AFTER the baptism rite - first year was during the dressing of the white garments, second year was towards communion. i hope and pray every year that God will still give me this nourishment but somehow or other, i'm prepared to be disappointed each time, maybe when i've stopped doing God's work or when i'm doing it without heart anymore. in any case, i KNEW i would feel something this year cos God knows i needed it. i just wasn't prepared for when it hit me. too early. haha.

watching Giselle, hearing those words that seem to be cues to turn on the taps to my eyes, the tears came. but i could blink them back. then jojo turned to look at me, (she was in front of me. we were both kneeling on the floor as we got out of our pews so as not to block those behind us) and both our faces probably reflected each other's expressions - we were laughing so joyfully with eyes shimmering red.

so we continued to hang around cos we wanted to watch just ONE immersion. and the first to be immersed wasn't even from RCIA. it was a youth from RCIY and as he (or she?) climbed into the font, my heart swelled. and Fr said again, "i baptise you in the name ..." and i melted. then the kid poked his head up and the congregation burst into applause. thundering applause, much louder than they did at Giselle's and Bird's mum-in-law's non-immersion baptism. AND I BURST INTO TEARS. i was weeping like a baby. and jojo and i got up and started running out of Church to help the wet people. and both of us were crying.

it came so early this year. but it gave me the strength i need. the question that i had asked myself, tormented myself with for the last 2 weeks resurfaced in my mind: Just how much is a journey worth? How much are we willing to pay for it?

this time, the question popped into my mind and the answer that had been given to me from the very first baptism i worked on, the one after mine, an answer i'm all too familiar with, came to meet the question. "It doesn't matter how much. It'll be worth it."

i ran back into Church after Shirley got baptised as i wanted, needed to see Leo's. my godsister's husband. my good friend and brother. we waited 3 years for this. i expected to just be happy with the joy i felt. he climbed into the font and i started SOBBING AGAIN!!!! gosh! ruby-doo was at the last pew and i was standing there and we were both crying. probably for different reasons but we were so touched.

then Leo walked past us. Mr C went to... don't know what he did. did he hug him? not sure. ruby-doo hugged him and reeeallly gave in to her sobs. jojo was standing to my side and when she saw ruby-doo cry like that, she ran out crying too. haha. gosh, so many tears!

the rest of the night passed in the same way - mayhem outside, getting the neophytes to change as quickly as possible, running from toilet to 0201 to Church door to toilet. i don't know how many rounds i ran. there were 74 people baptised. maybe 148 rounds? *faint*; mayhem inside too with the guys changing the wet towels. they went on all fours, changing towels with every neophyte who stepped out of the font.

for what we do all this? we love them dearly. sometimes, the answers aren't too clear. and all we can do is to remind ourselves to keep doing it for the right reasons even when we don't know what they are. we just know we have to do it, just be there so God can work His stuff.

+++++

i didn't realise i was tired until i re-entered Church after sending the white angels back in. i sat at the pews and the muscles on my whole back was just pulling, tugging, punching me.

i didn't realise how tired i was until Easter Vigil ended and we were moving things back out of Church to 0201. at one point, Trix and i were moving the big table down the aisle. and my arms didn't cooperate anymore. haha.

really miss everything. having said that, in the blink of an eye, another batch will be going through Baptism. time flies by so fast. we journey with them for one year, holding their hands, growing fond of them and at the end of the road, we just have to be like John the Baptist, continue pointing them towards Jesus and watch them advance on their own towards him... and letting go of them as he did with his disciples.

Happy Easter.

GREAT JOY.

Resurrection, indeed!

remembering Holy Week 2007 - part 3

And then Holy Saturday arrived. just like that. the countdown timer didn't even make it to "1 day more". cos the days just flew by.

Rite of Ephphetha in the morning. and still, i saw the Elect's frowns, the blank looks, the harrowed gazes as they wonder how they will make it through to the evening.

but in their midst there were also the beaming faces, those radiant with hope... and they went through the rite as ONE.

we washed the toilets after the Elect left. that's always a time of laughter and joy. we washed the Ladies first and then the Gents. Angela and Lakshmi were getting too obsessed with it. they started polishing the metal door under the sink, a make-shift panel of doors to lock the pails and cleaning equipment in. then they started cleaning the mirrors as well. if that wasn't enough, they almost decided to go wash the canteen toilets too! jojo stopped them. haha.

the Gents had their fair share of weirdos too. for the record, yes, the Gents still has a smell. Mr C was going crazy scrubbing all the toilet bowls. yucks. if that wasn't enough, he too got into the spirit of the moment and decided to scrub urinals too. yucks. after hosing the soap down, the water collected in the urinal started filling up and threatened to spill over. YUCKS!!!! i was literally watching it with horror. cos we had already washed the floors CLEAN.

THEN, Fr Beng came in and saw 4 of us gaping at the urinal. he says, no, not like dis, i show you how to do! must put your hand in and unclog it!

trix and i screamed.
Mr C said, no, no, Father, let us do it. you don't do.
Davin said, i'm never going to take communion from you again.

hahaha.... it's actually really nice to be able to joke with your priests like that. feels like family.

amazingly, we had time and appetite for lunch. and a good one too at Jalan Leban. there was hardly anything to do by the time we left for lunch. of course, Davin had to nag at us the whole time... haha, gosh, i'm so going to miss him. he's like my big brother. the one who'll constantly nag me and whom i'll constantly rebel against. but it was really good and heartening to watch him rise above his own Lent. his actually started first... i knew it before he told me... and when he did, i started struggling with my own emotions.

over his nagging and lunch, we talked about how it didn't rain the day before. haha. Mr C says the rain moved on to a more sinful parish.

and then it rained. *BIG MOUTH!!!*

so we headed back to Church after lunch and somehow, from having struck off all the things on our BIG TASK LIST, there suddenly sprung up the 1001 little things we had to take care of at the last minute.

Mayhem descended.

and i was in such joyful anticipation of the evening.

Morning went and Evening came... Easter Vigil, 7 April 2007.

remembering Holy Week 2007 - part 2

Good Friday... arrived in church at 9am to collect the water dispenser, fill up and boil water in kettle... brought down all the coffee and tea packs and cups, and set up the day's meal for the group - our trustee loaf of bread. haha.

then the Ironing Ladies came and they ironed slightly under 100 garments. *cry* how is it that year after year, God sends angels?

i went through the 3pm service with one of my Elect, Shups... sweet, sweet Shups... one of the many happy, cheery ones who went through the journey almost 90% smoothly, only to be so tested in this last month... breaks my heart to watch them go through the same trials we did... we can protect them for the whole journey and we try so hard to... but when it comes to those pre-baptism days, we simply cannot shield them from the insane depression that overwhelms them... these feelings that we just cannot fight. or maybe it's their fight this time, not ours. as i said to a few, i'm happy they went through what they did. makes our faith hard-earned. we'll treasure it more....

it didn't rain at 3pm. it didn't rain at all.

the baptismal font was moved to the main Church. i still remember how last year, all our big guys were moving it and i was carrying like, tons of palm leaves to be stored away after the arrows to do that flew from parish priest to RCIA... and i was happily running past the ramp where they came up dragging the font on the trolley, until the part where it would've collided with the ceiling and so they had to carry it by hand.

they did and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM were struggling to hold on to their end, they were buckling and stumbling the whole time. i watched them, dumbfounded. and i think i'm seldom dumbfounded with them. next thing i knew, i ran away and i cried. what did i cry for?

for their dedication and work... for how their one extra pair of hands meant a job could get done... for how we are ONE.

this year, i didn't witness anything. except Bird Foo refused to let Mr C go near the font... haha and Mr C was complaining that nobody lets him do anything. well, but of course, if he was going to lose his already dead shoulder in the process.

"men down!" was what i had in my mind the whole time. bunch of grown men, in their 40s onwards... each with some injury or other, at hard labour. but what's there to do if there's no one else who will step up to help?

then we all laid the towels in Church. i remember that first year when i did everything myself. it wasn't difficult, except when i finished laying the path from the sanctuary to the exit, i literally couldn't get up. my back hurt. this year, looking at so many people, i am once again, reminded of how we have grown.

after all was done, we cradled the font lovingly and watched as it filled with what will become holy water the next night... Dom's choir was rehearsing and when they rehearsed the 'Gloria', the looks on our faces were priceless... to me. we stood around the font, hugging it, cradling it, touching it and we looked at one another and with the first note, without saying anything, all of us burst into song and sang the 'Gloria'. well, we got our little bit of resurrection earlier than the rest.

God loves us more! :P

it was great.

and Morning went and Evening went... one day left.

remembering Holy Week 2007 - part 1

Lent is over.

Hurray.

so many thoughts running in my head and so many emotions barging their ways through me.

gosh, i hate the post-baptism withdrawal... suddenly, all activity ceases, time is restored to normality... 24 hours a day can feel too long rather than be insufficient for the ever-growing Task List... my mind is actually free to think my own thoughts and tomorrows promise to be days that are not maddeningly hectic anymore. sleep-deprivation is a problem gradually made right ...

I HATE ALL THIS.

i miss Holy Week. :)

Thursday night was amazing. i had never experienced anything like it before.

began with Maundy Thursday Mass (my all-time favourite Mass of the Liturgical Year) as usual, extremely rich and rewarding in experience... Holy Hour was really nice. my knees and joints will disagree but to hell with them. what's one hour of discomfort? then came the packing and sorting in preparation for Saturday's Easter Vigil, which was normal. we even found time to sit at our prata shop and have a decent dinner. next was spending 1-2 hours in the bookshop (I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW MANY ROUNDS I WENT IN THERE!!!) hunting for Baptism gifts... AND THEN we went back to 0201 to just collapse... but the church was abuzz with life at that hour past 11pm... i had never stayed in church that late on Maundy Thursday before i guess...

decided i wanted to go pray... entered the Church, found a pew by the side... stephen C was there alone in that pew... i knelt, i spoke to God, for the first time in the whole month, i found a connection again... and i RESTED.... in God, with God, and i knelt there and my knees ached and i continued kneeling and I DIDN'T WANT TO GET UP. i think... i seriously think, if it wasn't for Good Friday's preparations, i would've knelt there for a long, long time. i doubt it'll be for the whole night but that feeling of being with God was just incredible. i had to literally TEAR myself away since people were waiting for me and practically, i know i should head home to work on Good Friday prep.

i love God.

ok, *lost*

to be continued. but i love you, Lord. help me to love you more.... and never let me stray too far from you....

and Morning went and Evening went... two days left.